Believing in yourself is a pivotal part of living with intention and purpose while feeling “not enough” robs you of peace and happiness and living life to its fullest. Let’s start to remove that roadblock.
A huge percentage of humans ask, “Am I enough?” or some version of it. Some live in this space consistently– never feeling like they are enough. Some only experience it temporarily such as after a death or a major event such as a layoff or other adverse event.
Often, we know moms, unsure of their parenting, can feel like they are not good enough. But honestly, none of us has the ideal manual on parenting strategies and it’s always been challenging. (This book by Katherine Wintsch called Slay Like a Mother is a good book for moms who feel they are not enough.)
This feeling of not measuring usually originates from past trauma, poor home environment, a predisposition in one’s personality of low self-esteem.
More stuff won’t help you find self love
Maybe it’s how we define ourselves—the car we own, the place we live, the clothes we wear. Maybe we come to that place through comparison envy which, by the way, is the biggest thief of joy.
True self-love cannot be built on material possessions; it’s like trying to construct a foundation of self-compassion on rice paper. While the things you own may contribute to your financial worth, they don’t define your self-worth. Your self-perception is shaped by your core values, meaningful relationships, and how you view yourself—not by external assets.
How can you climb out of feeling as if you have no worth?
It’s different for everyone. But I am going to trust if you are reading this, you will find your path and take the ideas that serve you and leave those that do not. That’s a start.
I can tell you that at age 15, I decided to stop criticizing myself. There are likely many people in the world who might be ready to join a chorus of critiquing me for any number of positions or values I find important.
I don’t need to be one of them.
It doesn’t mean I think I’m perfect.
It doesn’t mean I don’t own up to my very human mistakes or try to improve or reflect on them.
It simply means I won’t tolerate me picking me apart. That means engaging with and challenging the mean voice through healthy debate, standing up for myself, working through doubts and fears, and never ending that debate with self-flagellation but with an agreement on how to move forward and why.
This involves a kind of pros and con examination, summarizing what could happen if I take a particular tact, figuring out if I can live with my decision, and what might happen if I were to move forward with the solution upon which I landed. “Will the sky fall?” is one of my mantras in that process.
Here are examples of my alter ego conversations that illustrate these inner debates.
I need to be on my own side. Have there been instances in my life that has challenged that? You bet.
After my son’s suicide, do you think I felt I was parent of the year? Working through that took years of accepting my mistakes, forgiving myself for that which I couldn’t control and no longer hyper-focusing on the 5% of parenting I did imperfectly, giving myself credit for the 95% I did right and all the love I gave.
Here’s a list of ways people can boost their self-esteem:
- Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend.
- Challenge Negative Self-Talk: That’s what the alter ego internal dialogue is for. Challenge those self-critical thoughts with responses like, “Hey that was mean. Do I need to be mean to myself?”
- Quit Scrolling Social Media or Gaming: Go do something outside or connect with someone else. Spending more time online negatively impacts your mental health.
- Stop Comparing Yourself to Others: No one ever found more self-esteem by comparing themselves to others. It is the thief of joy.
- Set Achievable Goals: Break larger tasks into micro goals to experience a sense of accomplishment. When I was grieving I broke getting out of bed into small micro steps. The first one was, “just put your feet on the floor.”
- Focus on Strengths: Make a list of your strengths, talents, and things you’re proud of, and revisit it often.
- Celebrate Small Wins: Keep a notebook of your “book of wins” so you have something to look back at and bolster your mood when you are in a vicious cycle of “I never accomplish anything.”
- Learn to Say No: Being someone else’s doormat and being a hyper people pleaser will set you up to be taken advantage of or pitied. Setting boundaries can help you prioritize your needs and protect your mental well-being.
- Don’t Surround Yourself with People Who Bring You Down: Spend time with people who uplift and support you, don’t try to push you into joy with toxic positivity but listen and don’t try to throw out solutions.
- Engage in Activities You Enjoy: Doing things you love can foster a sense of fulfillment and joy.
- Practice Gratitude: Reflect on the things you’re thankful for to shift focus from what’s lacking to what’s abundant.
- Embrace Challenges or Learn Something New: Get out of your comfort zone and try new things. Expanding your knowledge or skills can build confidence in your abilities. Use the DBT skill opposite action to do a healthy activity your mind is resisting because it’s new.
- Take Care of Your Body: Regular exercise, proper nutrition, and adequate sleep contribute to better mental health.
- Volunteer or Help Others: Acts of kindness can give you a sense of purpose and connection.
- Seek Professional Support if Needed: Therapy or counseling can provide tools and insights to build self-esteem.
The key to self-love
You have to offer yourself love and compassion first, before you can be fufilled by others’ love for you.
How can you learn to accept who you are–your body, your imperfections, the messiness that is you? How can you stop trying to live someone else’s highlight reel thinking that their life is flawless? (It’s not by the way) How can you accept yourself for all your uniqueness? How can you improve, be open to changing while understanding that your personality is who you are?
Your plan to moving forward has to include an investment and commitment to change, incorporating basic mental health foundations, and sticking to your core values–a set of beliefs that define your actions.
What are your values?
Have you moved away from those values and need a reset? Are you struggling with purpose? This question alone could be a whole set of blog posts. But we are going to cut to the chase and start with this questionnaire based on DBT Skill Building.
It’s one of the starting blocks to defining yourself and from there you can launch your journey.
Free eBooks: 10 Steps to Finding Your Purpose + Secrets to Post Traumatic Growth
Find growth and purpose to add meaning to your life. These short, east to read eBooks offer clear steps to finding a path forward.
Set realistic Expectations
First know, that this journey takes time.
It takes your investment in the process without a focus on the outcome.
In short, trust the process. This journey may have relapses and setbacks which don’t mean failure but are considered part of the growth process. It is not a linear.
Basic tenets of mental health
- Get enough sleep- 7-8 hours a night for most people
- Eat right-Healthy no processed foods, high in vegetables and fruits.
- Get some kind of exercise- From Yoga to walking, marathon running to dancing.
- Connect with others- Socialization is an important part of your mental health journey. Make the effort to make plans with others.
Focusing on those basic elements is important to any mental health journey.
Find value in what makes you different
Everyone has a talent and something to offer. What do you offer? For example, I am not the greatest when it comes to my bookkeeping and overseeing that part of my business. Instead of giving myself untold grief for this, I hired someone I trusted and then asked them to meet with me monthly to share tips from their point of view.
I am good at speaking, breaking down complex issues so others understand and then offering ways forward, offering a number of ideas so people have examples and can choose that which suits their personality the best.
A negative mindset, negative bias, and cognitive distortions can be roadblocks
Suffering is part of life. And sometimes we get in a rut where we feel singled out when things go wrong.
Negative Mindset:
For example, there was a point after my child’s death, a block of months, when I was not hearing from any of my friends. Where were they? My projecting brain made all kinds of assumptions. As I fed it one, it jumped to more conclusions, none of which were based in fact and skewed because of my irrational emotional state.
I woke up one morning angry thinking, “My friends have abandoned me because they think I’m unworthy to be with and now want to avoid me!” I further posited that they’d never wanted to spend any time with me ever again after this awful thing happened because it was too awkward.
I stopped myself.
Did I need to feel worse? This line of thinking was making me feel awful. If my goal was to lessen my suffering instead of increasing it, I needed to adjust my mindset, stop rejecting scenarios that never happened, and then do something about it.
I started with the DBT skill, “Just the facts.” Here is what I knew:
- I had not heard from my friends in the last few months
- My friends were busy and worked full-time
- They had been very generous with their time and help right after
Did they know what I wanted? Did they fear saying the wrong thing? Did they know I wanted their company? I then made the first move because they couldn’t read my mind. So I told them a date and said I could supply a clean house and glasses for their beverages if they would supply food and wine and themselves. I said I would appreciate the love and support and I needed them.
They all came and were all very relieved. They weren’t rejecting me. They simply did not know what to do. My angry, resentful, made-up scenarios weren’t even close to being reality.
Focus on just the facts.
Not what you think the facts are but the real facts as you know them. Without assuming.
Negative Bias:
If you have ever gotten reviews, hundreds of them, do you remember the 99 positive ones or the one that was critical? This is the way our brains work. But we can alter this behavior to relish in all the great feedback without hyperfocusing on the negative.
Cognitive Distortions:
These are biased, irrational thought patterns often leading to a distorted view of reality. These negative thinking habits can influence how you perceive yourself, your relationships, and the world around you. Left unchecked, they can contribute to feelings of anxiety, low self-esteem, and even depression.
Recognizing and challenging these distortions is a key step toward developing a healthier, more balanced outlook on life. The “just the facts DBT Skill” helps you work your way out of this but this worksheet is a good one for identifying yours. Awareness is the first step.
Your Relationships: Gripe sessions, drama makers, and springboarders
Gripe Sessions:
Long gripe sessions puts you in a negative mindset. While venting for 5 or 10 minutes is one thing, constant complaining will weigh on you. Spend 5 minutes complaining, and then the rest of the time coming up with possible solutions. There are some people thrive off whining, complaining and griping and you can choose whether to pattern yourself after them or not.
Drama Makers:
These people who frequently create or escalate conflicts and emotional turmoil, often seeking attention or validation by stirring up drama in their lives or the lives of others. This behavior can stem from various factors, including unmet emotional needs, low self-esteem, or a desire to feel important.
Drama makers might exaggerate issues, spread gossip, or provoke arguments, often leaving a trail of tension and stress in their wake.
Identify these people in your life.
Some common characteristics of drama makers include:
- Exaggeration: Making small issues seem much bigger than they are.
- Gossiping: Spreading rumors or negative information about others.
- Victim Mentality: Often seeing themselves as the victim in situations, even if they’re responsible for the conflict.
- Attention-Seeking: Using drama as a way to gain attention or sympathy from others.
- Conflict Escalation: Quickly turning minor disagreements into larger conflicts.
Springboarders:
While a springboarder can be seen as ambitious and resourceful in some contexts, here it means someone who exploits others solely for personal gain.
These are people who elevate themselves by belittling and demeaning you. Maybe they are overly critical, always finding fault but never seeing you or any of your qualities in a positive light. It can be a way to control you in a narcissistic or abusive relationship, for example.
They can be narcissists, abusers, and bullies, and often have their issues with self-esteem, bringing you down to lift themselves up. They “springboard” off of your weaknesses, what they have or who they know to reach their next goal at your expense using anything from belittling to microaggressions.
Who are you spending time with and are they contributing to your low opinion of yourself? Judge how important the relationship is to you. And then decide how you will manage it. Sometimes that might mean putting distance between you and that person. Other times the relationship is important to you and it might be you create boundaries or have an “I feel” heart-to-heart conversation with that person on how their comments are affecting you.
Your Book of Wins
This can be past achievements or things you’re good at no matter how small. Maybe you are good at writing grants, make great pimento cheese sandwiches, are a great free throw shooter, talented at finances, super flexible, able to do a handstand, and great at logistics.
Whatever it is, write it down in your “book of wins.” Mine is a secret web page on this site with comments from others than fill me up when I feel I’m not making a difference. Another add-on to this idea is a keyword that triggers a memory of a positive event. Mine would be #Vienna1997 when I had dinner in a castle in Vienna and had one of the best nights of my life.
Remember how scoring that winning goal made you feel. Recall the feeling you have when you reflect on something at which you are good.
You are capable of evolving into a person who has self-compassion and self-love.
It might take a commitment to work through your past trauma, grief, or natural inclination for unachievable perfection. Whatever it is, it is possible.
It’s not easy, it takes time, but it’s worth it. Because you are worth it. Now say “I am worth it,” ten times without that mean voice interrupting and telling you differently.
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
This post really resonated with me, especially the point about choosing not to be your own worst critic. It’s so easy to fall into the comparison trap and tie our self-worth to material things or external success. Realizing that true confidence comes from within is a major mindset shift. For me, taking on uncomfortable physical challenges like doing a morning cold plunge has actually helped build mental resilience and silence that inner mean voice. Overcoming physical discomfort makes it much easier to stand up for yourself mentally. Thank you for sharing such a powerful reminder!
AnneMoss, once again you have provided an excellent commentary on individual worth and how to promote it. Please allow me to add this one thought, and that is as a creation of God’s hands, each of us are precious in His sight and plan for mankind in the 2nd Coming. Your Friend and Supporter, Adam’s Story, a mental wellness ministry.
Beautiful, Andy. Thank you for sharing.
Beautiful narrative Heath. And this part is true! —> “ we often have the means to alter this narrative to create a new narrative within the present.”
The trouble with a lot of people (and I include myself here), is that we can become lost in a past not of our choosing. I was recently asked about how can I apply Self Compassion to myself and I answered that I cannot do so, at this moment in time.
Deep in myself, I do not see why I am necessarily worthy of Love, Acceptance or even Understanding. The only thing that I am worthy of is to be treated as All Life should be treated – with Compassion and without experiencing anything invasive that would cause Hurt to that other. For to my thinking, No Life should be dependent upon my emotional response to it – be that emotional response one of Love, Acceptance or Understanding.
In this therapy session, I was sharing with my therapist about how I found a toy (not the original item, of course) from when I was five years old back in 1969; a doll who flips forward and backwards and stands on his head, using a remote control (attached to the doll) to do so. He was still in his original and sealed box. This was a happy time in my life as I felt safe, supported and loved.
Given my history that was not good, she asked about if I could apply Self-compassion to this young boy? I explained that given that the toy reminded me deeply of good times (indeed, I can relate to these feelings in a felt-sense way), I saw no reason to extend him either self-compassion via myself as that once-young boy or the boy himself retrospectively. But when he was a tad older and his mum was about to have a mental breakdown, he is reminded of the time when his father burnt his little soft toy tiger in the fire.
I can feel compassion for him as he stood there crying as he imagined in his young mind the pain that this tiger was going through as he burned away in the flames and likewise compassion for the loneliness that resided in this boy’s young heart (again, a felt-sense experience). Not long after this event, his mum went into a psychiatric hospital and he lost the world that he one felt safe, supported and loved in. To my mind, he is worthy of such compassion.
But I cannot extend this Compassion, this Self-Compassion to myself as a 60 year old man. I still feel too distant in myself to receive any compassion.
The once-happy boy died the day his mum never looked back as she was taken away in a police car to be placed in a psychiatric hospital. But the boy who lived prior is the boy that this new-found long-lost toy doll brought back. He remembered the good times spent is his home, going shopping with his mum, living with his brothers before his parents went their own way (he with his mum after nearly 4 years living with his dad; his brothers staying to continue to live with their dad), and he remembers how he often went alone down to a park-like area along a nearby River / Park as he laid among the dandelions and observed the bees and other insects.
The Austrian poet, Rainer Maria Rilke (1875 – 1926), wrote the following words that fit in well here. They appeared in his posthumously published Letters to a Young Poet (1929) －
“Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love”
These words spoke loudly to me as to how we need to confront our fears so as to bring them into the light of day.
As we meet our fears, we can extend to them our Love and Heal them of their pain and thus in turn, we may become free from the pain that their denial was causing us to experience unawares and uninvited.
In relation to my own loss to Suicide, these are the fears that I have experienced cognitively and emotionally (as too Spiritually) as I found myself spiraling down a rabbit hole of never-ending and often unanswerable questions, coupled with the Shoulds, Coulds and Woulds of a world that requires an explanation for an otherwise incomprehensible event.
I believe that most people continue to live by their past unless they are fortunate enough to be able to bravely explore these in the confines of a therapy session. It is only then that we can begin to make sense of who we are in relation to our past and it is only then that we often have the means to alter this narrative to create a new narrative within the present.
Only then may we begin to embrace the belief that we are GOOD ENOUGH