The short answer is yes. And here’s why.
An anxiety-provoking event or thought of one can inspire uncomfortable physical and emotional symptoms like fear, racing heart, shaking, red face, and feelings of overwhelm.
Because it’s uncomfortable, people avoid an anxiety-producing situation.
Avoidance examples include:
• Skipping a party because socializing makes you anxious
• Using drugs or alcohol to numb feelings to get through it
• Or procrastinating on challenging tasks
Avoidance provides short-term relief, but in the long term, it robs you of the ability to accomplish tasks, have fun, and learn new coping skills to manage it. This can become crippling. What happens next?
Anxiety Worsens.
The fears that led to avoidance get worse, and the brain learns that when an anxiety-producing situation is avoided, symptoms alleviate temporarily. In short, you have given your anxiety the power. That can end up making you feel week, worse, and erode your self esteem.
So what If you don’t avoid the party you fear going to you–>
- discover that your anxiety or fear of anxiety wasn’t deadly after all
- learn to work through those first awkward, anxious moments and become better at it
- end up having fun
- are proud of yourself for trying
You think all eyes are on you, noticing your awkwardness?
I hate to tell you, no one is that focused on you. Everyone is vying for the center of attention, and it’s hardly going to be you and your awkwardness.
They are not formulating an opinion about you because they are engrossed in their own thing. More likely, they are focusing on the loud guy telling jokes.
Only you are that focused on you and all your inward twisting and turning.
Download the simple, one-page PDF of “How Avoidance Can Make Anxiety Worse.”
Ditch the crutches
So what if you get to a party, for example, and default to staring at your phone? That’s easy enough, right?
Using your phone as a decoy in this situation is simply an anxiety avoidance tactic that is only slightly better than not going at all. To learn from it you have to feel the feeling, the awkwardness, to learn to socialize and have fun.
Maybe a little alcohol would help loosen you up? Sure, it will. But that can get out of hand, and again, it’s a crutch, a way to avoid the uncomfortable part, which is the part where you learn.
If you use drugs and alcohol to numb your fear, that becomes your “go to” which robs you of the ability to develop social and coping skills which are vital to building and keeping relationships.
Weather the awkward moment. It’s worth it. Start by going through your inventory of fears. Write them down if you want. Will any of them cause the sky to fall or rank as a national disaster? That’s not likely.
This is your chance to stop being a victim in your own story
You can start a new story and weave the experience into the tapestry called life.
I remember walking into a Chamber of Commerce event soon after the economy crashed in 2008. I had been freelancing as a stay-at-home mom, and business dried up. It was at a standstill, and I felt frozen, but I had to do something. That something was meeting other business people. It was a first step to getting out of my comfort zone.
I sat outside in my car at the event and said, “You can do this. It might be awkward, but they want you to come back. They want you to join.”
I went in by myself. I knew no one. Not one soul. And I was nervous, but I acknowledged it and said to my anxiety, “Thanks for trying to keep me safe, anxiety. But I’m good.”
Then I asked, “Are you going to explode AnneMoss? Do you really think everyone is focused on you?” It was awkward for a few moments, my heart did race, but I took a deep breath and another step, and then someone introduced himself. I remember his name was Fred. Good old Fred.
Everyone was playing casino games because that was the theme. I hate casino games but didn’t use it as an excuse not to go. I walked up, watched others play, and cheered or expressed disappointment depending on the results.
I had a few conversations. It was not earth-shattering.
But next time I went to an event, people recognized me and asked more questions.
I asked more questions. I kept going and participating and became part of the group, developed partnerships, and met the person who would be a great business partner for 8 years.
I got very good at networking, and the connection was wonderful and eye-opening. I could seek the opinion of others. I could teach others what I knew. When I go to events even today, I often see people I knew from 15 years ago who still remember me.
I learned…..
I learned to go to events by myself. I learned to forge relationships and support others. These are valuable skills I’ve used over and over. I didn’t give in to anxiety, potential awkward and uncomfortable moments.
Take one small step. Just one. And then another. Breathe. You will be OK.
What if anxiety isn’t your enemy, but a messenger?
Learn to reframe how you think about anxiety, moving from fear and avoidance to curiosity and control.
Make Anxiety Your Ally: Tools to Build Emotional Muscle and Resilience
Click here to see the PDF on this Speaking Topic
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
I suppose that the underlying issue here is a person’s feelings as opposed to mere thinking. Though avoidance is not helpful in the long run, for some it can be helpful at a given moment in time.
People who have been exposed to childhood trauma (abuse and/or neglect), can have internalised their experiences so deeply that avoidance becomes a safeguard for them. Taking even a small step can be difficult. I do not think any of us choose our reactions but they can be sort of chosen for us. However, we are able to challenge our reactions.
If we can find something that gives us pleasure, then we may find others who share similar pleasures and thus these people can support us in moving forward as we develop confidence in the fact that others like what we do (we are not that strange as we may feel that we are).
I like your idea of writing down an inventory of our fears. Once completed, we can then ask ourselves what these fears may be in relation to what may occur. Often our fears are spoken as being true and we imagine them as static. But once we write them down and can look at them as words on paper, we are given the opportunity to really see them and then we can decide if we want to challenge them for the possibility of change. I an a big supporter of the technique of externalising our thoughts and feelings.
It isn’t easy to step out and become involved. The first step is for us to realise this and then take another step to recognise our fears and then to step out and try to connect with others. If we at first fail (which is likely if avoidance has become habitual), this doesn’t mean we cannot grow and change – we just need to practice for change on a daily basis.
Thank you heath. I do have people come to grief group having avoided it for decades. And then they decide it’s time to grieve. It’s never too late.
Love this, Anne
You are inspirational and amazing
Thank you Mary Jane.
Thank you so much for the wonderful resources you have put online. I am a Professor at a university teaching mental health. I use your resources all the time. Thank you for making the subject of suicide front and center. As a student 30 years ago I attempted suicide many times so I know what my students are going through and am always on the lookout for warning signs. Please know that everything you are doing to make suicide less taboo is so greatly appreciated. I wish you lived closer so you could speak to my class of students.
Wow. Thank you for telling me that. It makes all the effort worth it. Where are you located, JoAnn? If I’m in that city or state…..