How to Heal by Riding the Wave
We will get to the significance of the wave.
But first, think about how you feel if you are wearing too-tight clothes or shapewear (Spanx is a shapewear brand name.) For those unfamiliar with shapewear, it’s an undergarment worn to smooth out any bumps, making clothes more flattering. A girdle or a corset would be an example of shapewear from the past. (Men, you’ll have to play along as there is shapewear for men, but it’s less commonly used.)
If you were to shimmy into this slimming, smoothing undergarment called shapewear, at first, you feel OK if it isn’t too tight and you can breathe. However, by the end of the day, you’d want to get your body out of shapewear jail.
But what if you want just a little more skinny and try a smaller size?
Wouldn’t that look even better?
When you squeeze yourself into a size too small, your body looks for an escape route and pops out the top. You might even get mad and think the product is worthless because excess flesh rolled over, revealing a significant muffin top. That’s because the garment doesn’t make lumps and bumps go away, but can only smooth and contain them, which isn’t permanent or always successful. That can create more pain.
And that’s like the pain from any kind of trauma.
It can’t be smoothed or tucked away forever.
It can be supremely uncomfortable, and the harder you try to compress or suppress it, the uglier the results.
Like the fat that erupts from too-small shapewear, your emotions can bubble out in unattractive ways, such as lashing out at others, becoming angry, or feeling bitter.
Furthermore, attempting to deny, contain, or control it too much can slow the healing process. Instead of suppressing emotions, allow them to happen.
So how do you do that?
How the ‘Ride the Wave’ DBT Coping Skill Helps You Manage Big Emotions
Episodes of emotional pain usually hit in waves and can be very intense. Sometimes they can feel “unsurvivable.”
Riding the wave means accepting and tolerating intense emotions by understanding them as temporarily overwhelming and that they will eventually subside. Instead of fighting or trying to suppress the emotion, you ride along with it without judgment, much like a surfer rides a wave, allowing yourself to feel it and then allowing it to subside, as it will always do.
This technique helps manage emotional distress and prevents the situation from getting worse. That’s why “riding the wave” is called a “distress tolerance” skill.
It means just letting your emotions go with the flow, because we can’t change what has happened; we can only weather the consequences and learn to react in ways that help us. Once my son died, I had to accept his death because I couldn’t bring him back. And I had to find a way to manage the tsunami of emotions that would take me to the floor in agony.
The pain right after a tragedy or great loss is usually more intense and frequent at first, and then gradually becomes less intense, and the waves of pain are further apart over time.
The solution? Dive in. Because circling the wagons will leave you in that raw, ugly, unhealing place longer than you want to be. The way forward is by going through it, feeling it, and not judging yourself for it.
How to Practice “Ride the Wave”
- Recognize and accept the emotion.
Notice what you’re feeling as it arises. Name it if you can—sadness, anger, fear—but don’t label it as good or bad. - Observe and feel the physical sensations.
Pay attention to where the emotion shows up in your body. Maybe it’s tightness in your chest, a lump in your throat, or tension in your jaw. - Allow the emotion to happen and move through you.
Let yourself feel it fully without trying to push it away, change it, or distract yourself. Emotions naturally rise and fall when we stop fighting them. Like most big waves, intense emotions last about 60-90 seconds. - Remember, it’s temporary.
Like a wave in the ocean, the feeling will build, peak, and eventually fade. This helps you ride it instead of getting pulled under. - Pause before acting.
Notice any urges to react impulsively—like yelling, withdrawing, or reaching for something to numb the feeling. Acknowledge the urge, but choose not to act on it.
Your pain does have a purpose. And that is emotional healing
Emotions are never permanent—they’re always shifting. If you feel awful today, chances are it will feel a little less awful in an hour. It might be harder again tomorrow, or it might be better.
When you allow yourself to feel your emotions instead of fighting them, that’s when healing happens and resilience grows.
So even within one hour, your emotions are ebbing, flowing, changing, and adjusting. And just like the wave that starts out huge, it peters out.
Every minute of every day isn’t always intensely painful.
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
What good advice! I love how you constantly write so well and teach skills that are so needed. Well done.
Thank you my friend. I learned them the hard way. But oddly I didn’t know the skills I used had names. I thought I was a genius for dreaming them up. Turns out, they already existed and it was two psychologists on a podcast I was on that gave me the names of the strategies I had used. So I studied DBT skills, took courses, read books, watched videos. These skills are doable and accessible and that’s why they appealed to me.
Feels “Unsurvivable” is the correct word. Thank you for all you do to help others.
I remember feeling that way. Even 10 years later, I still wonder how I survived what felt like the unsurvivable. Thank you for commenting. Much love to you Amanda.
This is so helpful. Thank you, Anne Moss.
So good to hear from you Leigh. And thank you for letting me know the article was helpful. I know this strategy was a lifesaver for me.