What’s the right way to remember your child? The answer is what feels right for you and your family. There is no timeline, and it doesn’t have to be a major work of art. But it can be a major work of art. Some start a foundation, others raise money, and still others make crochet butterflies and give those to other bereaved parents.

So what about the memorial in the photo?

The bereaved mother had a tree that had to be taken down, but she left ten feet of it and hired an artist to carve the tree into a representation of the many of things her son loved, creating a beautiful sculpture she could see out her window every day. (By the way, the lunar moth at the top represented a girlfriend who had died from an overdose years earlier.)

When she showed it to one of her friends, she said, “Don’t you think you are holding on to your grief?” Some of you out there who’ve lost a child might have also heard something similar.

My friend may have reacted to this comment with anger or frustration a couple of years ago when her emotions were still so raw. Instead, she just asked questions and then said to me, “She doesn’t know. How could she know?”

None of us wants you to be in this club

Bereaved parents don’t want you to truly and fully understand the loss of a child. We don’t want you to feel how much it hurts, how much we ache at every birthday, or wedding, or how it can bring us to tears even decades later. We don’t want you to lose what is most precious to you just because we have. We want your child to live!

I know one of the moms in a group years ago said her sister complained she visited her child’s grave too often, and wasn’t it time to let it go. At about ten years out, she visited it 2-4 times per year. I’d hardly call that excessive. But what if she did visit once per week?

Why is it important for someone to stop visiting a gravesite? What are those markers for anyway? What does “holding onto your grief” even mean? Like, you need to drop it? Cut out that nonsense?

If a lovely memorial is something that makes a parent smile and get through the day and remember the beautiful parts of their son, why is that wrong?

The answer is, it’s not wrong

Both of those I have mentioned take trips, have fun, perform at their jobs, go to the grocery store, and tend gardens. They also are still standing, still taking nourishment, and caring for other members of the family. And they also, still grieve, still walk beside it every day but function even though they have that wound.

One Dad had a quilt made of all his son’s old shirts after his death. A grandmother made a pillow out of a grandchild’s blankie.

One father who lost his young daughter to leukemia put pictures in frames and tucked them in certain drawers. Sure, there were ones on the wall, too, of her and the other children. But this memorial ritual brings him comfort when he feels grief. He says sometimes he laughs about something. He says sometimes he cries even though it’s been 20 years.

There is nothing wrong with these rituals or memorials or tucked-away reminders because we need them. There is nothing wrong with any of these parents.

Grief is love. And just because your child is gone doesn’t mean your love is.

You don’t have to commission a carving to show your love

You can. And this one is pretty fantastic.

But you might choose to do something else. Instead of a physical object, you might choose to volunteer at the SPCA because the child you lost loved dogs.

You might start a foundation that supports the cause surrounding your child’s death, do a fundraiser, create a mural, or a picture wall. You might decide to create an altar on Día de Muertos (Day of the Dead), a Mexican holiday tradition.

At places like schools, it’s not advisable to do memorials since over time it can start to look unkept, fall into disrepair, start to make the school resemble a graveyard, or in the case of a suicide, glamorize the death which can encourage others struggling with suicide to end their life.

But at home? Do what you want! Do what helps you get through the day. If you have a spouse, do share your idea and come to an agreement there.

You can have a relationship with your beloved deceased child

That relationship can evolve over time.

You can feel your child with you at times or even talk to your child, and it does not mean you “can’t move forward,” that something is gravely wrong with you, or that you are stuck in some grief time warp.

It means you are creating the relationship that will allow you to carry your loved one in your heart. Our number one choice is that our kid would be beside us here on earth, but that’s not an option, and how we choose to remember them is as individual as your thumbprint.

That you have a symbol, a memorial, an object of art, a foundation to help you know your purpose is all good.

But don’t feel guilty if your thing isn’t a major art project.

It can be grand, but it doesn’t have to be.

For those who have not lost a child, all of this might make you uncomfortable

Memorials can make people feel uncomfortable. Odd since we’ve been putting up statues for deceased warriors, kings and other people for centuries.

I say, “Tough bananas,” “Get over it,” “Better than losing a child, right.” You don’t have to question your memorial idea because it makes your neighbor flinch. That’s their problem. Not yours.

Much love to all of the bereaved parents and grandparents.

AnneMoss Rogers

AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives.  She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.