When I lost my son, Charles, to suicide I thought that was the worst loss in the world.
A few months after his death I wrote an article about the agonizing grief
In that article, another mom posted a comment. She shared that her child had attempted suicide and, rather than dying, had survived with a profound brain injury, one that changed his life– and his family’s life– forever. In this case, it was completely debilitating. He couldn’t speak, bathe, make facial expressions, or walk and had to be fed with a feeding tube. It was physically, emotionally, and financially devastating.
And while part of her was glad he lived, she admitted part of her was almost sorry he did because he wasn’t who he was before and would he want to live that way?
In addition to grief, she felt guilt like many of us do. But her guilt was the result of wishing that her child had died. Her friends had not left room for this kind of conversation telling her how lucky she was, to which she always responded, “I sure am,” or “I’m so grateful.” Because she didn’t feel she was in a safe space to express that sometimes she didn’t feel grateful.
After reading the article, a fellow suicide loss survivor who’d lost his son sent a private message that said, “I thought losing David was bad. I am glad I’m not in her situation. Because I think it’s worse.”
A mom watched helplessly as her son lay in a coma for weeks after a suicide attempt
While he remained in the hospital bed, nurses spoke about her just loudly enough for her to hear. The doctor had recommended she “let him go,” and because she refused, the nurses became snappy and dismissive, treating her with frustration instead of compassion. They saw caring for him as a waste of time—an inconvenience when they had other, more “urgent” patients to tend to.
Their attempts to shame her into withdrawing life support only fueled her determination to hold on longer.
I ached for this woman, whose only child existed in limbo—neither fully alive nor completely gone. Eventually, she made the agonizing decision to let him go, but as a single mother with a fragile support system, she never forgot how she had been treated. The cruelty she endured in those final days stayed with her far longer than anyone realized.
All of these parents have lived through a kind of death of their child
There is always a grief process of letting go of what you thought it would be like whether a severe disability is the result of a suicide attempt, an accident, a medical error, or a congenital anomaly.
We should never assume. We should be willing to hear someone express difficult thoughts even if we can’t fix it. We should always express our condolences and never judge.
If someone has a loved one who dies or loses their quality of life, that’s a grief process, too. I can’t say if it’s worse or better. I’m only going to acknowledge that both situations are devastating and unexpected.
Have a story or example? Let’s hear it in the comments below.
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
It’s me. From how to hang yourself? Let me tell you about her. Ahi was trans. She was a guy. She was always bullied. I am a pianist. I love music it’s my only love. I don’t know why Ahi killed herself. She never told me why… I told her. She was 16. She would have been a great artist. She painted better than Leonardo da Vinci. That’s not an exaggeration. I wish I could have saved her. My mom doesn’t care. Neither does my dad. My dad doesn’t even know because he is always travelling. I don’t get much attention. I have 3 siblings. One 8 year old brother and twin brother and sister . They are 3 years old. I can’t believe I feel suicidal at this age. It’s just wrong. I’m sorry. Your time has been wasted once again.
I’m so sorry. Trans people are at higher risk of suicide and while there maybe biological reasons we do know the non-acceptance is a big contributing factor. I know you accepted them but perhaps it might have been more of a reaction of how the world is not very accepting.
Three siblings. That’s a lot. In a big family it is hard to get attention.
You mentioned your friend was a pianist and that you love music. Does it help to listen, play or write music when you are struggling? What is your favorite music?
We lost our 35 year old son to suicide just 3 weeks ago. He had a long history of mental health problems — anxiety and depresssion at age 6, bipolar at age 12, possibly on the autism spectrum at age 17, plus OCD and ADD. He was a very difficult child who couldn’t ever really take “no” for an answer (although became a bit more accepting in recent years), but also sensitive and emotionally fragile. and we did everything we could throughout his life to try to both appease him and make him happy — including 5 trips (3 with me, 2 on his own) to Ukraine to visit a girl he met online and eventually married.
Sadly, their relationship was deteriorating in the last almost year, and he was unable to get or stick with a job because he had learning issues and wanted to work at “big” stores where they gave him only computer programs to learn and very little mentoring help. He and his wife lived briefly in VT in 2022, and I realize now he wanted to move there from NJ where they lived with us in order to get a gun. He also loved military history, especially WW 2, and unfortunately had a fascination with guns.
On his last trip back from PA where he was living with his wife but upset with her increasing coolness, he brought his gun to our house, which he was NOT supposed to ever do, and ended up shooting himself after I called the cops because he told me he was “just holding the gun”. I will always feel guilt because he briefly said he would give me the gun and case for 2 days, but then I needed to give it back, and when I said NO, he ended up killing himself. The cops said he did major damage to his brain, so I agree it would have been far worse for him to survive as a “vegetable”, but we are devastated and always will be.
He loved his family, his brother, and his wife maybe too much. He couldn’t see past the crumbling marriage and job failures. There is NOT enough job help for people on the autism spectrum or with a lot of anxiety, and I hope I can figure out how to help change that in the years I have left.
What a great mom you are. And to have to make so many difficult choices, Amy. I’m so sorry you lost your son the same way I did. He definitely had a lot of challenges that are not addressed well even today. You did your best. I know it’s devastating especially that first few months after. Thank you for telling your story here with such detail and passion. It’s clear you loved him and he loved you. Much love to you from one bereaved mother to another.
I’m saddened that this Mom was treated badly by those Nurses. I know all too well the frustration and stress of advocating for your vulnerable adult child and advocating for yourself . My heart goes out to those who lost loved ones to suicide and to those who lost the original “ person they were.”
I’m in the latter category. after years of toxic fentanyl and heroin and meth my son is only a glimmer of the kind hearted organic gardening beach volleyball and with passion of saving sex trafficked girls . Now he growls, is on differing meds and rarely speaks . But he is alive – the death of my once vibrant healthy but mentally depressed 28 year old causes me a lot of anxiety and stress .
I’ve thought he was depressed and suicidal since he was 13 but a lot of the doctors thought I was a hyper chondriac . Now my eldest was either pushed or left for dead on Sept 23 and is suffering from a brain injury and is struggling to find a permanent teaching job in tucson Az .
My Stress of having to care for a 28 and 32 year old has made me and my husband long for those years where we could go on a 3 week cruise and have fun . Fun is not always possible when your in constant flight or fight mode . Not wanting to trigger vulnerable adults but also wishing you could have independent adult sons . It’s exhausting to hear people’s advice of “ your so lucky .” And they mean well . I’m also not wanting to be un empathetic to those who lost their children as that’s my deepest fear . Trying to make good decisions and also trying to be healthy is hard . My carefree personality is gone . And since both our sons live near border issues the cartels and their mercenaries are a real problem for those of us who actively make sure illegal drugs and their salesmen are sent away . It’s sad but we all are human and deserve life liberty and the pursuit of happiness .
I wish that those drugs had never entered my sons life – because at 9 mos sober he looks better but the underlying mental issues that caused him to seek out those drugs will always be there . And when we are gone I wonder how he will fair . But we all grieve for our children and we all have this bag of worries . I’ve met some tremendously nice doctors and nurses and wish the lady who had to make that hard decision about her child was met with compassion and kindness . Something’s wrong in our world if those who are supposed to heal actually inflict pain deep pain that lingers . God be with her and all of you as we navigate our lives.
Holy cow this is what I’m talking about. And you are also getting the “you are so lucky” refrain. Thank you for telling your story and sharing it here. I think it will help others feel less alone. We are both grieving parents. Only I probably have more freedom to talk about it now. Moms who have surviving children who have been drastically changed from something that happened can’t always say it out loud. That in betweenness is frustrating and it is also a grief process. This will stick with me, Carmela
Anne Moss, we are grateful for your dedication to mental health education, a area most needed here in KC. Adam’s Story and our family continue to share your post and articles with so many hurting individuals in both urban and rural areas throughout Kansas and Missouri. Please know we advocate for Mental Health Awareness Education on a daily bases. Have you had a chance to look into Rural Minds Resilience Program? Please let me know what you think? Thank You
In Adam’s memory, you are doing incredible work and I appreciate your partnership
As always Anne Moss you provide great insight to the varying ways grieving shows up. There is no way to say which is worse. All of the stories shared are deeply painful and the people grieving deserve a safe space for their grief and pain to be heard and honored. Thank you for being there for so many! ❤️
Thank you for recognizing that Judy. I know you to be an empathic person and I love that about you.
Hi Anne! My story is a little different. My 22 year old daughter was tricked into taking fentanyl thinking she was taking Xanax. She was video taped in a gas station parking lot nodding off in her car. Instead of calling 911, he made fun of her, put the video on Facebook, which got back to me
I’ll never be able to unsee that video. Her so called friend drove her around in her car before she called 911. By then, it was too late.
Kara- That is so awful. A fentanyl poisoning as a joke! I’m sure you can’t unsee that video. How utterly cruel. So along with grief I imagine you have a lot of anger, too.
That is so sickening for someone to give your daugther fentanyl as a “joke” to put on FB. Horrific. That person should be in jail and needs mental health treatment desperately — although you wonder how much someone like that can change since they have no compassion or kindness.
This story really touched my heart and I felt so sad for this poor mother. I can only imagine her pent up feelings of guilt as those around her told her how fortunate she was. What makes this even sadder is that most people probably could not even begin to step aside and allow the grief to flow as too her feelings of guilt; the conflict must have made it so difficult for her to navigate (if not extremely so).
And the nurses sound like they need a lesson in the difficulties of letting go of the very thing that she loves (l am deliberately using the present tense). Why do we always falter to the practical at the expense of people’s feelings.
As you rightly point out, we need to be able to sit with people experiencing such issues and not hold any judgement which of course is easier said than done.
This is the best article that l have read because it just highlights the complexity of life and what can befall us.
I will treasure the thoughts that you have raised as l try to imagine how l would react to such a tale if l heard it from the person sitting in front of me. Hopefully I can be there for such people.
You are such a thoughtful writer, Heath. Thank you always for your insight. And I appreciate your feedback. I didn’t think this would resonate to be honest but it’s been on my mind. I don’t think anyone really wants to know how hard it is. They prefer to insulate themselves. I get it. But if we could sit with someone’s tragedy and listen, we really would be better humans.
As an update, I have now shared your article with four other people and their responses were very predictable in a not-too-helpful way. It is so difficult for people to not be judgmental though they do try to be understanding. Now in a conversation with a friend who is a trained counselor /facilitator, we agreed that this article highlights the need for trained counselors. We often hear about Empathy, Unconditional Positive Regard and Congruence, but these are responses that require work so as to get them right and in the right balance. And people talk about being non-judgmental but we are all judgmental and so it too requires work to be able to just support others without comment.
By way of one example. Upon receiving the suicide note from the Coroner’s Office, I wanted to read it and asked a trusted person if they would sit there with me. They invited me to share this with them OUT LOUD, as they felt it would help (I thought so too). But after reading it, they looked at me with a frowned expression and remarked, “It is very clinical, isn’t it.” This made me feel even more unloved by my partner as well as an pressure to defend him.
Initially, I felt that I needed to share it as there were things written that I needed to process, but after that response, I regretted sharing it. That was the one and only time that I shared it.
The person in question appeared to have the emotional maturity to listen to it and they work in the Mental Health field. but they are not trained beyond basic counseling skills. Maybe this also highlights the need for a Lived Experience but I can appreciate that counselors cannot have a Lived Experience in a given situation; this is where training can help.
So it is no wonder the lady in your article felt as she did for who really could understand her feelings in terms of her guilt vis-a-vis “Letting go”?
Oh man I can’t believe someone would make a comment like that on the very last piece of communication you were left. But I can tell you that if you got a note, it was from a place of love but also a place of great despair. I did get Charles’s music. You got the note. I do think they were trying.
The person who said what they did can’t unsay it and likely doesn’t even know. Hopefully someone will learn from your story.