There is the grief we think of most often, the loss of a loved one who has died.
But we have anticipatory grief which is grieving before someone has died.
And even grief from losing a precious relationship, one’s identity, a job, or a sense of normalcy. We can grieve over the loss of normalcy. When my son was alive and we made the decision to send him to the wilderness, I grieved the whole community of high school–the dances, basketball games, and plays. I knew it would never be the same again and that this wasn’t something we could restore for him later.
None of these are the same as the other but many of the feelings and experiences are similar.
Anticipatory Grief
It might be you have a loved one in hospice and you have the anticipatory feelings of “pre-grief” before the actual death.
Or it could be you have a loved one with an active addiction and the grief is anticipation of that person’s death. We can’t help but project and think this might prepare us. I can tell you from experience it does not.
I recall thinking that it was possible my son would die from a drug overdose or drug-related death since Charles was addicted. I sat with it wondering what it would be like and couldn’t imagine it. I only knew I didn’t want it to happen but I felt helpless to prevent or fix it. And when my son did die by suicide it was nothing like I had imagined. It was far worse, both physically and emotionally.
Loss that Follows the Natural Order and Loss That Does Not
There is the grief over losing an older parent in their 80s or 90s which is different than losing a spouse to cancer a year after you are married. Someone can go through grief for one person and have a completely different experience for another loss. It can be a softer experience when it follows the natural order of life. Or not.
If we love, we grieve when that is lost. And the process of integrating that loss into our lives takes however long it takes.
You Can Grieve Someone Who Was Estranged
I met a sister who hadn’t spoken to her brother in ten years, he was angry and hateful when she did reach out and sadly, it got to a point where, for her sanity, she had to distance herself. The grief after her estranged brother’s suicide was sharp, ugly, and painful for her.
The surviving sibling struggled with unresolved relationship issues, unanswered questions, confusion, and anger. And then she was hit with the feeling that maybe she hadn’t done enough. Had she ignored the anger and not realized the depression underneath? Could she have done more? What’s more she grieved over not having had the chance to mend the relationship and lost the hope of doing so.
It’s hard to love someone who continually pushes you away, is ugly, or is violent towards you.
Inhibited Grief Leaks Out in Other Ways
This type of grief occurs when someone doesn’t take time to recognize or process their feelings of loss It can lead to physical problems, such as panic attacks or trouble sleeping.
Difficult feelings like grief can’t be smoothed or tucked away forever. The harder you try to suppress it, the uglier the results which can include self-harm, addiction, anger, and irritability towards your loved ones. Feel the feelings. Sit with them. Thankfully they don’t last forever and that process has a purpose and that is healing and learning to move forward without that person in your life.
Awkwardness, Isolation, and Guilty Grief
People who lose someone to murder struggle with the anger of losing their loved one so senselessly, their life having been taken away from them, stolen.
Those who lose someone to suicide, feel they didn’t do enough and are somehow responsible. They struggle with the why or “intention” part because we think they chose to leave us when in reality they were pushed towards suicide as a result of a perfect storm of events that created unrelenting pain and despair. No one asks for thoughts of suicide.
Parents who lose a child who never got to take their first breath feel cheated– that they didn’t get to make any memories with a being they had already fallen in love with and wanted so badly to meet only to have that life snatched away from them before they ever got that chance. Parents who lose a young baby, a young child, teen, young adult or an adult child always feel they have lost their baby no matter what the age.
Sibling grief is often ignored in favor of focusing on the parents.
Siblings hide or delay their grief because they think it can’t possibly be “as bad” as that of the parents. They feel theirs is less worthy and unremarkable by comparison. And it’s not uncommon for siblings to grieve a sibling loss years or even decades later.
A boyfriend or girlfriend can feel isolated after their romantic partner’s death. They often feel lost and unsure of what to do. They wonder how much they can reach out to the family. Often, they want to be more connected with the family but don’t yet feel part of the family. And in some cases, they are rejected outright and even blamed for a death. Many times the family is angry the romantic partner hasn’t reached out more when in truth, it’s all a an unspoken misunderstanding.
Complicated Grief?
Don’t even get me started on that one. Here are the “symptoms” of a complicated grief diagnosis.
- Frequent thoughts and memories of the deceased
- Difficulty accepting the loss
- Feeling like life has no meaning
- Intense emotional pain
- Avoiding reminders of the loss
What person experiencing grief doesn’t have all of these? And if you experience them there is nothing wrong with you! All of these issues are part of the normal process of grief and loss.
Some do find it hard to move forward. And if these symptoms are persistent thoughts years later and you have not been able to find any joy at all, not just 6 months or a year later, then you should seek help. If you notice a friend is not functioning at all months later, do intervene and help that person find support.
It doesn’t mean that person is weak, it just means they’ve gotten stuck, and need additional help and support to find their way forward again. Remember, grief rearranges one’s whole concept of life, death, future, and the past. Restructuring all that is no simple task.
Why Don’t We Talk About It?
Grief is a universal experience, yet we often avoid talking about it. Perhaps it’s the discomfort of facing our own vulnerability or the fear of saying the wrong thing. But grief deserves our attention and compassion, not silence.
By acknowledging the many forms grief can take—whether it follows the natural order of life or disrupts it, whether it stems from death, estrangement, or loss of normalcy—we should create space for understanding and healing without branding others as weak. Talking about grief helps us understand that while every loss is unique, no one has to bear it alone. No one should.
Grief is part of life. And when we allow ourselves to feel it fully and share it openly, we can begin to find meaning, connection, and hope again—even in the midst of our pain.
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
The trouble with Grief is that is has so many types and there are so many nuances to each of these types. Add to this the fact that each of us are individuals with our own unique responses to our losses based on many factors and the individuality of our lives. Many people lump all grief together and they fail to address the individual person but merely the collective.
We grieve people who we know are near the end of their life due to old age, we grieve the person who the doctor tells us has but a limited time to live (even if we know in our hearts that they might be free from pain), we grieve the person lost to suicide or to a drug overdose (accidental or deliberate), we grieve the people who we once knew and especially if we had a falling out (an estrangement), even a person suffering from abuse can grieve the loss of their abuser. We can grieve the loss of a pet (be this a furry, scaly, fishy or feathered friend), We can grieve the loss of our home or our job. We can even grieve a character in a book who touches an aspect of our life somewhere deep within – as that character dies. That is what makes of us a Community of People – our ability to Grieve is our shared Humanity..
All people grieve and it is time that we accepted this. Even a gang member is grieved by their gang members though most folk say of their death – “Good riddance.” The gang now has The Gap of which I speak. And yes, we can and do grieve deeply. Why so?
Well the only answer that I have is because of The Gap left by the Loss. That Gap is never closed but it can become a little less painful as we move forward. But if we talk about our loss – whatever that be – that Gap can begin to change. So we should be allowed to speak and as the Gap widens as we speak, it paradoxically narrows over time as we come to grips with our loss.
And it is this Gap that makes of Grief a Community. However, within that Gap, we each of us have a unique loss for it is firstly “My Gap,” “My History of Connection,” “My Individual Connection to the object of that loss,” and yet simultaneously the “Me” begins to become the “Us.” That is what makes Grief Unique. Yes, similarities may abound but they dissolve as each of us connects that Grief to our own Heart and to the Life that we each live.
I forgot the pets. I knew I left out something important. Thank you for this. So beautifully written. Your comments are always appreciated and so thoughtful.
The unexpected passing of my loved one, happened so quickly that I can’t accept the passing. I read an reread his obituary over an over. There was no closure, he was sent off an creamated an I never had the chance to see him one last time. I have gone thru so many firsts, his birthday, Christmas, New Year’s, an it all seems to be getting harder not easier. I lean on my walk with My Father God, I realize my loved one is in heaven an at peace but at the same time I still feel so lost without him. Thank You for your writings to help people like myself going thru this nightmare. If grief. I pray for you as I pray for anyone else facing this kind of situation. God Bless You, It helps to talk about it. Thank You!
I never got to see my son’s body either. It was actually stolen before I got the chance and by the time they got it back two weeks later it was “unviewable.” I just wish I could have just held his hand. But then I would not have been able to “unsee” it either. I have heard mixed tales of the experience and over the years I just let that one go. It wasn’t him anyway at that point.
I remember thinking that the first year was going to be a huge milestone when in fact it was just another day and I still felt the same. It took longer for me to come from underwater but I decided to praise myself for having survived year 1 and all the firsts. That really was all I could ask myself.
Talking about it helped me, too. I do wish people understood that the group setting means one helps themselves but also other people. Your post here will help someone else. Thank you for being so open and honest and sharing here. It means a lot.
I was speaking with a friend yesterday about this very issue of seeing the person who died. He told me that he saw a photo of his son as he reposed in his casket in the funeral home and that he wished he hadn’t. He said that it took him quite some time to get rid of this image and replace it with an image that represented his son when alive. And I get this. He explained that it was not a bad image in itself though just not an image of the son he knew.
It is a tough one as some people want to see the person and I think this might be fine in some cases but in others,best not to. Finding my partner is something that I regret and he too was taken away and I never saw him again. But that last image still can haunt me as it was not the person that I knew. However, I can appreciate that for some folks, it is an important means to closure. I suppose we really just cannot know until we experience the event. Seeing the body might prove cathartic to some people; others may think it would be cathartic whereas it may prove not to be the case. But we cannot really know.
There is no simple answer, It is all just so terribly sad.
There is no simple answer and I relied on advice from a friend. She had just lost her son the month before. And on her advice I did not go view it. She had to in order to identify the body. I didn’t have to do that because he had had a record from his drug use. It’s a hard call. And sometimes not getting the choice might be better than having one.