Image caption: Charles Aubrey Rogers, April 26 1995-June 5, 2015
“My demons up against me and I’m facin’ them now
I wear the face of a clown,
I feel so unloved, because of the monster created from drugs.”
–From the rap song, “Just to Hurt,” by Charles Aubrey Rogers
My son Charles wore the mask of a clown to hide his depression and I saw references over and over in his song lyrics I read after his death. Later, he would use drugs and alcohol to numb those feelings which led to his addiction and was a contributing factor for his suicide. I was fooled into thinking he loved life more than anything because of his amazing sense of humor.
To me, his constant need for get-togethers and the non-stop revolving door of friends illustrated his love of life when it was in fact an act of desperation–his way of keeping himself alive. Because if he had friends in his space at all times, he wouldn’t think about taking his life nor would he act on it. And if he were entertaining enough, no one would turn him down and they’d want to be with him. They always did.
For years, there was a nagging feeling that Charles’s constant need for companionship and a sense of humor that could only be defined as a creative genius had a deeper meaning or a mask. I did ask. And I never got the full answer although he came close once. Ultimately, I would learn he was afraid of what he’d do to himself if he wasn’t surrounded by friends.
He would die by suicide in 2015.
“I keep my sadness masked with a flask
I got sorry to borrow, I’m hollow.”
–Rap Song Lyrics from, “How I Feel Inside,” by Charles Aubrey Rogers
Laughter is great medicine
Laughing together with a group? There is a connection like no other. But so often humor and making jokes is a facade to deeper feelings of depression, sadness, and despair. Why is it those with the biggest smiles often hurt the most? I would go so far as to call humor a great coping strategy. And it is.
But it can easily morph into an avoidance strategy. Or in the case of a lot of people, a way of telling someone about your despair in code–by joking about it. A joke is a more acceptable and easier way to deliver a message. And when someone is struggling with depression, they do want to tell someone. Only a lot of us don’t ask because we don’t know to ask. And if they do we don’t know what to say and we think we have to fix it.
Robin Williams said, “I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy. Because they know what it is like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anybody else to feel like that.”
I think Robin Williams nailed how Charles felt
Williams died by suicide on August 11, 2014, less than a year before Charles did, on June 5, 2015.
Charles talked about Williams obsessively. Funny, I never asked why. I just chalked it up to Charles’s quirky conversations of which he had many. There was a niggling sense of discomfort about it but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Sifting through all of the conversations we had to find the deeper meaning would have taken every hour of every day.
I do believe Charles communicated his pain through a series of jokes, clues, and puzzle pieces and had the intelligence to present them sideways and through the back door so you didn’t have time to fully decode what had been said. Just in case. He wanted to tell and didn’t want to tell at the same time.
When things are very dark, some people have an instinct to want to take the edge off of it for themselves and others. Humor is a way to do that.
What I’ve noticed is that people who are deep feelers, combined with high intelligence and a sense of humor often struggle with times of great despair that can activate a depressive state or even suicidal thoughts.
While Charles used humor as a coping mechanism, he also used it to hide his despair which he was ashamed of. And I also think he was afraid we’d try to “help” in ways he didn’t want to be helped. His song “I Don’t Wanna be a Patient,” (the song is also here and here on Amazon) illustrates that constant back and forth in his head–the self-awareness, anger, blame, and stubbornness.
He was never one to take a traditional approach and when we did, it didn’t work. I remember the one and only counselor who did rap therapy had made progress with him. It was the only time we’d see Charles start to heal. Unfortunately, that counselor would be charged with sexual misconduct with a female patient, so he was whisked away from the school from which Charles attended and my hope crumbled as my son’s mental health spiraled downward.
The question is, are you using humor to avoid or to cope?
Charles didn’t use as much self-deprecating humor such as joking about depression or even suicide. And the self-deprecating humor is often more of a red flag. I thought the whole time the son with whom I was so close was brimming with confidence. He masked that well, too. All that mask-wearing had to be exhausting.
When he finally posted online statements that indicated his state of mind, no one took him seriously. It was so easy to say, “He’s the jokester. He’s just kidding.” He would kill himself three days after his last online declaration. But if you see the series, you can see his screams for help. There were some in between that were not so dripping with despair so even if I had not been blocked from his account, would I have been able to piece together all those clues? Below is but one example.
I know now what sounds like a goodbye letter or an “I want to die” message in person, by text, and online because I trust what my gut is telling me. And now that I know what I know, I reach out by DM, and find friends who know the person.
We all need to take death threats seriously no matter if they are directed inward or towards others. Ask that person to talk and gently allow them to pull down that mask in private. It may not be suicide but it may be depression or some other trauma and if we intervene and offer support early, perhaps it won’t ever become a crisis.
My Tara was the same, always surrounded by friends and on the go all of the time. We never would have imagined that she struggled with loving herself and had low self esteem until her struggles became apparent after going away to college. Check on your friends, sometimes the ones who seem happiest are hurting inside. Tara tweeted things that were ignored and we didn’t discover them until much later, it was too late by then. We must educate others from what we have learned and help relive the stigma of mental illness.
Thank you for your comment. Those are the richest part of the articles. People do read them.
I, too, s suffer from depression. I am a very funny woman. That’s how I hide my depression, especially now that I lost my son, Jason, to suicide. Jason was also very funny and loved to be around people. He also wore the mask of account clown sadly. Till that mask fell off the last year of his life.
I am funny but was funnier. Thank you for sharing Susan. I know we have corresponded before about your son and mine.
My Anthony was also a deep feeler, with high intelligence and a wonderful sense of humor. The most amazing smile to hide his pain. I’ve noticed these traits in others who died by suicide as well. Maybe this common thread will help treat, predict and save others in the future. As always, thank you for sharing with us❤️
Thank you for sharing that. It does help me feel less alone.
The prevalence of depression, trauma, and mental health challenges remains an integral part of our society, with their impact steadily increasing in various segments of our population, notably among our young individuals. Your article, which delves deeply into these issues, is nothing short of profound, offering an intimate glimpse into your personal experiences and an authentic perspective on the subject matter. The parallels drawn between your own struggles and the late Robin Williams’ use of humor as a façade to conceal the profound pain lurking beneath the surface resonate with a universal truth.
I can personally relate to the need to wear a mask, a defense mechanism to shield ourselves from confronting the harsh realities that life has thrust upon us. I, too, have been through a harrowing ordeal, when a semi-truck collided with the car my daughter was driving. It’s a testament to the resilience of the human spirit that we all survived, albeit not without significant physical injuries. Yet, the most enduring and impactful wound was the traumatic brain injury that I sustained in that fateful crash.
In a world where empathy and understanding are sometimes in short supply, many find it all too easy to hide behind their masks, to distance themselves from the struggles of others. Your work, however, reminds us of the critical importance of listening not just to the words spoken, but to what remains unspoken – the silent cries for help that are often drowned out in the cacophony of life. This act of attentive listening is the essential first step towards healing, not just for the afflicted individuals but for society as a whole.
Thank you for your heartfelt and enlightening article, which serves as a beacon of hope and understanding in a world that sorely needs more compassion and support for those battling inner demons.
You are a good writer Brenda and express yourself so well. Thank you for sharing your story and I appreciate your years as an educator both as a teacher, principal who gets it. TMI does add a dimension that no one can be prepared for.
I been suffering with depression for years. You’re right, I always try to make people laugh to hide my pain, or I’m quiet. I thought, my brother was doing good but he committed suicide a year ago.
Sibling grief is difficult because the surviving sibling usually feels like their grief is “less important” than that of the surviving parents or parent. A lot of siblings do rely on humor to feel good because it is such a painful loss. All of a sudden your future has changed and rearranged. As long as you are not using it to avoid the uncomfortable feelings that’s ok. Just make sure you allow that pain first. It will lift some 60-90 seconds later. How are you doing now? A year is not a long time.
I definitely hide my pain with a mask. I think I didn’t even know i was doing it untiil i read this. i think i need to see someone.
It’s wonderful that you have made this self discovery. There are also peer groups as well. Let me know if you want to know more about those.