Do you know someone who talks a lot about death? Does someone’s death conversation seem almost like a morbid preoccupation? Maybe someone you know talks a lot about people who die young?
My son, Charles, talked about a lot about death as a teenager
He was a creative genius so he had a lot of personality quirks that went with that label. And his conversation topics always pushed the edges of comfortable. Charles made me think and rethink everything.
Why didn’t I ask why he talked about Michael Jackson dying young? Why didn’t I ask him anything when he said he thought he’d die young? He talked about death frequently enough to set off alarms. I simply didn’t know what it meant.
Instead, I froze. My husband froze.
I didn’t know what to think or what to say. Maybe I thought if I entertained the conversation that would mean he wanted to die. So, instead of exploring it, and asking thoughtful questions, I wrote it off as a quirk. But it nagged at my conscience. And my gut tried to coax me into asking more. But I allowed my brain to talk me out of what I knew in my gut.
The kid who did talk a lot about death died by suicide at 20 years old
He became addicted to heroin—his way to feel good and numb thoughts of suicide. And those conversations about death were “invitations” for us to ask more. He was dropping hints that he was thinking a lot about dying–about suicide.
I know NOW what to say, what to ask. And I will share that with you because that conversation, that talk, could be an invitation for you to ask more. Ask with curiosity and without judgment.
“Can you share with me why you talk about death?”
or
“Can you tell me why you think about the subject of dying?”
Then be quiet. Listen. Don’t refute what they say. Don’t insert any toxic positivity such as, “You shouldn’t think like that.” Don’t try to fix their thoughts.
Start with, “Are you thinking about dying?”
While curiosity about death and dying is common, frequent talk about death from someone who isn’t dying or is very old isn’t common and can be a red flag. Maybe it’s a quirk but maybe it’s an invitation to ask more.
Does someone in your orbit have conversations about death that make you uncomfortable?
If so, I am going to encourage you to be more uncomfortable and ask the question…
“Sometimes when people talk about death a lot, they are thinking of suicide. Are you thinking of suicide?”
Most do not want to ask that last sentence, “Are you thinking of suicide?” Alternatives are, “Are you thinking of killing yourself?” Or, “Are you thinking of making yourself dead?” For some families, the person who struggles with suicidal thoughts and the caregiver might develop a code phrase, such as “I don’t feel safe in my body today.” Or an even more covert phrase, “My toenails feel blue today.” The latter allows someone to say it and only you know and close confidants know the meaning which protects the privacy of the person struggling with suicidal thoughts.
If you want to know if someone is thinking of suicide you have to ask directly
Allow for long stretches of silence. Be patient. Be quiet. Wait. People need time and space to process.
If the answer to “Are you thinking of killing yourself?” is maybe, or yes, you can call 988 together and ask them what they would suggest as a next step.
You could help someone else save their own life by simply by being a curious and caring person.
Helpful links:
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
I think, and talk about death A LOT. I’m studying Thanatology, and I do volunteer work in grief support and palliative care.
And yes, I’m 65. But as a 17-year-old I made a number of suicide attempts. Studying death and grief has made what happened to me as a young person actually make sense.
Our culture here in North America has made most of us really uncomfortable talking or even thinking about death. It’s a scary and forbidden subject. We need to get over that. Then real, important conversations can be more likely to take place.
I think it can also be a survival strategy which is how I think you have used the fascination. Who isn’t curious about death and we should talk about it more and normalize that conversation. I love dia de muertos and how that Mexican holiday celebrates those who have died.
Thank you so much for your contribution here.
I sat in a Suicide Prevention class earlier this year and part of the day was spent gathering into small groups. But there was a sharing that occurred with one other person with the topic of asking the question. She shared that at one stage she just wanted to die.
Her doctor asked her if she was thinking of suicide and she replied that she would never suicide and left it at that with her doctor. But before she was about to leave the surgery, he asked her about her future, “I really just feel like going home and dying.” The doctor quickly identified her as suicidal but realised that the S word was simply too alien for her to make the connection. We both felt that it would be better to ask a person directly, if they wanted to die or had thoughts of killing them self. For the words Die and / or Kill yourself are extremely confronting and very person centred.
Just another way of saying something that is able to reveal the same thinking but leaves behind the more clinical, criminal or sinful notion that the S word often conjures up
Are you thinking of killing yourself is an evidence/based question that is recommended. Some want a code word/phrase and still others who don’t grasp the term like younger kids it’s appropriate to ask “are you think you making yourself dead?” You highlight a good point heath.