When my son died by suicide, it all felt unsurvivable, and of course, it was agony.
I didn’t want to do grief, and there was abject fear around facing the unknown and scary future of a life without my son. The pain felt unrelenting. But it did, in fact, relent. At first, those waves of pain feel bigger, more intense, and there is less time between them—so less time to catch one’s breath. But over time, that changes.
Pain often feels pointless after loss or tragedy
It’s raw, unfair, and disorienting. But pain can change you. It’s supposed to.
Pain can be your building blocks to emotional healing. It can reshape you in ways you never imagined, if you allow yourself to move through it rather than around it.
What mattered before—material things, climbing the corporate ladder, perfection—loses its grip. Loss rearranges your priorities without your permission. In that process, pain strips away what’s trivial and reveals what’s essential.
And that clarity often leads to a profound re-evaluation of your life.
So where does the pain lead you?
No one feels “grateful” for the pain, nor do they want it. Once the waves start to relent a little with some more space between them, and it’s not completely all-consuming, you get glimpses of how you want to move forward.
What has your experience taught you?
You may have learned
- to care a lot more about your relationships than anything else
- to be more genuine and authentic
- new survival tools and coping skills
- that you want to show up differently
- that you don’t want others to suffer alone
And so much more. Add yours in the comments!
These are the lessons and pieces of wisdom you gain by living through something you never asked for.
The transformation
There comes a point when you realize you have a choice.
Carry your pain like a weight, or you can use it as fuel.
For me, selling my digital marketing company and then sharing my story helped me move ahead. That was a way to give back and stay connected with my son, Charles, even though he was no longer on earth. It was also a pathway to help others, which, inevitably, helped me.
That is when pain begins to transform—when it stops being only yours and becomes a pathway to help others.
Don’t waste what the pain has taught you
You don’t “get over” a loss. You integrate it into the tapestry called life.
Through the experience and the pain, you learn and build the emotional muscle to carry that grief and your loved one with you. Over time, the meaning you make doesn’t erase the grief; it simply paves a path for you to follow.
Don’t worry if you go in the wrong direction in that quest. Those wrong turns are what teach you which direction you will ultimately go. I tried being Executive Director of a nonprofit youth mental health organization first. I found out by trying it that this wasn’t my pathway.
Finding my way took patience.
The soul that emerges after a tragedy can be a beautiful, more compassionate, and less judgmental human. Never again will you skim the surface of life or take your relationships for granted. Grief and tragedy make life matter more. And the pain you survived can become someone else’s survival guide.
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AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
Pain experienced can certainly teach us things that otherwise may remain hidden.
As much as l would turn my life back to that time before the reality of Suicide touched me, l have gained much in many areas –
More insight and wisdom.
Less concentration on the things which pass. Now l concentrate more on building relationships and connection.
I have met many authentic people and made new friends that are fast filling the gap that suicide creates with those l once knew; people who have pulled back since l lost my partner. Now l have new people and people who can relate to those moments of intense pain, tears and sometimes my own Ideation.
I am very close to finishing a book about suicide loss and ideas as to how l have navigated this uninvited experience. My hope is that it truly supports others whilst navigating their own journey of loss and pain.
People share with me about their own ideation and many share about their attempts. What a privilege that people feel able to share these issues with me, personally and with others more generally.
Lastly, l am also very close to launching into my new career of counseling, with a special focus on Postvention. This has been one of the biggest challenges and yet gifts that my loss has presented to me.
Without my own loss, there was no way these things would have manifested or at least manifested in such a way as to create the authenticity that l strongly believe is needed to work in this field.
The journey has been extremely tough and will no doubt still have its moments, but now it is a journey shared and no longer one of isolation.
Thank you for writing on an aspect of Loss that offers Hope even in the midst of pain.
Your article articulates the hidden depth of what we can attain if we but open Pandora’s Box, even if only tentatively so.
Wow you have so much going on. A book. And also a new degree in counseling! That’s fantastic.
And this….”Less concentration on the things which pass. Now l concentrate more on building relationships and connection.” I relate to this so intensely as I do all of what you have said here. Let us know when your book is out!
I agree with you Anne. Sometimes, we do take pain as a stambling block, yet a trainer, adviser and a director. Pain is a life changer as long as it is accommodated for better, and not for bitter.
Better for bitter! I love that. Thank you for your comment. You do amazing work, spider.
Adam’s Story, a family still working on recovery by sharing our story while reaching out to others. Sharing is Caring! During this season especially and all year long, the Tilton’s are truly grateful to you AnneMoss, your family and Team of wonderful individuals. “God is good…”
Thank you Andy. It’s a lifetime journey but we do figure out ways to manage it and to feel the presence of our loved one.