Drugs and alcohol were Charles’s antidote to thoughts of suicide which we never knew about. That bouncy fun toddler had been replaced by a hilarious teenager who had become uber secretive with episodes of depression and anxiety.
This sudden behavior change, especially the drug use, made me feel like a terrible parent and question everything I had ever done right down to the one comfort-food hot dog I ate while pregnant.
“I keep my sadness masked with a flask, I got sorry to borrow, I’m hollow.”
Charles Aubrey Rogers, lyrics from the song, ‘Just to Hurt’
One night when Charles was 15
I walked into the den and Charles was lying on the floor at weird angles in a pool of vomit. He had passed out on the floor drunk. This was a rebellious reaction aimed at me over something he wasn’t allowed to do. We would have a conversation later and I said that “vindictive drinking” hurt him, too. He agreed.
I thought we’d fixed it because it was still early in terms of his alcohol and drug use but it would turn out to be just the beginning.
Later, he would come home walking in robotic, stiff movements and completely out of it. It’s called Robo tripping. He’d called us from the park to come pick him up because the car wouldn’t start. I was shocked he had intended to drive in that state. He’d lose driving privileges for weeks after that.
One night at 2 am I heard something on the roof and looked out to see Charles as he stood naked, peeing off the side of the roof, in twenty-two-degree weather. Glassy-eyed and unaware of where he was or who I was, we took him to the ER. The verdict was that marijuana had triggered psychosis.
It wasn’t until this point I knew that was even possible and it wasn’t the last time it would trigger a psychotic episode. He would call his brother one night and tell him he was scared because he was hearing voices.
I couldn’t buy Redi Whip for my coffee anymore either
I was perplexed why it was always flat and the counselor my husband and I were seeing to help us with Charles clued us in that he was inhaling the fumes to get high (You can now get “whippets” at most smoke shops.)
At 19 a few months after coming home from two outpatient programs, he nodded off at dinner a couple of times (opiates), and his inflated happiness made my heart lurch with sadness. Because I knew he must be doing some hard drugs and we were way past experimentation. But just because he was addicted to heroin didn’t mean he didn’t abuse other drugs. Charles was a polysubstance abuser.
Those who abuse drugs and alcohol, especially polysubstance abusers, are 10-15 times more likely to die by suicide. I wish I had known that. Alcohol, the legal drug, is still the substance found in the bloodstream most often of those who’ve died by suicide. I don’t know what was in Charles’s bloodstream after his death by suicide in 2015. They were supposed to do a tox screen but neglected to do so.
‘Cause I can’t imagine life w/out the high, Even tho I could sit in a bathtub
for all the times I‘ve made my mother cry—Charles Aubrey Rogers, ‘Out of Reach’
Denial was my friend back then
If Charles was “normal” the next day, I’d talk myself into thinking it was just a one-time event because I didn’t want to face the truth. My mind wouldn’t let me because it seemed insurmountable and impossible.
I didn’t want this to be our problem. Didn’t this happen to other families?
I had trouble divorcing the image of his earlier personality and accepting that the funniest kid in school was clinically depressed. I never got accustomed to seeing my child spaced out, high, dragged down by his depression, or in jail, his face screaming shame. I felt helpless and it chipped away a piece of my heart every single time. This disorder called addiction slowly took him hostage and crushed my heart as I watched my child implode.
Learn more about AnneMoss’ incredible story of grief, hope, and healing through her award-winning memoir Diary of a Broken Mind: A Mother’s Story, a Son’s Suicide, and the Haunting Lyrics He Left Behind. This book includes Charles’s lyrics that help answer the “why” behind his suicide.
“Anne Moss writes an amazing book of her son Charles battle against SUD and depression, and ultimately a talented young man taking his life. After loosing my son to suicide her words of hope and healing helped me during a very difficult time.”
You might not be able to let them live at home, but loving them is never the wrong thing to do.
Ever. Never withdraw love or weaponize it because it only raises the risk of overdose or suicide. I always say I wish I would have said, “As much as I want you to get well, I love you even if you don’t.”
Anytime you talk about substance misuse, there is often a mental health story underneath it all because escape and numbing have become the norm instead of feeling feelings.
This article is in memory of my son, Charles who lived with depression, anxiety, and addiction and died by suicide at age 20, on June 5, 2015.
“My demons up against me, I’m facing them now, I wear the face of a clown. I feel so unloved from the monster created from drugs. “
Charles Aubrey Rogers, lyrics from the song, ‘Just to Hurt’
How can we empower change? By hearing inspirational stories from substance abuse speakers
While I’m most often referred to as a mental health speaker or suicide prevention speaker, the intersection of mental health, substance misuse and my son’s suicide frequently collide. In short, substance use disorder is part of my story, our family story and the subject for most of my son’s lyrics.
Examples of Substance Abuse Speakers Presentations
- Addiction and the Tragic Link to Suicide: What Loved Ones Need to Know for Prevention for Parents of Children with Marijuana-induced psychosis
- Addiction and the Tragic Link to Suicide: Awareness and Prevention Strategies for Schools Nebraska Department of Education
- Diary of a Broken Mind American Association of Suicidology
Resources and Relevant Articles
- PDF: Resources for families of the addicted — with resources, ways to cope, methods that have shown promise, and more.
- PDf: Signs and symptoms of the latest drug trends (the under-the-radar drugs in convenience stores.)
- Article: The Difference Between Tough Love and Setting Boundaries
- Article: Gas Station Heroin, and Other Not-Yet-Regulated Drugs
- AnneMoss’s Topic: Addiction Depression and the Tragic Link to Suicide
- eBook: Signs of Drug Use eBook
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Study: While all substances elevate the risk for suicidal behavior, alcohol and opioids are the most common substances identified in suicide decedents (22% and 20%, respectively), far above rates of marijuana (10.2%), cocaine (4.6%), and amphetamines (3.4%). Alcohol misuse is robustly linked to a heightened risk for suicidal ideation, attempts, and deaths in youths and adults….The 24 hours following alcohol intoxication is associated with a seven-fold increase in the risk for suicidal behavior….AUD (alcohol use disorder) is associated with a 10-fold higher risk for suicide compared to the general population and trails mood disorders as the second most common psychiatric diagnosis in suicides.
Rizk MM, Herzog S, Dugad S, Stanley B. Suicide Risk and Addiction: The Impact of Alcohol and Opioid Use Disorders. Curr Addict Rep. 2021;8(2):194-207. doi: 10.1007/s40429-021-00361-z. Epub 2021 Mar 14. PMID: 33747710; PMCID: PMC7955902.
Signs of Drug Use
- Behaviors and clues that indicate drug use
- Paraphernalia to look for by drug type
- Physical signs to look for by drug type
- Brand & generic names of addictive prescription drugs
- 30 pages, bullet points, and photos
- Bonus guides with the download
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
Certain food definitely activate anxiety. Thank you for your comment Adrian. Physical exertion works for me as well as some DBT skills. It’s hard to manage.
It was very interesting to read your article. Anxiety is a massive problem for many people but very little help is available to combat it. I personally find that anxiety triggers depression and so we really need to find a way to properly target anxiety. I personally have tried all the medications, talking therapies and a daily supply of alcohol. None of it has worked! The only thing that has helped is either fasting for 2-3 days or extreme physical exertion such as an 8 mile walk. Certain foods seem to make my anxiety much worse too. There are certain brands of soft drinks that I have to avoid at all costs so maybe somebody should be looking into the effect that food ingredients have on anxiety. I also find it interesting that since everyone quit smoking there has been a significant rise in anxiety problems so maybe it was helping us get through everyday.
Our son was also a polysubstance use addict and we did not realize it. I knew he drank and used marijuana but did not know of the other substances until after his head injury from his first suicide attempt. I also was not aware that traumatic brain injury increases your risk of suicide. The night Matthew died by suicide he was in AA and clean and sober per his toxicology report from his autopsy. I too question every conversation and interaction of his life. He was a happy child who also hid his depression and anxiety well.
I’m so sorry we are both bereaved mothers. And with a similar history. Thank you for validating my feelings. I have worked through it but it’s been hard and it took a long time. Much love to you and your family in memory of Matthew.
Thank you AnneMoss, for being so vulnerable that you have gained the strength to share this insight. I know that it will help me in my future work as a counselor. We seem to think that marijuana is a safe drug that doesn’t cause any ill effects (unless from an allergic reaction) but your experience highlights that this simply isn’t the case as it can cause psychosis.. Thank you for sharing about Charles as I can appreciate how terribly emotionally and mentally difficult it must have been for you at that time – as too your other family members. Of course, it is only an appreciation for I have not had this experience nor am I you with your own unique responses.
You are the best and you make a fantastic counselor, Heath. I know you will be the type people trust. Thank you for engaging and for your support. It helps.