As a culture, we have a fear of feelings–particularly the difficult ones. Our first instinct is to push away unpleasant or difficult feelings like sadness and despair. But the anticipation of them is far worse. It takes more energy to avoid them than to allow them in.
What’s more, pushing them away means they’ll come back at you like a boomerang on steroids. Holding them back is like preventing a waterfall from going over the edge.
Over time pent-up feelings build up and can leak out in ugly and unpleasant ways. Like lashing out in anger irritability, eating too much ice cream, or drinking too much beer.
Feelings are temporary and denying or numbing them isn’t brave or heroic
And burying them? That cheats you out of healing or developing coping skills for managing them.
It’s those painful events, sad events, that help us build our coping toolbox.
One tool is “ride the wave.” It means go with the flow because the big tsunami wave of emotion eventually becomes a small ripple which means it doesn’t last forever. So let it in, feel it, reflect on it. And like a wave, ride it out until it trickles out.
The intense feelings? They last 60-90 seconds. You can do that.
- So feel the feelings first
- Once they lift, then distract yourself with a healthy coping strategy. And that’s not a glass of wine.
Talking about them with someone, is. Because that’s harder. Much harder.
I know some of those monumental seismic-shift feelings can really hurt
I lost a child to suicide, an attack, and a brain tumor. There’s more but all of those things helped me build resilience and by feeling the feelings I created the building blocks to emotional healing.
You can’t make the pain of difficult emotions go away. But you can acknowledge them, reflect on them, and lessen your suffering.
Diving in means you are at that raw ugly place for a shorter time.
Avoiding them means you get stuck. What do you want for yourself?
Your feelings are there to be felt and not denied. What’s more, it’s good for your mental health.
Feel Your Feelings Summary
- You can’t heal if you can’t feel
- You can’t control what happens, but you can control how you react
- Feelings are not permanent, and neither is a crisis. Things are always changing.
- How others act toward you is often not personal but a result of what they are going through. Their feelings are under siege so reach out.
- Minimize your exposure to toxic stress by removing yourself from the situation. (Abuse in the home, for example)
- Working through problems makes you more resilient
- Asking for help is not a weakness but a sign of strength.
- Talk to someone so your problems don’t take over your head and swallow your life and all the fun in it! Tell a trusted adult if you are younger (that is a slightly annoying adult).
- Choose a healthy coping strategy that works for you
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
As I was traveling home from work at around 3am the other day it became very difficult and extremely taxing to feel the grief that l still feel and realize that I have no one to now really share my feelings with. I think about Martin and our little now-deceased dog a lot of the time and then I sit alone in my flat experiencing a lot of hurt and deep isolation from the people around me. I ask myself: Who really wants to share this given that Martin died by suicide a few months short of three years? All I feel that I can do is try to deflect my thoughts and feelings away from my life when such times come to visit me. Never would I have thought that grief could be so overwhelming.
Reading your article makes me realize that I need to go with my feelings and learn to confront them so that I can begin to process them. I particularly like the way that you have summarized the means to feeling what we feel, in 9 steps. After two years, I am just now beginning to explore my deepest feelings with my therapist in a more authentic and open manner. Most times I deflect my feelings away for when I explore them with her, I can (like earlier in a session today) begin to experience anxiety and a physical reaction where I can feel quite nauseous. A lot of the issues surrounding my grief is tied up with childhood issues of abandonment and from hiding myself away from adults as a child as a way to protect myself – It was better back then to escape into my own world and remain invisible than to share my feelings, my fears and my emotions. This worked as a child but as an adult, I need to find a way to be able to share my feelings and my thoughts.
Thanks AnneMoss for such an insightful and encouraging article.
They are so painful and isolating. I get that. I also feel that when you lose a partner, the loneliness is exacerbated because the one person with whom you shared is no longer there. And that alone has its own sense of “how could you leave me?” feelings. I’m glad you got something out of this. A lot want to jump into distraction without sitting with the feelings first. It’s really quite common. Thank you as always for your lovely and insightful comments.
Thank you Anne.
I appreciate and admire you more than you know.
I have been here from the beginning.
feel like I know your brilliant son Charles.
love how you are using your deep and tragic pain to help us.
You are doing a wonderful service to us that have lost someone we love.
Thank you. 🙏🏽
I have such a story but it’s of course still unfolding.
Thank you.💜
Chris Pettibon
Chris! Yes you have been with me since the beginning. You were on the first list of 100 subscribers. It’s good to hear from you fellow angel momma. We are still here and yes, our stories are still unfolding. Thanks for being here and being support for so long.