Turning Mistakes into Lessons: A Personal Journey
Was I a failure as a mother because my son became addicted to drugs and died by suicide?
It felt like it at first. Right after it happened, it was all my fault.
And from 2010 until 2015 before his death, I met daily with the crushing defeat of feeling like I was failing at the one job that was most important to me in the whole world, ushering my child into adulthood successfully.
I couldn’t fix his depression. I couldn’t fix his addiction. And we were never able to conquer his sleep disorder no matter how many doctors or treatments we tried.
All the chaos in my life affected my ability to focus at work
During crises, my productivity and creativity suffered. I clung to some image of professionalism with the edges of my fingernails so as not to let slip the only vestige of human dignity I thought I had left.
When we fail or experience an adverse event or tragedy, we rarely think, “This is a learning opportunity!”
However, the success of anything is the collection of lessons we have learned from failures. There is wisdom and healing in that process. You have something to share based on what you have experienced.
When I landed in that place of self-blame and pain, I used positive self-affirmation and self-compassion. I told myself, “You did all you could given what you knew. You did your best and you loved Charles. And all this pain means you are healing.”
What I recognized years after my son’s death was that I wasn’t a failure. I was human
Just because you feel like a failure doesn’t mean you are a failure
I had a moment of epic failure, of letting my brain talk me out of what I knew in my gut. But I can’t look back with all the information I know now and judge how I acted or failed to act in a moment of emotional chaos because I didn’t have much information. Or guidance.
I can take the lessons I have learned and teach others. I can help guide system changes. Not in a self-deprecating way. But in a meaningful and emotionally naked way.
I have forgiven myself and understand now that, like most errors, many factors beyond my control figured into my son’s death by suicide.
While failure, adverse events, and tragedy are not nearly as fun as winning the lottery, the key is understanding that it’s often not a reflection of your worth or abilities.
In short, failure can be a stepping stone toward future success. But this doesn’t happen automatically. It happens purposefully and with effort.
The price tag for life learning can be higher than you want to pay but we don’t have that choice. However, we do have the choice of what to make of it going forward.
Steps to Helping You Combat the Self-deprecating Emotion of Failure:
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
- It’s okay to feel upset, disappointed, or frustrated. Recognize these feelings without judgment.
- Journaling or talking with someone you trust can help process your emotions.
2. Challenge Negative Thoughts
- Identify the specific thoughts making you feel like a failure.
- Ask yourself: Are these thoughts based on facts or assumptions? What would you tell a friend in your situation?
- Use positive affirmations, mantras, to remind yourself that this won’t be forever, and might serve as a positive turnaround for you.
3. Shift Perspective
- Failure is not the opposite of success but a part of the journey.
- Reflect on lessons learned and how this experience can help you grow.
4. Celebrate Small Wins
- Focus on your achievements, no matter how small. They matter and can serve as a reminder of your abilities.
- Make a list of accomplishments (Book of Wins) where you can access them and when you are feeling like a failure, revisit them to remind yourself of your wins.
5. Reframe the Narrative
- Shift the narrative from “I’m a failure” to “This isn’t any fun at all but I’m going to learn something valuable from it.”
- Although this sucks, this will help me build resilience.
- I have no idea how I will fix this but I’ll figure out a one first step to move forward.
- Life is a series of moments, and this one does not define your entire story.
6. Remember Your Value
- Your worth isn’t tied to accomplishments or failures. You are valuable simply for being you.
- I have the choice to do something with what I’ve learned to help others which will help me, too.
7. Forgive Yourself
- Holding yourself hostage forever accomplishes nothing.
- At first you might not be ready to forgive yourself because it’s a process. So set the intention that one day you will forgive yourself. You don’t need a timeline.
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AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
AnneMoss, once again your personal words of the pain we all share in our loss of a loved one touches our hearts, lets us know we are not alone in reality we are part of a special family left here to help others on this journey while working to spare others from what we all to well understand about Suicide.
Thank You.
Thank you Andy
Such wise words! I think one other question I asked myself is, “Do I love my child?” Loving (even with a flood of frustration) is beautiful.
That’s a good one Lisa. Thanks for sharing it.