In memory of Charles Aubrey Rogers, 04.26.1995-06.05.2015
Each year, the photos of my son look more dated. His friends are going to grad school, married, with children, and moving up in their careers. How could all that happen without Charles? Most of all, how have I managed to move forward without him in my life? At first, I was emotionally underwater watching as everyone else got on a bus that I couldn’t board. Everything was moving so fast and I was suspended in high-viscosity oil, unable to keep up.
The first birthday was hell, unbearable, impossible. It’s not like that any longer– more like an undercurrent of frustration and irritability, a bit of social desperation, with periods of no motivation punctuated by sadness and a watery brain.
I wish I was hearing, ‘Hey Mom, what are we going to do for my birthday?’
He would ask months in advance of his big day. Charles thought his birthday should be a national holiday. Not that he was arrogant or a narcissist. He was not.
Charles loved parties not because of the gifts but because of the people and the excitement. Most of all he loved the anticipation. He got to call the shots–what games to play, who to invite (usually everyone he’d ever come in contact with) what cake to have and he’d push every limit and want the longest of all birthday parties. He wanted everyone at the house at 2 pm and then to spend the night. If it was less than 24 hours it was less than.
The last birthday and the last Christmas were not spent with us.
That’s a deep regret. He asked for help for his addiction right before his birthday so he was actually in detox. I had been planning a birthday party, excited that we’d be together for his birthday after not being together for some three years on his birthday but instead I had to cancel a cake and instead make calls to insurance companies to find a facility.
Family and friends were to be cherished because his relationships were the center of his universe. He was a tender-hearted soul–his vulnerability was beautiful, endearing, and sweet.
For me, the anticipation of his birthday after his suicide is usually worse than the actual day, April 26. But I know better than to speculate because it’s never how I think it will be. It might be this year the day of is really harder than the anticipation.
While he would be 29 on Friday, April 26, 2024, he is actually frozen forever at 6′ foot 2″, 135 pounds, and 20 years old. But I’m celebrating anyway.
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
AnneMoss, our hearts go out to you and your family. As you may recall from our post on Adam’s Story, April 23, 1993 is Adam’s 31st anniversary in Heaven.
Our families seem to be connected by loss. On this special date, please know you and your family and all the millions of families who have lost a love one no matter the date, are all part of our family of grievers and givers. Together we will make a difference, and our loved ones will continually be missed and remembered for the precious little time we had with them.
My heart goes out to you, Andy. You’ve been a faithful friend and advocate and I’m proud to be partnered with you. Love in memory of adam.
AnneMoss,
Just wanted to say “hello,” and thank you for all of the work that you do to bring attention to mental health and suicide in honor of your precious Charles. I heard you speak last year and it was an honor. We just got through the 1 year anniversary of my children’s father’s suicide. You and Charles inspire me to reach out and talk about this with others and share our story. Happy Birthday to Charles!
This goes to “you never know what your audience is going through” category.
It’s really hard to watch your kids struggle with grief and I appreciate what you’ve shared here. Thanks for commenting Melissa. Much love to your family.
Dear Ann,
First, I am very sorry for this great loss of yours. I can not even begin to imagine what is like to be on your shoes, or the shoes of any parent who has lost a child by suicide. By the grace of God, we are a survival of suicide. My son of 19 years of age at the time and (5 years ago), tried to end his life as well, almost to the point of completing it. I will reserve the details as they are still very painful and vivid in my brain. The journey has not been a walk on the park, and he is doing relatively better in comparison to that time. I as well have to buried all the dreams we hold for our sons/daughters. I am grateful he still here, as I understand that he has a story to be told still, and although is taking a bit of time, the perfect time will come. As a result of this life experience, I went on to serve as an advocate for the Awareness of Mental Health, not only in the English speaking community, but also for my Spanish speaking community, here in the state of New Jersey. I am a partner of the National Alliance of Mental Illness, (NAMI) and by utilizing their already in place programs is that have being able to make an positive impact. I am sure, that Charles, will continue to have an AWESOME Birthday up in HEAVEN! as he sees his mom, shedding LIGHT here on earth!
Respectfully,
Carmen
Thank you for taking your anguish and educating your community! I know it was hard what you’ve gone through. We just completed a documentary that will be out in June for parents of children who have attempted suicide. A resource finally. But what you’ve done is so valuable. Thank you for your comments and I am grateful that your son lived through that attempt and that you did, too. It’s so hard.
It is such a wonderful thing that you still celebrate his birthday and Charles would find peace in knowing that his family still care so much. Just knowing that people care is the best birthday present anyone could possibly want. It was my 50th birthday just yesterday and I spent the day alone as there was nobody that cared and it was pretty tough but Charles is very fortunate.
Happy birthday a couple of days late. 50! I will say that my mom made a big deal about my birthday but now that she is not alive there is not much fanfare. But that’s a milestone. Thank you for commenting.
Special prayers for you and your family on April 26th, a birthday that Charles shared with my son Duncan and with Robby Baxter. Laura and I think about you every year. Charles was “the life of the party”. I’m sure he is celebrating in Heaven. One day you will see him again. . . He will be “whole” then. . .
Thank you Cathy. You have supported and kept up all 9 years since his death. I appreciate your kindness and that support.
Happy Birthday in Heaven Charles 🙏🏼🤍✨💫✨
Thinking about you Anne
Thank you Carol.
April 26th is the anniversary of the day my nephew Michael took his life. His birthday was April 13th. He is forever 19 to us but he would have been 51 this year. I choose to remember him as a little boy, full of laughter and mischief. My son’s heart was forever broken that day. losing his hero. 💔💔💔.
Thank you for that lovely tribute. I wonder how many of them die close to their birthdays?
Soon, I will be opening up a Retreat Center that includes a program to help people process the grief. I am so grateful to be called to serve those who have suffered a loss, as I have suffered my own losses and been transformed through the process.
That’s such a lovely endeavor Anne. It’s so needed to get people on the right path and create that connection.
Anne, I feel you. Thank you for being in my life! It was so wonderful to meet you in person last week, although I feel like I’ve known you forever. Happy heavenly birthday, Charles. My boy Aamon will be 13 on the 26th. He’s Jason’s son and I am raising him. I love you!
Wow. So you have a piece of Jason. What a commitment and what a gift at the same time. It was wonderful meeting with you! I posted our photo on IG.
Anne Moss – it’s been 9 years for you and 12 for me. Can you believe it? I like how you described your feelings -an undercurrent of frustration and irritability, a bit of social desperation, with periods of no motivation punctuated by sadness and a watery brain.
Precisely.
Love you girl – thinking of you today. 💙
Thank you gray. It’s friday. The day. But last week and this week have been just–well you know.
Sending you hugs. So sorry that you now send birthday wishes to heaven. Our 23 year old son passed away battling colorectal cancer. Birthday’s are extremely difficult. Connor will be turning 31 in heaven on June 1.
A 23 year old with colorectal cancer. How freaking rare. I’m so sorry. I do know that’s a cancer that once you see symptoms it’s in its advanced stages. Muich love to you and your family in memory of Connor.
I have no doubt that Charles’ excitement has easily engaged Rowan to jump into action to plan and execute a BIG, Charles-sized, Heavenly Birthday Extravaganza!! Just imagine the fun! XOXO
That made me smile. Thank you Virginia.
Dear Anne,
My heart and mind understand grief so well. I feel all that you are saying although I didnt lose a child.. I lost my husband. You are brave and strong! I always want to hug you after reading your posts.
Be safe! May you feel Charles’ love and hugs today.
I think the hard part about losing a partner or spouse is that it’s lonelier. You are not going through it with that loved one. Much love to you Becky.
Anne Moss, I can’t believe it’s been 9 years. It doesn’t seem possible. I am thinking of you on this complex, difficult, yet joyous day. Charles was a light in your world even as he struggled so. Much love to you.
Anne, I totally understand your emotions today. Nine years since Charles left this planet. He is somewhere, heavenly, wishing you peace and love for giving him life. Jason does the same for me on his birthday, June 7. It’s just so difficult, isn’t it! ❤️🙏
It is. Charles’s death anniversary is two days before your Jason’s birthday. It used to be from April 1 until June 5 I was immobile but thankfully in between I do bounce back now.
I know. That’s a pretty long time. I’m grateful for the healing that has taken place in that time. It’s been a lot of work but worth it. And now I know it’s about integrating the loss into your life.
I hope your daughter is well. I know she had been seriously ill and what a scare that was. That never goes away either–that fear of a return. Love you and I appreciate your unwavering support. I was just at UNC speaking at their campus walk.