If in crisis, call 988 in the USA, or text “hello” to the USA/Canada Crisis Text Line at 741-741.

I didn’t even want to acknowledge the existence of suicide prevention month in 2015 after Charles died in June that year. It was too new and raw to fathom the concept. My mind was in full blame mode at the time and couldn’t yet accept that it wasn’t my fault that he killed himself.

The fact that I didn’t prevent my son’s suicide used to be on replay in my brain. Fortunately, I worked through the guilt although that took time and work.

I understand now that the more people recognize signs and take action, the more chances we have to help someone else save their own life. Because people who struggle want to talk and often indicate their intentions prior to the act.

Most children who died by suicide had made a suicidal statement in the past (79.6%)

Source: NIMH study and over 50% for adults

We just need to listen and react appropriately to those clues because they are invitations to ask that question. Most want desperately to tell. We need more people to be aware of what to listen for.

They don’t go running to a mental health professional. They tell normal everyday people who have no idea what to do so I’m going to share what to do.

Why listening is important for suicide prevention

We cannot control the actions of another human being and we can’t fix all their problems.

But we can listen. Listen without judgement or fixing when someone is hurting and be brave enough to sit with someone in their pain. That is hard to do. It’s uncomfortable and scary to sit or walk into someone else’s tragedy. While you think it will overwhelm you or bring you down, it actually does the opposite. It buoys you. A deep connection does that.

We don’t put much value on sitting there and listening.

We think it’s not enough. So I’m going to share some comments from my YouTube videos and blog. The first one is from a high school student. I have hundreds of these. But this one really hits home the value of listening and how much it helps.

The exchange below starts with a will to die. And as you can see a year after our initial conversation, she comes back to say thanks for listening and how she was able to get back to living life.

I didn’t do anything fancy. I said things like, “How did it make you feel when your family thought you were joking?” I told her later that family members and friends find it difficult to take a suicide threat seriously because it’s so hard to fathom. I also validated her right to feel hurt.

Then I asked, “Was there anything that activated this intense episode of despair?” “How long have you felt this way?” Open-ended questions. I never tried to tell her that life would get better or that she was wrong or provide solutions.

Now I have provided links to coping strategies for extreme emotions when it suited. But it’s usually not at the start. I need to hear them and they need to feel heard.

I posted these to show that listening does work. And it takes someone who knows the person to feel that something isn’t right.

When we hear our gut screaming, “This is a red flag,” we need to push through that discomfort. When the person says, “I can’t do this anymore” or “No one will miss me if I was gone and the world would be a better place without me,” we shouldn’t argue with what that person feels.

Instead, we need to ask questions. By doing so you are allowing what has taken up so much brain real estate to come out in the open which then stops those awful thoughts from holding that person’s brain hostage. Their behavior also indicates something is wrong. Those are below.

We need to ask, “Are you thinking of suicide?”

That doesn’t plant the idea in their head as some may think. It does deliver relief to the person struggling who very likely has wanted to tell someone only no one would listen and they feel ashamed of these feelings.

My son wanted me to ask but I didn’t know to ask. I have forgiven myself for that. Because I couldn’t act on something I knew nothing about because it was not on my radar at all.

But if you suspect something is wrong, would you rather the person struggling to answer it with their death or attempt? After is not the ideal time to get the answer to that question and if you want to know if someone is thinking of suicide that’s how we need to ask it.

[icon name=”heart” prefix=”fas”] Directly, succinctly, empathetically, and with love in your heart.

That feeling in your gut means someone needs to talk and someone needs you to listen

It might not be suicide but I want you to assume it is until you know it isn’t.

If you lost someone you love to suicide, this is not a guilt trip

I didn’t see the signs. And after, all I saw were blinking neon signs of suicide because I knew the outcome.

You were likely just like me and didn’t see it coming because you didn’t see the signs. Or maybe you didn’t think your loved one would really kill themselves. So many joke about it. And if they do we need to ask even if we think they are joking. But I didn’t know this and I probably would not have known to ask back then. It’s likely that you pick up on these clues now. Loss does that.

Download free resources here

What can you do?

• Sponsor books for teachers
• Give to a walk team for suicide prevention or create your own team
• Tell your story
• Share a blog post or news article on the subject
• Wear a t-shirt
• Sponsor or host a suicide prevention training

This post in honor of my son Charles.

AnneMoss Rogers

AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives.  She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.