I’ll start with a story of my own. After two years of correspondence with a neurodiverse, young adult named Lynn, I stopped hearing from her suddenly. Worried about her outcome, I kept emailing to find out what was going on.

Was she still alive?

If there is a death, often a loved one will let me know as they have gotten access to email. That has happened only twice.

But I remember both vividly and I did feel a sense of loss. And failure. I have learned to expect that feeling and work through it. But that doesn’t mean I bypass the hurt.

Finally, I heard from Lynn after a month

She wasn’t doing great but she was alive.

It reminded me of a time when I didn’t hear back from a young man I’d been emailing for 6 months–daily. One day I got correspondence from a different email account he’d set up and it was a suicide note he delivered to me via email. He asked that I send the letter to his parents. In France.

Most often I get notes like the one you see below. I keep all of them because they lift me up on days I’m struggling with grief after losing a son to suicide. Or days when little is going my way.

What I hear from school staff after a suicide

For my second book, Emotionally Naked: A Teacher’s Guide For Preventing Suicide and Spotting Students at Risk, we interviewed teachers and school counselors and part of that interview involved learning more about after a suicide loss at a school.

“The Colorado school where I teach went on lockout and we didn’t know why. With our school so close to Columbine, it’s hard not to think the worst when this happens. I kept teaching in an effort to distract the students. And myself. Thirty minutes into the lockout I’m looking at my student Emily as a look of horror crosses her face, which triggers a visceral internal response. Then one by one I see other students with their phones out and the same look of shock appears on all their faces. One of them shares that they’d all been sent a picture via the social media platform called Snapchat. It was a body bag photo of a student who had killed himself just minutes before. I never saw the picture. I couldn’t. And
although we didn’t hear it, the rifle shot was heard by many of the classes. Earlier that day, a male who had been in my class as a freshman was in his welding class and referring to his welding helmet, he quietly told another student, ‘I won’t be needing that anymore.’ He then asked the teacher if he could be excused to go to the bathroom. He crossed the football field, went home, got his weapon, then went to a public park near the school. That suicide rocked the community. It was the first one of three student suicides. It was one of the worst teaching days of my life.”

Doris, Science Teacher, Colorado Public School

Over the years I’ve run workshops and PD training for teachers, school nurses, and school mental health staff (e.g., school counselors) and I often want to know how they feel when they lose a student and that’s after I’ve told my emotionally naked story. Did they have the same struggles as I did even though the situation with students was less face-to-face? (Some of mine are face-to-face interactions but most are email/or DMs.)

I noticed some recurring themes

When educators call me right after it happens, they often express confusion and seem unmoored. “Floaty” and an “out-of-body-experience” is how one school counselor described her state of mind.

Those who work closely with students, educators, and especially the mental health team who feel it’s their job to prevent suicide, take it personally. That’s often the case with a death by suicide. People feel guilt.

The mental health team is expected to orchestrate the postvention, the grieving process after a suicide loss yet they are feeling numb and grief-stricken themselves. Most of them show up and do so valiantly but it is often at a cost. When do they get to grieve?

When I have conduct a training, we have that conversation. We acknowledge the pain, the feelings of guilt, and inadequacy that follows a suicide loss which is especially sharp when you are the one tasked with student mental health. In short, we get to be open about our own grief.

I felt like a failure as a mom. And many teachers and school mental health professionals have felt that way, too. Here are some of their comments.

How does it feel to lose a student to suicide?

Julie
Loss of professional identity

Summer
blame and anger

Shauna
GUILT. Aching heart!

Jamie
Worried

Carrie
disbelief

Cassie
helplessness

Stefanie
Fear, Guilt, Sadness, exhaustion

Kelly
Shock, fear

Kate
guilt, denial, helplessness

Deborah
Confusion, sadness

Joe
guilt, blaming

Jennifer
Failure, disbelief

Cathy
Helplessness and fear

Katie
I felt guilt

Audrey
Anger, sadness, frustration, helplessness

Deborah
shock and helplessness

Jessie
guilt and helplessness

Myra
Shocked disbelief because I never guessed he was dealing with depression

It’s usually the task of someone on the mental health team to ask permission to share the cause of death and visit the family. And yes, I provide a thoughtful script and protocol for that thanks to input from several experts including my co-author Dr. O’Brien. (Hint: It’s also in the book below. ) It’s the job of the mental health team to guide teachers on what to do and what to say to students. You can find that guide in the bullet points below.

Many times, teachers don’t want to return to their classrooms or don’t know what to do with the empty desk. We have a lot of creative stories of how others have managed that situation that fall within guidelines. Because we can’t just say, “suck it up.” We need to be thoughtful and creative.

We also discuss strategies for processing grief, our own and the students–together. Because we are not meant to grieve alone but together. And we can use this as an opportunity to create connection from tragedy.

I never forget that some in my audience, even if they are educators, might also struggle with their own mental health and thoughts of suicide. So that is always addressed directly and normalized with respect although no one is ever called out or asked to reveal themselves.

So remember that the staff that leads the efforts behind a student or staff suicide, is a human being, too. Most school staff are deeply affected and report it as a life-altering event.

Other Relevant Articles on Suicide Postvention:

• Do You Have a Crisis Plan for a Student’s Death at Your School or University?
• Should a School Mention a Student at Graduation Who Has Died by Suicide?
• Should the Student Who Died by Suicide be in the Yearbook?
• What Should a School Do About Impromptu Memorials for a Student Who Died by Suicide
• The stories you share about our beloved dead mean the most (My favorite postvention activity for students and staff)
• Online Suicide Prevention Training for School Counselors
• Grief Talking Points for Faculty/Staff After a Death at Your School/University

Emotionally Naked: A Teacher’s Guide to Preventing Suicide and Recognizing Students at Risk

Buy now

AnneMoss Rogers

AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives.  She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.