A Guide for Families
We all want recovery for our loved ones so badly because it’s unbearable to see someone self-destruct when addiction takes their brain hostage.
So, whether your loved one is going into recovery, in recovery now, coming out of rehab, or even nowhere near recovery, here are some steps you can take to support that effort without controlling it. Because you can’t control it.
Learn all you can and plan for it. For one, that will quiet some of the projecting and panicking your brain is doing all the time.
Start learning more about their drug of choice
It could be that you are not sure, or it could be a poly substance misuse scenario, but usually, there is one that they can’t go without daily. Try to find out what that is, so you have a starting point for your education.
Is it alcohol, opioids, methamphetamine, xylazine (tranq), marijuana, cocaine, or other stimulants (adderall), benzodiazepines (e.g., Xanax), hallucinogens (LSD, psilocybin), or inhalants? Or are they drugs found in smoke shops like 7-OH and Kratom, both of which act like opioids, Deltas, which act like THC, and Amanita Muscaria, which acts like a hallucinogen. And yes, these are also addictive even if they are not illegal in your state.
You can’t fix this. You can’t do it for them. You can’t chase after them with dates and times for NA or AA.
But you can support your loved one. So what does that mean, and what does it look like?
I’ll start with questions I get frequently since so many know I went through a heroin addiction with my son, Charles, before his death by suicide in 2015.
Here are common questions:
- I am curious about rehab, relapse, and how often that occurs
- At what point are you just done?
- How can success be best achieved during this time when a setback occurs? What can I do as a parent during a setback or relapse?
- Am I even allowed to know about treatment if my child is an adult? What does HIPAA have to do with all this?
- What about if my loved one has no insurance?
We won’t tackle all of these in depth, but I’ll offer at least some direction.
1. I am curious about rehab, relapse, and how often that occurs
That depends on the person and the drug.
Opioids are a particularly difficult addiction to shake, and I remember in 2015, people were doing 5, 6, 7, or more times in rehab, and many were dying. However, everyone has a different level of severity when it comes to addiction, and it has a lot to do with genetics, mental health, and past trauma.
So there is no definitive answer.
2. At what point are you just done?
Oh boy, I wondered that. I wanted to scoot under a rock in Peru and hide until it was over and my son was in recovery. As parents and loved ones of someone struggling with addiction we want an end date so badly. How far do we go? How long will this be going on? When can we just let it all go?
Think of that feeling as giving your brain a break from the emotional mayhem of caring for someone who has a substance use disorder. Give yourself a break so you can refuel and come back fighting. But this also means that maybe you need to set some boundaries.
- I am Done! The Refueling Comment
- I Wanted All to End. And Then it Did
- Soul exhaustion as a result of my son’s substance misuse and mental health
- The Difference Between Tough Love and Setting Boundaries
3. How can success be best achieved during this time when a setback occurs?
What can I do as a parent during a setback or relapse? Let your loved one know that, as much as you want them to get well, you love them even if they don’t. Stay in contact, don’t overreact, and take the phone away. Sometimes you can’t do much more than see if they want to try again.
You can admit you feel fear, but be careful not to express anger or disappointment. Most importantly, get support for yourself at this time. Because there is real fear and devastation, and you are not in control, and it’s very difficult. See below for “Have an educated plan of action.”
4. Am I even allowed to know about treatment if my child is an adult? What does HIPAA have to do with all this?
This is the part I found frustrating. They won’t say anything to you about treatment if the patient has not signed a HIPAA consent form to share with you. We were completely in the dark. But they had no issue sending us a bill for what was a complete mystery. If they are 18 or over in the USA, they can keep it all private. Do try to encourage them to allow you to be a partner and give them some of their power back by saying this is their recovery, and you have your own recovery. Here’s the thing. You can have a plan, and just creating that plan offers you some sense of control.
5. What about if my loved one has no insurance?
Typically, county and state agencies or rehab centers can help the person seeking recovery get Medicaid. Ideally, it would be great if you could get them to get prior, but that’s often difficult. Many places take Medicaid, and even some rehabs that only take it. One of the best rehabs in Virginia is free and supported by donations.
I think a doctor trained in or with a specialty in addiction medicine is a great resource.
Have an Educated Plan of Action
Start by learning all you can about SUD (substance use disorder)
Understand that you didn’t “cause” it. People are simply born predisposed to being addicted.
Find out what it does to the brain and how it takes your loved one hostage. Dr. Peter Coleman, a physician in long-term recovery and now retired after 40 years in practice as an addiction specialist, has said, “I told many patients that a good way to think about what has caused them to develop an addiction is that they were born with a brain with low levels of dopamine.“
If you read, there are some great books that offer solid guidance.
- Read Books. BALM: The Loving Path to Family Recovery or Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. And these, Complete Freedom from Opioid Addiction: A Guide from a Recovering Physician, An American Fix, (these are affiliate links. Gotta make my $12 per month. :) While there are a great many books, each of these serves a purpose, the last two if your loved one is going into recovery from any SUD.
- Books and Workbooks
- Go to Groups like Families Anonymous, watch webinars
- Go to an open AA or NA meeting and just listen to those in recovery. I learned more at open AA and NA meetings than anywhere else. I went to at least a dozen meetings. I stayed in the background and just listened. After some of them came to talk to me, I got to ask questions.
- Take Classes related to BALM or BEYOND ADDICTION.
Books that Help Families Understand and Create a Plan of Action
The Recovery Plan. Yours and Theirs.
What is your part? How can you assist the process without controlling the process?
Before Recovery
If they come to you for help, where will they go?
- What detox places take your insurance? If your loved one has no insurance, where can they go? (County resources usually know.)
- Do the detox centers have a good reputation, and do they use medication for detox? Usually, the Family Support Groups or an addiction specialist can tell you this.
- What rehabs take your insurance or Medicaid? If your loved one does not have Medicaid, where do you start the process when the time comes? Can you get your loved one to apply now?
- Find out more about rehab centers and the differences between them.
- Is your loved one on a drug that has medication options for withdrawal and after?
Before Recovery, When They are In Recovery, or Just Out of Rehab
- Who in your area or in your state is a doctor specializing in addiction recovery? You can always get an appointment through telehealth if there isn’t one in your area.
- Addiction medicine specialists are physicians, nurse practitioners, or physician assistants who have experience in the addiction field. Many have undergone specialty training, allowing them to become certified by the American Board of Addiction Medicine. Many addiction medicine specialists are also in long-term recovery.
- Make an appointment to find out more, or have an addiction medicine physician come speak to your group (e.g., Families Anonymous, SMART Recovery, Family & Friends, etc.) about recovery plans and how families can support a loved one. Find out what a recovery plan looks like by asking for examples.
- Are there any medications that are suggested for the drug they take to quiet cravings? Opioids, especially, can be a hard recovery path. While you won’t be deciding for them if they are 18 or over, you can educate yourself so you know what one is and where to take your loved one when it’s time, so they can have the conversation with a physician who understands. It’s not your plan, so let them be the leader and make the choices even if it’s not all you had hoped. It’s a solid start.
Dr. Coleman’s Book is the best book about recovery plans and more that I have ever read. Very practical!
- Chapter 25—Treatment Options for Opioid Use Disorder
- Chapter 26—A Substance Abuse Evaluation
- Chapter 37—The Next Steps-The First 90 Days
- Chapter 54—Thoughts for Loved Ones and Families
Consider making an appointment with a recovery specialist to understand what a recovery plan is and map out a draft of your first moves.
Not that you will be the boss of it or even guide your loved one. But you will be supporting their choices. You can’t put more effort into recovery than they are willing to. It won’t work.
You simply want to find out the options and figure out the first moves where you will likely be involved. A discussion with an addiction professional will give you a starting point.
Create a list of questions and take notes.
- So where are the long-term rehabs?
- Where are the short-term detox and rehabs?
- Which ones come recommended?
- What recommendations do you have for families?
It will help you feel less lost and overwhelmed if you know more and have a rough plan for the first steps when you are likely guiding that part of the early process. Learn what helps and then find a group for you so you are modeling getting help while also finding your people who have more bandwidth than friends not going through this.
I would recommend reading Complete Freedom from Opioid Addiction by Peter Coleman, MD, even if your loved one is addicted to a different drug. Where are the recovery houses in your area? Will you pay for month one?
Your Recovery
It’s not just their recovery, it’s yours, too. You have to understand, shift and change. You’d do this for any other disorder or disease. If your family member had diabetes you’d have certain foods and make changes in the family dynamic. See these posts for guidance on that topic.
- Blog Post: It’s not just their recovery, it’s yours, too
- PDF: Resources for Families with an Addicted Loved One
The addiction specialist
Addiction medicine specialists are physicians, nurse practitioners, or physician assistants who have experience in the addiction field. Many have undergone specialty training, allowing them to become certified by the American Board of Addiction Medicine. Many addiction medicine specialists are also in long-term recovery.
With their consent, go with them to the initial evaluation appointment, but don’t dictate. You can provide helpful support and learn what the specialist is recommending if you are allowed in the room, which you may not be.
The recovery plan should be comprehensive, individualized, and written down. And it’s their plan. It might be all you hoped for, and it might not be all you want, but it’s a start in the right direction.
It is impossible to predict what will happen with an addicted person in the family. Many do an abrupt about-face and get sober just when everybody was ready to give up on them.
Education and learning how to support without controlling does improve outcomes.
While my son died by suicide, the rest of the 30+ people in my group all now have children or loved ones in recovery who are doing well.
Example of a Recovery Plan
Case study source: Complete Freedom from Opioid Addiction, by Dr. Peter Coleman, an addiction specialist for 40 years. From Chapter 24, Treatment Options for Opioid Use Disorder.
Case Study: Claudia
In 2015, Claudia and her mother came to see me [Dr. Peter Coleman] for advice.
Claudia had relapsed again. She was a 32-year-old single mother injecting about $50 worth of heroin daily. She had begun using opioids at age 26 and had since experienced three nearly fatal overdoses. Her two children were living in foster care. Although she had graduated from college as a physical therapist, she had not worked in the field for more than five years.
Claudia had attended three different 28-day treatment programs, but her longest period of sobriety outside of treatment was only four months.
She told me she was completely committed to doing whatever it took to get off opioids. She was exhausted from the cycle of relapse and recovery and was willing to engage in treatment, therapy, Twelve Step meetings, and sober living. Most of all, she wanted her children and her life back.
Claudia had spent so much time in inpatient treatment that she could have taught many of the classes herself. What she needed now was an environment where she could apply what she had learned.
We agreed on a 24-month recovery plan:
- She would complete a medically supervised detox at a local hospital.
- She would begin Vivitrol (naltrexone) therapy to reduce cravings and help prevent relapse.
- She would move into a sober living house with other women and commit to staying for at least 12 months.
- She would complete an intensive outpatient program while living in the recovery residence.
- She would begin individual therapy.
- She would attend support groups regularly.
- She would secure employment and explore returning to work as a physical therapist.
- When appropriate, her therapist would help facilitate reunification with her children.
When I last saw Claudia, she was six years in recovery.
She had followed her plan faithfully and was doing well. She had regained custody of her children, was in a relationship with a partner who did not use drugs or alcohol, and was working steadily as a physical therapist at a local hospital.
Recovery Plan Choices
Recovery Plan Source: Complete Freedom from Opioid Addiction, by Dr. Peter Coleman, an addiction specialist for 40 years. From Chapter 24, Treatment Options for Opioid Use Disorder.
There are many treatment options for people with SUD. It can feel overwhelming trying to decide which is best. The options include:
- Take your loved one to a medical practitioner who is a specialist in addiction medicine (see below for examples)
- Addiction medicine specialists are physicians, nurse practitioners, or physician assistants who have experience in the addiction field. Many have undergone specialty training, allowing them to become certified by the American Board of Addiction Medicine. Many addiction medicine specialists are also in long-term recovery. You can do this by telehealth if you are in an area not served by these specialists.
- Take MOUDs (Medication for Opioid Use Disorder) or the medication that helps your loved one minimize cravings and increase chances of success. They have to stay alive through this process, and these medications provide support like heart medicine does for a heart patient.
- Your loved one should take part in other professional treatment, including:
- Individual therapy
- An intensive outpatient program (IOP)
- A partial hospital program (PHP)
- An inpatient treatment program (28 days)
- An extended inpatient program (two to three months)
- Work with recovery coaches (e.g., Peer Recovery Specialists)
- Remember that you cannot dictate this. However, this would be part of the plan they would work through with a recovery specialist.
- Living in a recovery house (housing for those in recovery from SUD, Substance Use Disorder)
- Attending support groups (SMART Recovery, AA, NA, and more)
Recovery Medications Help Your Loved One Find Recovery and Help Them Live
Resist the urge to make them go it alone with no medication. Those medications work.
I had no idea how much they mattered or that something called a recovery plan even existed. I regret that my son didn’t get methadone or suboxone as he was leaving rehab. (Vivitrol is another, although unlikely he would have used that one at first.) They would have offered protection, and had he used it, would have blocked the high, making it very hard for him to put him back at square one.
Medications can help ease the physical challenges of recovery, while counseling and peer support address the emotional and behavioral patterns connected to substance use. Together, these tools create a comprehensive care plan designed to support lasting recovery.
Please remember: Recovery is not only possible, it’s probable.
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
As someone who has walked alongside many families here in Kansas City through both addiction and suicide loss, I want to share a story and a few resources that may help others.
One KC family we supported lost their son to suicide after a long struggle with addiction. Only a few months later, the father died the same way. The mother and daughter were left shattered — grieving two losses, wrestling with guilt, and searching for answers about their loved ones’ final destination. What they needed most wasn’t a program or a pamphlet. They needed someone to sit with them in the questions, to reassure them that their loved ones were not defined by their worst moments, and that they were not alone. Families like theirs are why this conversation matters so much.
Here are a few resources we share often across Kansas and Missouri, especially with rural families who have fewer supports:
Rural Minds
https://www.ruralminds.org
A national rural mental health organization offering education, support, and resources for families facing addiction and suicide risk in rural communities.
The Battle Within
https://www.thebattlewithin.org
A Kansas City–based program serving Veterans, first responders, and families navigating trauma, addiction, and moral injury.
Johnson County Mental Health / Suicide Prevention Coalition
https://www.jocogov.org/department/mental-health (jocogov.org in Bing)
A long-standing partner providing family education, crisis support, and community programs.
Kansas Suicide Prevention Coalition
https://www.kansassuicideprevention.org
A statewide network offering prevention, postvention, and recovery-oriented resources.
Adam’s Story / Project HOPE
https://www.adamsstorykc.org
Our own outreach providing free resources, grief support, and community education for families affected by addiction and suicide.
Families often tell us they didn’t know what questions to ask, or that a “Recovery Plan” even existed. Your work helps close that gap, and I’m grateful for the way you continue to lead with honesty, compassion, and lived experience.
—Andy Tilton
Adam’s Story | Project HOPE
Andy thank you so much for these resources