How to talk about mental health
You are not going to fix it but you can listen. So this is list of soundbites so you know how to respond to someone who might be struggling with their mental health. This is a “what to say” article.
It might come to the point where someone needs your partnership for the next steps but the resolution comes after listening. At first, it’s all about allowing the person to feel heard and asking questions to clarify what they are saying.
This applies to most situations but doesn’t apply when someone is having a serious mental health crisis such as psychosis. For that, you would need to call crisis or emergency services if someone is in danger of hurting themselves or others.
Soundbits of what to say in a conversation about mental health with another person
Do say: Tell me what’s going on, I’m listening.
Don’t say: Feelings are a choice. So think happy thoughts.
Saying that feelings are a choice is invalidating how that person feels. We need to meet them where they are now and if that’s how they are feeling our only response should be, “Why are you feeling that way?”
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Do say: That sounds difficult. How are you coping?
Don’t say: It will get better. Just be strong. You got this!
We can’t ever promise things will get better. But we can empathize and allow the person to process their thoughts while you listen without interrupting.
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Do say: I am honored you trust me with this
Don’t say: Your feelings are a choice so perk up and see the bright side.
Trying to push someone into the light when they feeling down never works. We can’t guilt someone or cheerlead them out of their bad mood. But we can shut down the conversation with such responses.
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Do say: Let’s see what we can do to help support you
Don’t say: You know you really are lucky and I wish you could see that.
We shouldn’t tell people about a future they can’t see at the moment. They hurt now and their focus is getting out of that hurt. Saying how lucky they are just makes someone feel guilty and ashamed. And that’s not going to be helpful.
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Do say: Telling me this took courage. Thank you for your trust.
Don’t say: You really should exercise more, it did wonders for me…..
It’s important to acknowledge how hard it is for someone to share with you their most vulnerable self. It is a risk and takes a lot of guts. And that should be acknowledged. Offering flip advice minimizes a person’s pain and while it might very well be a great strategy, unsolicited advice is not what that person needs.
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Do say: How can I support you?
Don’t say: You need to pull yourself up by the bootstraps!
We want to show partnership in the process and not make the person feel like they are weaklings and send them into isolation which can be dangerous. We are human and meant to connect.
These are just a few soundbites to help you show more compassion. Connection and listening are the keys. Toxic positivity does the opposite and pushes people away.
Your Mental Health Conversation Cheat Sheet Quick Reference is Below
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
Hi Anne, I just wanted to thank you for all that you are doing in the arena of suicide prevention but also, on a personal level, reaching out to other parents who have lost their child to suicide. I lost my eldest son Dom in April 2021; he took his life after too many years of fighting the depression that kept coming back, in spite of his best efforts to live a full life (which I’m pleased to say he also did) You writing so openly about your own son and how it honestly feels to go through this helps me so much. I’m in the process of writing a book about my loss in the hope of helping other parents (as well as myself) realise that I was not a failure as a parent (and my son was far from a failure as a human being) and I also run a local support group for other parents who have lost children to suicide. I have many lovely friends and have been very open about what I need to move on after Dom’s life, taking him with me as I do. Not sure they get it really, but i know they try which I really appreciate. It is an incredibly hard journey, just wanted you to know how much your work is doing to lessen the immensity of my pain..and to say hi from the UK! BW Esther
Thank you so much Esther. What a beautiful way to honor your son, Dom. And I love this especially—> “I have been very open about what I need to move on after Dom’s life, taking him with me as I do.”
Thanks Anne. Only just spotted your reply so apologies for my delay in acknowledging it! Still finding all your posts really helpful btw…and I have recommended you to other mums too
No worries. It’s nice of you to reply! Thank you. I really appreciate your compliments. It makes it all worth it.
The Cheat Sheet is a welcome tool. Far better to just sit and listen without trying to fix a problem of which we may have an appreciation of, but not the deeper personal understanding that the person going through may be experiencing within themselves. This is why we should just listen.
There are others that stand out for me, such as – “You should be grateful for all the years that you had together.” Gratitude can come to us in time but it should never be a given when one loses someone – I just think of what I no longer have; of what I have lost. The other is “He wouldn’t want you to be unhappy,” to which I have been known to reply that no one knows the depth of unhappiness that I feel and that it really has nothing to do with what he wants for if he wanted me to be happy, then he would still be here. Of course, I know that he didn’t take his life to make me unhappy but due to the pain that he was suffering within his mind.
This is why an article like this is so very important to read and to take on. Our feelings are our feelings and they need to be felt as that is what shall ultimately help us to heal. To deny them or not allow them to come to fruition, such will keep us locked up in such a way as to not be able to move forward. But if we can just sit with the person, allow them to express their feelings (not judging these as either good or bad), allow them to cry (tears contain the chemical, manganese, that can allow healing to occur quicker than if stifled), and let the person know that we are their friend who will support them lest they fall as they stumble through this forest of grief – these all are what shall benefit them.
I think that people often say things that are more about easing their own discomfort. For some reason, we live in a fairy tale state of mind where we believe that Life is always about laughter, peace and freedom from pain. But the reality is that Life is about both freedom from pain as too being able to embrace pain. This is how I see Life – if we run from pain when it presents itself, we will miss many an opportunity for our own growth and the growth of others around us. As AnneMoss says, it takes courage for people to share with us and so we should recognize this and thank them for trusting us.
You are a good writer, Heath. And by writing I can tell you process a lot. Those pat responses are common with loss, too. A while back I wrote one of these say this not that for loss of a child. https://annemoss.com/2020/02/17/loss-of-a-child-say-this-not-that/
I’m saving the ones you have written here for a future post!
I also can’t tolerate toxic positivity. Right after Charles died so many were supportive but there were still a few who wanted to shine the turd. And that’s what my life was then. Turd. There was no applying lipstick to the turd to make it pretty. It was what it was. Sometimes I wanted to yell, “I’m so sorry for interrupting your beautiful life with my tragedy!”