Sitting with someone in their tragedy without trying to fix or make it all better is uncomfortable. Fear is usually what keeps people from being more present.
I don’t know what to say!
Just say,” I have no idea what to say, and obviously I can’t fix anything. But I want to be here. I can listen.”
So one dad told me a story about having lost a son to suicide. His best friend was there a lot. While I was standing next to him at a grief walk, the friend stood next to the bereaved father. I asked the dad about his son. When I did, his best friend promptly walked away.
The bereaved dad stopped, took a hiccup of a breath, and got emotional.
I waited patiently. He didn’t continue his story but said, “He does that all the time. When I talk about David, he just walks away. It drives me crazy.”
I said, “That would hurt my feelings, to be honest. But how do you feel about it?”
He said, “It does hurt my feelings. Most of all, it makes me mad!”
I agreed it would likely make me mad, too. And then I reminded him that the friend doesn’t know what to do.
I asked him if he might be willing to talk about this with his friend. Or maybe it would be easier to tell someone like his wife and have her talk to him. His response? “Hmmm. I’ll think about that.” While he didn’t want to talk with his wife, he did begin to name other potential adults in their circle he could tell would then share this with his friend.
Sometimes, when we are in the midst of grief, we need to confide in another person and share what we want. No one will figure it out by osmosis, and not everyone is the same.
I then told him that I thought it was fear driving his friend’s escapes. I told him the best friend was afraid he would cry or lose it, and he didn’t want to do that in front of another man. Wouldn’t that look weak? Or unsupportive?
He probably also feared he wouldn’t say the right thing
Or he was simply distressed that he couldn’t fix any of it, and it was easier to remove himself from the orbit of the conversation.
Another friend described how everyone acted after his father died from a drug overdose in 1973. It was less common, and no one, I mean no one, came by to pay respects. It was like the family was ostracized. Even the minister made an awkward perfunctory visit and couldn’t wait to get out of there.
My friend said that his family had been waiting for the minister, for words of faith, as it was one of the few visitors they got. But his jackrabbit visit and exit left them all more bereft than ever.
We all have stories of no one calling for months, or someone in our address book whom we never hear from again. Do you want to be that friend or loved one?
Sitting with someone in their tragedy
It is going to feel awkward and uncomfortable. At least at first.
You might tell yourself.
- They don’t need me
- I might say the wrong thing
- I’ll just remind them of the tragedy
- I might get emotional, and that would be awful.
- I have no idea what I can do to help
- It will feel awkward, and I hate feeling that way
So I’ll address each of these.
- They don’t need me– Oh yes, they do. More than ever. Maybe you make popcorn and watch rom-coms or sports and just sit, or maybe they talk about it some, and you just listen actively.
- I might say the wrong thing- You might. So admit your fear and then ask your friend to tell you when you make insensitive comments because you’ve never been through this, so you can’t always know what is”the wrong thing and since you are an emotional toad frog, it’s quite likely you’ll say something stupid.” Say you want to know and are willing to learn. And you want to be the best support you can be, even if it means making mistakes.
- I’ll just remind them of the tragedy- Trust me, they are up to their ears thinking about their tragedy every minute of every day, and if you are present, then there is some distraction. Nonstop aloneness is not good for anyone. Connection deepens relationships. I have never forgotten who was there for me. So you won’t remind anyone of what is constantly on their mind.
- I might get emotional, and that would be awful– Why? It shows you care for someone. It shows you are human and not some AI robot.
- I have no idea what I can do to help– Think of practical, intentional ways to help. They have to eat and do normal things. They may have a pet that needs care, they still have to go to the grocery store, and haul kids somewhere. Can you mow a lawn? Cook a meal? Walk together? Pray together? Watch a ball game or a rom-com? So when you make a suggestion, be intentional. “Your lawn needs a haircut. I cannot fix anything in your life but I can cut grass. And I would love to cut yours at 11 am on Saturday. Is that good?”
- It will feel awkward– It probably will. But those few seconds or minutes won’t last forever. Work through it. Confess that you are and feel awkward. It always helps to be out with it. But don’t avoid someone in their hour of greatest need because you are afraid of weathering a few seconds or minutes of discomfort.
There is but one way to learn
That is to do it. Your presence counts.
You acknowledge your fear, sit with it. Take a deep breath, call or text, and ask if it’s a good time. Or offer a plan. Take something by. Write a card with something about the person they lost if it was a death. (We love stories most of all!)
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
Again, you amaze me. Such wisdom pours through and I really get what you are saying. To tackle the issue of people who are struggling from losing connection with others, I explored this in a 5 page article titled ‘Dealing With People. ‘ This was simply an attempt to help people grieving to gain a little understanding as to why people may come across as they do. For example:
– Some people pull away, I think, because of their own pain, which they are reminded of when in our company. They need to grieve their own loss,
– Some people pull away after a time because of their own emotional investment with the person who died, now slowly depleting and,
– Other people have left as they were his friends, having no real connection to me or the things that I am into.
This helped me put things into perspective for I felt like people were withdrawing as they blamed me for my partner’s death (which was true of some people, but not most people).
It can be extremely challenging to put aside our own feelings in an effort to appreciate the difficulties that another person may be experiencing (emotionally and cognitively). And more so if there is a negative relationship with the other person, beginning to develop. But hopefully we can acknowledge that this other person is responding to grief with their own unique outlooks. As your article suggests, open discussion is one way to navigate the difficulties when supporting other people’s loss and it will hopefully keep our connections to family and friends in check, as we appreciate these varied reactions to our own grief.
For those who are estranged from the person who died, it can be even more difficult as others may wonder at the person’s grief or simply fail to see that it even exists.
Such a valuable comment. Thank you heath.