For Parents, Educators, Friends.

Most teens and young adults think “being strong” means denying or pushing away one’s feelings of grief.

So often, particularly with suicide, everyone is so stunned no one dares to break the silence. People have all kinds of preconceived notions about suicide, most of which are complete myths. Silence is toxic and unhealthy and can often lead to contagion. That’s why it’s important to welcome a conversation about the person and the death.

Unresolved loss is an underlying reason for a lot of substance misuse/addiction, self-harm as well as a contributing factor for suicide and suicide attempts.

We think of children as resilient but that doesn’t mean they “get over loss.” No one does. We simply learn to integrate it into our lives. If you care about or love someone, it hurts to lose them. And while you can’t avoid the pain, the person can lessen suffering.

Avoidance simply means a person stays in that ugly raw place longer

It’s important that people feel their feelings and I wouldn’t suggest telling a teen but modeling it. Processing the loss involves feeling the pain and the intense part lasts 60-90 seconds. When it lifts, then the person can distract themselves. Sometimes teens are open to the technique. Only you can judge if they are or not.

Starting the Conversation

I often tell parents, teachers, or school counselors to start by asking the child,

“What was your favorite memory about _____?” “Tell me what made __________ a good friend?”

That lets them know you are open to talking about the person. Listening is a highly underrated skill but it’s the core of connection.

So lead with your ears.

They are going to suffer with coulda woulda shouldas

It’s part of the process of suicide loss and it’s intense. You can say it isn’t their fault but they’ll struggle with this for a while and it’s hard to watch.

Your best bet is to hit the pause button and listen. Encourage that by asking questions like, “Tell me more.” Or “Why do you think it’s your fault?”

Don’t give them an answer. Just say, “I can see you are really struggling with this. Your _______ (friend, sister etc.) must have meant a lot to you.”

Engage in an Activity While You Talk About Sensitive Subjects

If you talk to your teen about a loss, I would recommend having that conversation while engaging in an activity. My older son will talk nonstop if we go on a walk. Which is a miracle given he is a strong introvert.

What do I do? Shut up. I don’t give advice, criticize, make a suggestion, coach. At all. I just listen. And occasionally I will ask a question. He doesn’t want my unsolicited advice. He’ll figure it out on his own but I can be an empathetic listener and let him unload. If I ask questions, maybe he’ll think on it and come up with his own answer. That is what is he more likely to follow. And guess what he tells me everything now. I don’t have to encourage him at all.

Other activities: doing a puzzle, shooting baskets, canoeing, coloring, or making a cake. An activity gives the teenager or young adult other things to look at other than your face which can make them uncomfortable enough not to share. It just increases the odds they’ll open up if you are doing an activity. And that’s the goal right?

So how can you help?

First of all, you can’t fix this for them. You can’t wipe away the hurt and pain but that doesn’t mean you can’t do anything.

You can

1. Break the silence
2. Listen with empathy
3. Ask questions
4. Go with them to a support group (Or go on your own if they won’t.)
5. Create an opportunity for connection. Get all the friends together at your house. Provide the food and the space. Let them do the reminiscing. The danger is that this age doesn’t always have the best coping skills for something so monumental. Listening and offering opportunities for connection help young people process the loss. 

The following are some resources to help

• A PDF Guide from Dougy Center- Support your Grieving Friend (this is for young people)
• Video Series: TALKING OUT LOUD VIDEOS for Teens who’ve lost a loved one to suicide
• Video Series: YouTube Videos for teens who’ve lost a loved one to suicide (from RethinkTheConversation.org)
• Support Group: Teen Suicide Loss Support Groups– These are rare and hard to find.
• Website: Dougy Center– Great Resource
• PDF: Grief Resources PDF

This 14-page guide will help bereavement providers and friends know what to say. 

• What to say, how to help someone struggling with a suicide loss.
• How to spot the bereaved at risk for suicide, what to say and do.
• Understand what a loss by suicide feels like. (Landing page in case button doesn’t work)

Get the free eBook

AnneMoss Rogers

AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives.  She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.