Image Source: Charles Rogers’ TimeBoy1408 YouTube Channel, 2010
While we were going through my son’s mental health issues, followed by his substance misuse and eventual addiction, I wanted to hide under a rock, hit the fast-forward button on life, and then re-emerge when all that nonsense was resolved and over.
In 2015, it was all over but not the way I had ever imagined or hoped.
Once my son killed himself, I wanted the opposite
I wanted a rewind button so I could do it all again and do it better. Because I would know what was going on, I would see his pain and make all the right decisions, or at least what I thought were right. But who really knows if any of them would have helped? My superhero-focused self thought I could rescue my son and save him.
My wish to hit the rewind button wasn’t just to go back in time and make different decisions to save my son, it was also so I could avoid this unknown journey called grief.
What would my life look like? What would my future be like? Would I ever find joy or laughter again? Everything looked bleak and I didn’t want to do grief even though I had no choice. The fear of what it would be like swallowed me like a giant wave.
I didn’t want to go through all that ugly pain, face every day knowing that my son wasn’t in it and the rest of the world would have the audacity to move forward as if nothing had happened.
How could we do everything humanly possible and available and still have it blow up in our faces like an atomic bomb?
A few months into grief, I wanted a fast-forward button again
It helped me to imagine living a normal life in the future. Not that I knew what that would look like. But it did offer a reprieve, a break from unrelenting grief.
The truth is we just have to face our adverse circumstances and do the best we can. I did that but I couldn’t help wanting to hide, avoid, or run away. The worry when he was alive was unbearable and the pain after he died was insurmountable. All I could do was limp forward blindly hoping I’d find a flashlight that would take me through that dark tunnel.
Avoidance or numbing wouldn’t have helped but would have delayed healing and left me stuck.
I wish my beautiful boy had not met such an ugly ending. But I can’t repaint the picture or rewrite the ending. In my book, however, I do end it beautifully. Because Charles deserves that. And so do I.
The only button I push now is the “be here right now” button. I have learned to savor moments of joy no matter how small. Today, I’m just glad I had him in my life as long as I did.
AnneMoss is one of the top Mental Health Speakers and Trainers. Her focus is:
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
Thanks again for an inspiring message. I think we would all like to have access to a rewind button but sadly, not so. And I wish this more than anything else for my partner so that he didn’t develop a mental illness. When I look at his photo, of which there is one capturing his beautiful smile as he finally found contentment when we both met, it breaks me up like you wouldn’t believe. I always feel sad that he eventually broke as his illness took hold.
I am very sad today as he died this day three years ago. He didn’t die by suicide (though that was the means) but rather due to an illness of the mind.
He died from depression. That’s an appropriate way to see it. As always thank you for commenting.
Adam’s Story, and our family identify and support all survivors, especially this time of year. Yes AnneMoss we understand completely your emotions and thank you for continually sharing them with all of us on this journey. Please know our thoughts and prayers are for anyone suffering and missing that special loved one and we will not stop sharing their stories as long as it takes to educate a broken world in Mental Wellness, Addiction and Suicide Prevention. Adam’s Story
You have put your grief into action either so many boots-on-the-ground initiatives Andy. That is much appreciated. Thank you for your kind words.
I’m giving thanks for you, AnneMoss Rogers and all the work you do to help others! Hopefully our beautiful boys are together making music, doing what makes them happy. I’ll miss my son every minute of every day, AND I’m living and healing. Sending you and other moms love!
What an inspiring comment, Julianna. Thank you. Much love to you and I do think our boys are making music together.
Crying as I read for you, for me, for our boys, and for everyone who is going through this as a ‘just got to this place’ or ‘having traveled the path for a time’. Your final sentence or thought is the place we find ourselves in the healing process and one of hope going forward. Thank you so much for today’s words.
I really appreciate the comment, Cecelia. I love hearing from others. Thank you for allowing me to feel less alone.
Sister, I am praying for you. This is my first Holidays without Michael an it’s so hard but, I find such comfort knowing he’s at peace an well now. I’m leaning on Jesus an keeping in my mind an on my thoughts the beautiful memories he left me. I know each day brings me closer to being with him again. May God Bless You an may Jesus hold you tightly in His Loving Arms. Thanks for sharing with us all the grief you also feel such as we do. Your words give such comfort. Thanks an God Bless!!
Patricia- All the firsts are hard but you have the right attitude and clearly you have embraced your faith to help guide you. Thank you for commenting.