Before I gave a presentation to a global workplace, an employee submitted a story about losing a co-worker to suicide. Suicide can be prevented, but certainly not always. Because we cannot control another human.
We can’t save someone’s life from suicide.
All we can do is help someone else SAVE THEIR OWN LIFE.
What about when someone who was doing poorly is suddenly happy?
The story from a co-worker…..
“About 7 years ago, I was managing a team of 25. Among them was a very athletic, high-performing team member who was a triathlete. He was well-liked but experienced significant emotional ups and downs — at times reacting very strongly to what others might have seen as small issues. He was known to be at risk for suicide and had expressed suicidal thoughts several times. HR and I had multiple conversations with him over the years to support him. After his last hospitalization, he returned looking and acting like a completely new person — calm, hopeful, and ready for a fresh start.
Before his return, HR and I met with him to discuss how to reintegrate him gently, removing as much stress as possible from his role. We told him we were happy to have him back and wanted him to feel supported. He left that meeting smiling and optimistic, and I truly believed he was on a better path.
One week later, he died by suicide.
When I spoke with his family after the funeral, they shared they had long feared this outcome and that it wasn’t tied to any single cause — not work or home life alone. The thought that still lingers with me is this: when I last saw him, he seemed better than ever — peaceful and happy.
I’ve often wondered, did I miss something? Or could it be that he seemed at peace because he had already made his decision and felt relief in that? Thank you for taking the time to read this. I share it in the hope of better understanding and helping others in the future.”
In that last paragraph, this co-worker discovered something. Sometimes people are suddenly happy because they have made a date to end their life, and they are elated because doing so offers relief from thoughts they never wanted in the first place.
This is one of the most difficult and baffling signs. I’ve had LCSWs who are very well trained in suicide miss this sign and torture themselves for it.
Any sudden change in mood, even from sad to suddenly happy, is suspect. Because working one’s way out of depression is slow, not sudden.
It feels so good to see someone thriving, so easy to miss.
To make this even more challenging, some who have chronic suicidality use “setting a date” as a survival technique. I know one suicide attempt survivor who regularly sets death dates but then makes an excuse each time the date arrives, puts it off, and sets a new date. She has used this strategy to stay alive for decades.
All you can do is listen and try to help someone save their own life. Most of the time, that works. Sometimes it does not.
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
This is one of the most important articles that I have read of late. Most articles touch on the usual down-in-the-dumps signs whilst overlooking how elation can be just as significant. As you say, depression recovery is slow.
I get that bit about how the date being set can be a forerunner to suicide as the feelings of being a burden, of hopelessness, of wanting to end the bad thoughts that plague us, these can lift as a decision (not a Choice in my humble opinion) has been reached (not individually made, again my own opinion). It can be so labor-intensive trying to live with the thoughts that suicidal ideation can visit upon us. Having been there, I get just how these thoughts can often be dark and isolating.
As to people setting dates and then not taking their lives, this is one of the reasons why I feel the general population views suicide as an attention-seeking affair. Indeed, I have read how sometimes thinking about our own death and how we will end our lives can also keep some people alive as the very date in their head is the lighthouse that leads them to the shores of safety. Of course, I find that a lot of people that I speak to think this is just an excuse and justification for bad behaviour.
Thank you, so, so much, AnneMoss, for sharing this article and the letter about that unfortunate man.
We need to hear this things; read these things, if we are to understand, in a truly appreciative and empathic way, the numerous sides to suicide and the numerous antecendents that this complex issue gives rise to.
Such an important commment from a suicide loss survivor and one who has had these thoughts. After listening to so many people over the years, reading studies and listening to stories on the road, I have a much better idea of suicide. And often I can show a series of anonymous commments from those struggling and the audience starts to get it. Their thinking shifts from “they are attention seeking” to “This person needs my support. They didn’t ask for this and they feel alone and afraid.”
Very important quote I pulled from your comment:
As a school counselor and part of our community postvention team, this is one of “signs” that I highlight as we educate others – and it is often overlooked in the trainings I have attended. I remember a student who was diagnosed with depression and had suicidal ideation persistently. One day, he seemed joyful – happy – and it was so out of his day to day mood, that we checked in with him, called his mom and indeed he had set a date. P.S. – his is doing GREAT now. Thanks you for addressing this!
Holy Toledo Batman you caught it. And I am not surprised because the school counselors have more experience with youth suicide than anyone.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. These comments get read and this one is overlooked. The “talking about death a lot” and frequent flyers to the nurses office is too. But this one is a more urgent sign as it does indicate a date has been set.
Thank you for all you do!
I find your consistent post comforting. Although I get these messages in my work email, this is exactly where I find myself needing to read them. My employer afforded staff the opportunity to one of your workshops here in Roxboro, NC and I am so glad that I attended. So much so that I felt it would have been beneficial to make it mandatory since there are so many people dealing with mental health issues on a regular basis that it’s just chocked up to, “Well, this is just my life.” Throughout my personal struggles, I believe therapy and\or some kind of sounding board can be helpful by releasing some of the “stink’n think’n.”
Again, thank you for your posts. I believe it’s vital and helping more souls than you could have imagined. Wishing you abundant blessings and wellness.
Thank you so much. I remember that trip. And I am with you on this —> “I believe therapy and\or some kind of sounding board can be helpful by releasing some of the “stink’n think’n.” It is helpful to have ERGs (employee resource groups) around mental health and wellness.
And I have noticed more gov agencies and businesses doing a series of mental health events. Usually I am doing them virtually but this more regular approach is very effective. Thanks for bringing it up. And for commenting.
I experienced this with my son, Scott. The last couple of weeks of his life he seemed to be doing much better. ❤️💔
Such a tough sign.