A mom posted on a Facebook board last year that she marched into the school to demand they do something about her child being bullied. She bragged about how she yelled and screamed in defense of her child and that she was going to hold them accountable for this egregious bullying.

Bullying has existed since there have been parents and kids

Yes, it has evolved to a more nonstop and viral status online that can be devastating to vulnerable tweens and teens, but hazing and bullying stories from 30 years ago would make your blood shudder.

My father-in-law was locked in a locker by two kids, and they tossed in a chicken that had been recently beheaded. If you don’t know, chickens often can run around after being decapitated because the part of their brain that controls basic movement, sometimes remains intact, and the reflexive action can trigger muscles to contract, causing movement like running or flapping, even without a brain.

So imagine the terror of being 9 years old, locked in a hot, skinny locker, with a beheaded chicken going wild, being scratched and bloodied in the process. (My father-in-law wouldn’t eat chicken for decades after that.)

Bullying sucks, and it’s cruel, but it’s also a teaching opportunity.

Because there are adult bullies, too, now is the time for a kid to learn some strategies, propose ideas, and try things. I’m not saying this is always the case, as sometimes a child does need to be moved for physical or emotional safety.

But why wasn’t this 15-year-old child part of the process, encouraged or coached to speak up for himself?

Those “knight in shining armor” moves fragilize a child

And embarrasses a kid. Her response was a grandiose and histrionic move that put her at the center of attention and didn’t help her child.

Was anyone asking the kid about his ideas, or encouraging him to extract himself from the social platforms where they lurked after hours? I doubt it.

Were these parents able to control the bullying when it was online under their roof, or on the phone they bought their child? Had they established digital boundaries before handing over a phone? Probably not. How is that exclusively a school issue to resolve?

Ask the child to think about strategies

I was bullied for many years, and both my sons had incidents in which they were bullied. I did not step in, and yes, it made me upset, but instead, I asked them what could be done. And guess what? They had ideas, they tried them out, and those ideas worked.

My youngest, Charles, was bullied as a first grader by a 5th grader

The kid was huge. So first, I asked Charles what he thought might be going on with the kid. I told him bullies usually had issues of their own and didn’t feel good about themselves, and that’s why they were picking on others.

As a 6-year-old on the bus, my little boy told me he thought one of the bully’s parents had a serious illness. So his idea was to look straight up in this kid’s face and ask, “What’s your favorite ice cream or candy?” According to Charles, the bully froze because this was not the reaction he was prepared for. Then later, as he was getting off the bus, Charles stopped and discreetly said, “I’m sorry your mom is sick. My mom had a brain tumor.”

The kid never bothered him again. But he would give him a thoughtful head nod in the hallway for the rest of the year. Charles was rarely bullied after that, since he was so popular, although there were plenty of teen drama situations played out online over the years.

Richard’s reaction to a bully was totally different

When a kid at school tried to bully him as he was reading a book, Richard just looked up and didn’t react at all. He just sat there looking at the kid, nonplussed as the bully ranted and then my oldest child asked, “Are you finished?” The kid said, “Maybe.” And Richard went back to reading his book. He had to feel fear, but he didn’t show it, and as an introvert, it was always harder to read my older son’s emotions.

This kid wanted to see fear, and he wanted someone who would react, and he realized Richard was not a victim who was going to satisfy that need. My older son had just decided not to engage.

Years later, when Richard was an umpire, and a dad came up to his face screaming, yelling, and threatening because of a call with which he didn’t agree in peewee baseball, Richard reacted similarly as I watched, having all but nailed myself to my chair to let him handle it. (Boy, I wanted to spring into action.)

I watched this guy get on his tiptoes and get inches from his face. My six-foot-four son stared nonplussed and patiently let the guy run out of steam with zero reaction. Then he asked the guy, “Are you done?” The irate dad said, “I will report you.”

Then Richard picked up the clipboard and signed it, meaning the game was done, and he confidently walked off. He learned that behavior from having used that strategy successfully before. Had an adult stepped in earlier or even on that day, he wouldn’t have learned what worked and would have missed that opportunity to learn and build confidence that he could handle it. And handle it he did. I was so shocked and proud of him. When I talked to him about it later scoffed, “Mom, it’s peewee baseball! That dad just embarrassed himself.”

Back to the mom who yelled at school staff over bullying

Would it have been a better teaching moment had the mom involved the child and asked what he wanted? Would it have been productive for the child to talk with his parents about different things he might try? And if there is a school meeting, shouldn’t the child also be involved?

It turns out the child was very embarrassed and felt like a loser because Mom marched into the school like a firebrand.

Here’s why it’s important to allow kids to resolve their problems

They need to figure out their own strategies and handle events that happen to them without an adult. Why? Because they learn something.

We as parents don’t need to step in and resolve all of a child’s conflicts because it robs them of the ability to develop their own strategies and build resilience. It helps foster independence and gives them confidence, too, and that’s important to their mental health and well-being.

Snowplow parenting, or clearing the way and removing obstacles for your child, is not helpful and leaves your kid without the skills they need later to thrive. The caterpillar and cocoon life story is a great example of why.

What to Do If Your Child Is Being Bullied

1. Involve your child from the start.
Ask what’s happening and what they think might help. Their voice comes first.

2. Coach or be a sounding board—don’t take over.
Solve it with them, not for them. Jumping in too fast can unintentionally take away their confidence. Even if they have a bad idea, let them try it.

3. Talk through why kids bully.
Not to excuse it, just to help your child understand the behavior isn’t about their worth. Engaging their empathy that something gravely wrong might be happening in this child’s life is important to shift the reasons for the bullying from there being something wrong with them to something happening to another.

4. Practice responses together.
Try out neutral statements, calm one-liners, or simply walking away. Rehearsal builds courage.

5. Teach when not to engage.
Bullies feed on reaction. A blank stare or quiet “Are you done?” can take the wind out of their sails.

6. Set and enforce firm digital rules.
You own the phone. You pay for the service. You set the boundaries. Avoid giving your child a phone before age 12, and make sure there are clear rules around apps, privacy, nighttime access, and screen-free zones. It also doesn’t hurt to talk about how algorithms work and how they are designed to zero in on young people when they are at their lowest and keep people on the platform as long as possible, as they make more money that way.

7. Review their online footprint together.
Look at group chats, apps, and follows. Talk openly about what’s healthy, what’s harmful, and when it’s time to exit a digital space. If bullying is happening online, help them step away rather than staying in the fire.

8. Identify safe adults at school and other adults in their orbit.
Help your child know who they can go to—a teacher, counselor, or coach—if things escalate.

9. Step in only when safety is at risk.
If there’s danger of harm, intervene and partner with the school. But keep your child included in every meeting and decision. An adversarial and accusatory relationship with the school will not help your child. And isn’t the point to help your child and make the school your ally?

10. Debrief after each attempt.
Ask: What worked? What didn’t? What might you try next? Every attempt is a learning experience. Listen! Don’t give advice but instead ask questions. You are planting seeds and helping them learn by coming up with their own ideas.

11. Reinforce resilience.
Celebrate small wins. Every time they advocate for themselves—even a little—they build confidence for the next challenge. That doesn’t mean going overboard into toxic positivity or being a cheerleader. Just a simple, “It sounds like you handled that situation well.”

12. End a conversation with, “I know you have the skills to figure this out.”

That says that you trust they can do this. And even if they fail, it’s an opportunity to learn and try something else.

9 Ways to Help Your Kids Build Resilience

• Change your relationship with your child
• Teach coping strategies to your kids
• Help them find confidence through problem-solving

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AnneMoss Rogers

AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives.  She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.