It’s so embarrassing to be such a mess over what amounts to nothing. And when I start to examine why I am so close to anger and tears lately it hits me–Birthday month. Charles’s birthday month. It’s April 26, 1995.
Tears threaten just beneath the surface ready to stream down my face at the slightest altercation, issue, or mishap. My frustration is so quickly triggered.
I remind myself there are worse things than not being able to find the right tool to open the top of the lawn mower. (Why the star shaped screws and not normal Phillips head ones?) My house has not been wiped out by a tornado. I have food and water. And no one is blowing up my city.
So I sit with it and let the tears come
I stop giving myself a hard time, I acknowledge the sadness, stop avoiding it, and let it in.
Relief comes after a good cry.
The only difference now is that I am less likely to reach out. I am more embarrassed that I feel so vulnerable, naked, angry, displaced, and miserable right now nine years after my son’s death by suicide.
This isn’t an everyday event like it was in the beginning. But back when it was people understood and I didn’t try to hide it. I didn’t care when it was raw. Now I battle with being too stubborn to follow my own advice and reach out.
I remind myself of that so I do talk to a friend who listens thoughtfully.
I don’t go into the part about feeling embarrassed, needy, and detached. I don’t want to be needy. I despise feeling needy. I also feel greedy taking up too much of the conversation.
It’s that old feeling that maybe no one would want to be around me if I talk to much about this terrible episode of my life. That fear of being left friendless due to what happened springs from the 6 months when everyone seemed to disappear and I wondered where everyone was, where the invitations went, and why no one was calling me. That fear of abandonment is so sharp still, that my breath catches before my lungs remember what to do again.
At times I need other humans to hear me
Which is perfectly normal.
After I followed my own advice and talked with a friend, I gave myself a warm bath after a hard workout as my self-care while listening to my audiobook because it’s the only format lately available from the library. I have to drive a lot these next two months anyway and the audiobooks have made long drives tolerable. It helps to get lost in a story that’s not my own sometimes.
Last month, I reached out to a friend who lost his daughter to cancer at age 7. He rarely talks about it but I know that even 20 years later, he goes underwater emotionally the whole month of March. He told me he has little reminders of his girl in drawers all around the house. That made me smile.
Charles’s birthday is still weeks away but that feeling of low energy is present to remind me that I will always walk with grief in my life. Sometimes it will be front and center. Other times it will be background noise. It’s just sitting in my lap right now. I think I’ll just cuddle with it.
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
Wonderful conversations.
Thank you Ann
AnneMoss, for the Tilton’s Adam’s Birthday is June 13th 1973, our memorial date is April 23rd, 1993. He has spent the past 31 years in Heaven, while we Waite here for that glorious reunion in the clouds. Our hearts go out to all those like us who are left behind and who cherish the memories. You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.
Andy Tilton, Director, Speaker,
Adam’s Story, Community Outreach,
Distribution Mental Health and Wellness Resources
Our dates are flipflopped. Charles’s birthday is in April and the memorial anniversary is in June. Bless you Andy in memory of your Adam.
My heart goes out to you, AnneMoss.💔 Today marks four months in my own journey through agony and grief from losing my Sammy to suicide. Your posts—and especially your book ‘Coping Strategies for Grief & Loss’—have been a source of comfort to me. I’m in England, where my GP hasn’t been very supportive. It feels not only like I’ve been left behind, but also left alone by the system. May God grant you extra strength this month.” 🙏💔
The beginning is so hard. You have survived the first few months.
I am so sorry you lost Sammy this way. And I’m also sorry (and mad) that your GP has not been more supportive. Do you all have grief support groups in the UK?
By the way, Heath, who frequently comments here, lost his partner to suicide, and he is in the UK. I’ll send him a note to comment here so you see it.
Dear Hris, firstly, l am very sorry for your loss. Can l please encourage you you to reach out to Papyrus UK via their website at http://www.papyrus-uk.org
And Compassionate Friends at
tcf.org.uk
These sites will offer you a good starting point for the Support that you need
Thank you for sharing your story. Today, June 5th, would be my oldest brother’s 64th birthday. I lost him to suicide when I was 12 and he was 23. I cherish the memories of him. I miss him and wonder what might have been. 40 years later I still have a cry for him. Keep taking care of yourself. Keep talking and sharing. Keep doing what you’re doing, it is a great way to honor him.
Thank you eric. You are proof it “never goes away” because that would be like erasing them and their memory. I love how you stated that he was still an important part of your life and you think of him even now.
Hold yourself gently AnneMoss Rogers. Friendship with yourself is an important quality… to be present with yourself for all that you have experienced and not to abandon or look down on yourself. Be you and that is ok. Signed Everyone
Thank you. I am in the process of reaching out today to make plans for the birthday. Bracing myself for rejections which are not personal just that others have plans. I should have done this weeks earlier!
Anne Moss I was just thinking about you, since our sons share the same birthday– and it’s coming next week. Can’t say anything that will ease your grief. All I can say that it makes me sad to think about what happened to Chares– and to you, Randy, and Richard. Praying for you as you try to cope with one more birthday. I know that Charles would have been 30 years old next year. . .
I will be speaking that day which I don’t ordinarily do. I have no idea how emotional it will be. Thank you Kathy. And I hope Duncan is well. Such a sweetheart.
Thank you, once again for putting into words what we all experience, over and over again in the years following the loss of our children to suicide. We can never ‘second guess’ which birthday, which death anniversary, or the simplest of memories will trigger the most difficult of days. Some things are just seared into our souls I have decided. Having experienced such a day recently myself, I could relate completely to your words. We do ‘hear’ and ‘understand’ one another, and that is comforting. The grief is really just a huge tug on the cords of love we have with our children. I do believe that it is this grief that in the end will heal us – as best we can be healed. Strength for the Journey. . . .
Thank you for saying what you have Cecelia. It helps to know I’m not nuts.
Well said Anne…especially the part about not wanting to reach out as much because it’s been 9 years. At 8.5 years, I want you to know that I “hear” you. That feeling of embarrassment about needing a compassionate listener YEARS later can be ever so loud and sometimes causes me to draw within in fear of people thinking, “It’s been so long, why is she still grieving?”
Thank you! Sometimes I just feel so embarrassed and it takes more effort to reach out.
Every milestone; birthday, holidays, siblings becoming parents, raising my Son’s son, it’s always there. Some days it’s tears of sorrow; some days memories bring tears of joy. I am all over the place, but grief is constant.
It’s always there in the undercurrent. I can enjoy life again. But it’s not like the grief disappeared.
Everything that has been shared is so relatable. People think we should be over it (at least in the third year). But everyone here knows this just isn’t the case. And the anniversary dates are always the most difficult as they remind us of our loss, of our love one and of lost dreams and opportunities.
Recently a mother said in our Support Group that someone at her work voiced the view that MD didn’t count as she was no longer a mother (she was in tears as she was telling this to us). We all quickly and lovingly reached out to acknowledge that she would always be a mother.
How incredibly insensitive and stupid. Do I stop being a son now that my father and mother are gone? Or a grandson or nephew
I hope that you can still talk about your son in whatever way that you feel comfortable with and that folks around you value your words. And I extend this sentiment to all who have lost a love one to suicide or who are struggling with a death that impacts on their life.
Sometimes I too feel like I am hugging others time but I need to share about my partner as I refuse to allow people to forget him. And when people do not listen, I point out to them that they are just killing him again and again and again.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to say something like that! Holy cow that’s cruel. Once a parent or partner, sibling or a cousin, always one whether the person is still on earth or not. Thank you as always, Heath.
Oh my. One of those days. Feeling like everyone is looking at you for still being sad on those bad days and feeling sorry for you. That’s what I go through. It’s so understandable. When i feel like I’mbeing needy, I remind myself that I am allowed. That’s what grief is all about.
Exactly. Like why aren’t you over this yet? I love what you’ve said here and I’m taking it to heart.
AnneMoss,
I can relate to what you have shared. It’s been 9 years since you and I first met over the loss of our sons. From outward appearances, you are everywhere, helping everyone along your journey. We have to remember to check on the strong ones leading so many. They need support too. Holding you and Charles in my ❤️.
That’s what I do have to remember. I did. But it took hours before I realized….”Hey, I need support too!” Thank you Janet.
I’m glad (not the right word-I’m not glad anyone else is going through this) to know these feelings are normal even 12 years later. Where would Jon be, married, how many grandkids would I have? I have come to expect them birthday month and angelversary month but the random nights and days just hit so hard. I don’t speak often about my feeling because I also think folks are tired of hearing about it – “I should be over it” or “used to it”. But I will never be over it.
You described exactly moments I have had too. Not all of them are tied to an event. They are just longer when closer to a birthday or angelversary. Thank you for commenting
I get it. Birthday month. Every year, even after losing your son, Charles, nine years ago. I’m like that in June, Jason’s birthday month. Going on five years. This is what we carry as Moms. Always. Then comes Mothers Day in May. That’s another painful day. People don’t know what to say. Some wish me a happy MD, to which I don’t respond. Even some of my sisters in law. REALLY??!! I’ll be thinking of you and Charles on the day of his birthday, April 26. Deep breaths along your journey, Anne. I’m right there with you!!
Oh Mother’s Day. That’s the one I forgot about that first year. It was the worst that first year. Then there are people who have no idea but say it. We still are mothers. It’s just a day of so many emotions.
I’m so sorry.
Remember when the DSM came out with something about grief? If a person’s s not through it in two weeks, it’s time for drug treatment? Epitome of ridiculous. (I hope they took that section out in the next edition.) Of course you’re still grieving! 💔
It’s like two years. Supposedly you have “complicated grief” if you have grief symptoms. Crazy! I mean they are for adding that to the DSM. I have actually read it, too.
This is exactly what I needed to read today. I have twins. My son died by suicide 2.5 yrs ago. April is the birthday month. He would have been 21 this month. My mom just passed away this week and all the emotions of both losses are getting all tangled together. My grief is not just about my mom passing but about what is my identity now? I am blessed that my daughter and I are so close and have great conversations.
I totally get this, “but about what is my identity now?” That is my subject next week. Thank you for your comment