The phone call was so dark
My friend Deloris called me, worried about a phone call she had with her son. He talked about feeling worthless. Expressing worthlessness or the phrase “I am a burden,” are often synonymous with suicidal thinking. Not always, but those words, worthless and burden, are red flags. He had lost a job and was struggling to find a new one.
He talked for nearly an hour, and she was shocked by how much he shared.
She mostly listened, speaking only to empathize, ask for clarification, or offer small verbal cues to show she was present and listening. However, by the end of their conversation, she could tell he felt lighter, simply from being heard without judgment or advice.
On the other hand, she felt helpless, like she should have done more.
Her son had started in deep despair, and as soon as the phone call ended, she called me, wondering if he might be suicidal. It is possible he could have been in crisis given the warning signs. Add the transition, in this case being out of a job would add to that risk. Relationship disruption such as a romantic breakup might have been another but that wasn’t the case.
As parents, we often believe we need to fix things, underestimating the power of simply listening and allowing another person to feel heard.
But being heard is powerful. It takes all that swirling, overwhelming mumbo jumbo in one’s head and allows it to pour out, making a person’s head feel less heavy and crowded by sharing the burden.
The one-minute video below gives more insight into that process using a balloon.
Talking to another person about struggles provides relief
That Deloris’ son trusted and confided in her was a good sign.
Not that it means he wasn’t in crisis. Because I don’t want to imply that those who say, “I feel so worthless,” or even the more direct, “I want to kill myself,” are less serious about ending their lives because they say it outright. They would be at risk.
There is value, however, in the fact that he trusted her enough to be so vulnerable and talk about how he was feeling.
Connection is a powerful protective factor. And protective factors are conditions or attributes that help people cope more effectively with stressful events and lower the risk of suicide. After she and I reflected on the conversation together we talked about how he opened up and trusted her and unburdened himself. She started to feel better, too. It is a good sign although never definitive.
She did need to know how to ask the difficult question
When we get that gut feeling that something isn’t right, we need to heed that feeling, push past the “everything will be OK” voice that tries to steer us away from doing things we don’t want to do but need to. Acknowledge the fear, then step over it and ask what needs to be asked.
We discussed how she should, at some point, ask…
“I hear you say that you feel useless. Sometimes those who say that phrase often feel suicidal. Are you thinking of suicide?”
It doesn’t plant the idea in their head but instead normalizes that conversation.
He might say no. He might say yes.
But either way, you have said the difficult word out loud (suicide), telling the other person you are willing to hear it and have that conversation. This increases the chances that if he does reach a crisis point in his life, he will confide in her. So it opens the door for future difficult conversations but one you’d certainly prefer to have with someone before a suicide attempt.
What about the ones who respond, “I’m fine.”
While most who die by suicide leave some kind of clue as to their intentions, some do or say nothing. Some might hesitate a beat too long before their “I’m fine” response to the question, “How are you?”
You would then need to take a deep breath and ask again– that question you didn’t want to ask in the first place–likely because you fear the answer. And that’s OK. Acknowledge that fear. It’s natural, but don’t let it stop you. Besides, you’d rather have someone mad at you than dead right?
Do not panic. Because that is their greatest fear. Take a deep breath and listen. While they talk, you can calm yourself.
Below is a sample conversation
In this sample conversation, the child is a college student who called the parent, sounding in despair. It might offer you a roadmap to having that difficult but important conversation.
Chris: Hi mom and dad. I…I.. am so overwhelmed. And I can’t get all my work done. There is so much to know and learn and figure out. All this is getting to me. I just can’t do this anymore.
Parent: What do you mean you can’t do this anymore? Can you explain? I’m listening.
Chris: Like I don’t care anymore or don’t want to be here anymore. Everything is hard. Just getting out of bed is hard. I don’t care about anything….
Parent: I will need to ask you a specific question. When people say “I can’t do this anymore,” and they feel overwhelmed, they are often struggling with thoughts of suicide? Are you thinking about suicide?
Chris: Ummmm. . .I think. I mean, I don’t know. I have these dark periods, and then they just go away, and then I don’t want to hurt myself, and I feel fine. But sometimes I do want to, and I don’t feel like I have control, especially late at night when I can’t sleep. I feel so useless.
Parent: That must feel so scary.
Chris: It is. I know you are so proud of me and now think I’m weak.
Parent: I couldn’t be more proud of you than I am right now. I know that was hard to tell, and I’m so grateful you did. We are going to work together to help you, OK?
Chris: You’re not going to call an ambulance, are you?
Parent: No honey, we are not calling an ambulance right now because you are on the phone with me and safe right now. No limbs are falling off? You’re not having a heart attack, right? So we don’t need an ambulance. But we do need help and I’m with you on this, OK?
Chris: OK. But I do feel better right now. . . .I mean, it probably won’t come back.
Parent: You may be right. But let’s be sure. We need to get some help on the next steps. I need to know you are safe from suicide. No secrets. And we are in this together, OK?
Chris: OK, yeah. What do we do?
Parent: I want you to stay on the line with me right now. Is your RA in or a friend on your hall? Someone you trust?
Chris: My RA is in.
Parent: Can you put me on speaker and let’s talk with him? I’m thinking he connects you with campus mental health center near your dorm.
If you are feeling doubtful about this conversation
I went on a podcast called The Cult of Pedagogy for teachers a few years ago.
The episode is called, Suicide Prevention: What Teachers Can Do.
We talked about suicide prevention, red flags to look for, and what to do. While the host got lots of responses, I’ll share this one sent by one of the listeners.
I want to thank you for your last episode on suicide prevention. I am no longer in the classroom, but I work with teachers every day.
What I did not know, was that my son would call that very evening from college to tell us, crying, that he was feeling overwhelmed and unhappy. One of the first questions I asked him was ‘Are you having suicidal thoughts?’ His answer was yes.
We were able to bring him around to an unhappy but safe place by listening and being present with him and helping him find a path forward. Techniques I learned from your episode.
Fast forward 12 hours, and our son said that he is feeling much better this morning and has an appointment with his counselor and his advisor to look at reducing his work/course load.
You made a difference yesterday, and my wife and I thank you for that from the depths of our souls.
likely Be the slightly annoying adult aka, the trusted adult
Why? You want to be that go-to parent, sibling, uncle, aunt, coach, friend, or teacher.
That means when you ask
“How are you doing?”
and you get the “I’m fine,” response,
you can say,
“Sorry. I’m not buying it. How do you really feel? I’m listening and I promise I won’t offer unsolicited advice.”
Allow for long stretches of silence. Let it sit because the person is processing a response and we need to give them the space to gather the courage to be vulnerable.
The slightly annoying adult is helpfully nosy, pushing just enough to let that person know they can say more and encouraging them to do so.
You mustn’t pass judgment, add to their shame, offer advice, or tell stories about how you “pulled yourself up by your bootstraps” or otherwise got over a breakup and did just fine. It’s likely, however, if they are willing to tell you, you’ve been a good listener, earmarking yourself as a trusted adult.
Next steps?
You are likely not an expert. But you can reach out to a resource together to figure out next steps. That might be a school counselor, university counseling, or call 988, and ask what the next steps might be. It’s important that it’s a warm handoff and that you are a partner in the effort so there is follow through and support.
No one needs to be an expert. You simply want to listen and be the bridge to help that person save their own life.
My Child Has Been Suicidal, What do I do Now? A what to do, what to say guide for caregivers
- What to do when you want to text your child constantly
- Scripts that offer examples of what to say & what to do
- Why did your child attempt, why are they having these thoughts?
- How to talk to siblings, and find peace
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
If only I had listened to my screaming gut feeling. If only I had left earlier to get down there for thanksgiving. If only I had not worried about calling off work to go to him. If only I had dropped everything and gone to him immediately. If only I had called the police there to do a wellness check after that phone call. If only i had ACTED when I felt rising alarm in my belly. If only I hadn’t soothed myself into denying the impossible. If only I hadn’t trusted him to tell me if he needed help. If only i had known he would lie to me to hide his intent. If only he had believed me when I said, I love you more than anything in the whole world, no matter what, forever.” If only that had been enough.
If you have a niggling doubt, RUN, don’t wonder.
This sounded as if I wrote it myself. I mean I had to do a double take. And I too allowed my brain to talk me out of what I felt in my gut. Much love to you. I get it.
Anne Moss – excellent piece with good advice and info!
Thank you Gray. It’s good to hear from you.
A very informative and necessary article for people to be aware of. Sometimes it can be difficult for a person in crisis to reach out to other people, and these are the ones most at risk. How do we get these people to confide in us? I think we can begin to do this as we let struggling people know that we are there for them. That we do not have an issue when it comes to entering into the hard conversations.
Recently, I was speaking with a friend and explaining about the 4 categories of a Lived Experience survivor. He listened and then said, “But if a person is feeling like they do not want to be here, you need to get them into a hospital or call the police.” I responded by telling him that I felt (rightly or wrongly) that this is one of society’s problems when it comes to suicidal thinking. How can a person hurting even feel confident in talking more about their darkest feelings if they believe that after doing so, they will be hospitalized? Far better if we can allow them to simply share with us and then, if they are still speaking the same words and displaying the same body language (such as downcast eyes, despondency etc), then we offer to take them to see a doctor ( which I think is less threatening than an emergency department) and to be with them if the doctor feels they need to see a therapist within the hospital system. Of course, if they are still feeling suicidal and refuse to see a doctor, then that is the time to call for more assistance.
People want to share with an understanding person that they perceive as trustworthy and not fear the loss of their freedom. These fears are real and often there can be a conflict going on in their heads as to sharing versus being hospitalized and losing their freedom. It could be argued that suicide is death and therefore the ultimate loss of freedom. But to my mind, if they are willing to reach out, then that is an indication that they want the pain in their life to stop and not necessarily their life to be over with.
I agree that people need a trusted person to speak with and not just a family member or friends. From a personal perspective, I know that when I am in a dark place, I simply cannot feel able to reach out to others as the feelings of my own vulnerability are so overwhelming as to shut down any ability to do so. I think this is another good reason for having 24 Hour phone lines available. Sharing with a faceless stranger can be very supportive and less fearful.
These are my own views and I would welcome any feedback as to their worth or not.
Hospital is a last resort. When someone expresses suicidality often the default is that option. And even those in the field believe it should be a last resort. Some people live with those thoughts daily. This is more rare but I hear from these individuals often. It’s obviously not practical to go to the ER daily.
You said this “…if they are willing to reach out, then that is an indication that they want the pain in their life to stop and not necessarily their life to be over with.”
There is always doubt. Always ambivalence. No one is ever 100% committed to the idea of suicide and as you said they just want to stop the pain or it has worn them down. And most people just need to be heard. I think having a group of friends who check in as a buddy system is a good deterrent.
I also agree that sometimes someone wants to talk to a stranger. That’s why so many leave comments on my posts and videos when they are in despair. As they cry into the void they want someone to answer. And for many, not all, getting a reply (which they always get) is enough to carry them through. I cannot save someone. All I can do is help someone save their own life.
As someone who has experienced ‘Chronic Suicidality’ daily since the age of 13 & attempted suicide, I completely agree with Anne Moss that hospital should be a last resort, I can not tell you how many times I’ve been brave enough to be honest with certain people in my life about my suicidal thoughts only for it to always end in mainly my social worker at the time, going to my house & making my parents aware, even though I was 18, she always said that she had a duty of care to report it because if she didn’t she would lose her job, there is an incident I remember in particular where she turned up demanding to see if my sisters were ok as I had taken an overdose with them in my care & she called an ambulance. The older I’ve got, the more I’ve learnt about who I can & can not trust when sharing that I feel suicidal as even crisis lines I have contacted in the past have always led to police turning up at 2am in the morning to conduct a welfare check, what is so difficult for people to understand that just because someone is experiencing thoughts of suicide, doesn’t necessarily mean that they are going to act on them?
It’s definitely a slippery slope. But for those who struggle often I think it’s so important not to default to that step because it’s so traumatizing. Thanks for the comment from someone with lived experience. This is where we learn the most.
I agree it can be, I still remember the time when the police stopped me on the street, searched me for anything I had on me to harm myself with then I was handcuffed & transferred to hospital.
Adam’s Story, is a case where he hid his despair, only to withdraw into a dark place where his family could not reach him! Sometimes it takes outsiders to be the listeners in order to be heard. Thank you AnneMoss for all the great work you are doing for our KC communities.
Andy Tilton, Director, Adam’s Story
I believe every young person should have another trusted adult in their life. And when I do a coping card I ask them to name someone besides their parent to speak with if they ever were making some major life decision. Thank you so much for your input.