After my son’s death by suicide, I spent months, years, blaming myself for missing the signs of his obvious distress and not interpreting them correctly.

It was only after watching some home videos from the 90s, when they were little, that I recognized how much I was hyper-focusing on the 5% of parenting I did imperfectly, while ignoring the 95% I did right. Those videos reminded me that my son grew up in a house of love, and it wasn’t something I said or did that caused him to suicide. I had been guilty of negative bias, hovering over those last text messages between us, missing an entire life of love.

Negative bias is the tendency to focus on and place more weight on the negative than the positive.

I often talk about that 95% in my keynotes, and the index cards that come back afterwards often mention this one line after I ask, “Write down one thing you learned today.” If it resonates with hundreds, it’s an issue that many have struggled with. This is something that is within our control to remedy.

So let’s get to it. (Cards from my presentations below.)

Real-Life Examples of Negative Bias

One educator once told me, “I get great feedback every year from students, and I hardly remember those wonderful comments. But boy, do I remember that one bad one from five years ago! I am going to start reframing from now on so I remember the good stuff, too.”

Workplace

• Your performance review says “exceeds expectations” but mentions one area in which you need to grow → that single “area in which you need to grow” becomes the headline in your mind

Social / Communication

• You post something meaningful online and get hundreds of positive comments → one critical comment erases the hundreds of supportive ones

Parenting

• You handle a tough parenting moment well → you dwell on the one thing you wish you’d said differently

Personal Life

• You complete most of a to-do list → you focus on the one thing you didn’t finish

Grief

• Support pours in → one insensitive remark dominates your memory
• You make progress in healing → a single setback convinces you that nothing is improving, and you are back at square one

Cognitive Reframing Reduces Negative Bias

What does cognitive reframing mean?

Cognitive reframing means intentionally shifting your perspective so you can view a situation more accurately and constructively. It’s a core CBT technique that helps transform automatic negative thoughts into balanced interpretations that support emotional well-being. Common examples include shifting “I failed” to “I learned,” viewing anxiety as excitement, or reinterpreting a rejection as an opportunity for redirection.

This example of cognitive reframing into positive self-talk is from the book “Mentality Wins: The Athlete’s Playbook for Thriving in Sport and Life” by Jonathan Jenkins, PsyD, CMPC, and Kimberly H. McManama O’Brien, PhD, LICSW. The trick is to notice when you say it, pause, and then reframe it.

It does not mean stopping negative thoughts. Those are going to happen. What needs to change is how you react and respond to those thoughts. And that is within your control.

Why do positive self-talk or cognitive reframing at all?

For one, it will reduce stress and anxiety and lower cortisol levels while reducing the activation of the body’s threat response system. That threat response system (e.g., panic attacks) uses up a lot of energy and emotional resources, and who wants that?

Reframing “mistakes” or “failures” as learning opportunities can also boost performance and confidence, and over time, become second nature.

It will be hard at first. You may do it ten times and catch yourself only once at first. Pat yourself on the back for the one time you caught yourself and reframed the situation. Then set yourself on alert to be aware of recognizing future negative biases.

Catch it. Switch it.

It’s not so much that we are trying to edit that first negative thought that comes into your head.

We want to change how you respond to it. That’s what this exercise is about. Not denying difficult feelings but rather reacting to them in a healthy and productive way.

I started cognitive reframing when I was 15 years old. I had no idea what it was called and didn’t even know it had become second nature until someone pointed it out. It took a few weeks for me to file through my life and figure out the first time I did it and why. Prior to that I had called them my alter ego conversations.

Here is one I have used. I had just started a training regimen, and was by far the oldest in the class. By decades!

They did a reverse table crab move and kicked a right foot and a left hand in the air at the same time, and I thought….

“There is no way I can do that!”

Then I took a deep breath and changed my thinking….

“Yes, I can do this! I’m going to try, and I’ll laugh at myself when I screw it up and try again.“

And guess what? I nailed it on the first try. You’ll find if you say, “I can’t do this,” your body will give up. Say “I can,” and most of the time you’ll do it or at least get close. It’s no wonder my favorite book was “The Little Engine that Could.”

So Here is the Process

Example

Your brain zooms in on one thing you noticed you missed and blurs everything that went right. The net result is that you think it was a failure. One negative detail fills the frame.

Healing & Recovery Reframing Example

Negative bias thought:
“This week sucked. Obviously, I’m not making any progress in therapy.”

Reframe that counters negative bias:
“I’m focusing on one difficult moment and overlooking many signs of progress. Healing takes time.”

(Alternate wording)
“This is a dip, not the whole trend.”

Reframing With Humor Example

Negative bias thought:
“Missing that one important point ruined my whole presentation!”

Reframe that counters negative bias:
“Ah, yes — my inner news flash: Breaking News: An Imperfection Has Been Discovered!“

Resetting Exercise for those who struggle with negative bias

On a piece of paper, write “What can I say to myself?”

It’s a kind of “instead of saying this, say this.”

Write down those phrases you say to yourself, the most common ones, and then on the right list what you SHOULD say to yourself instead.

In case you can’t read my handwriting above, here it is typed out.

Positive Self-Talk. What can I say to myself?

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AnneMoss Rogers

AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives.  She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.