This is a 2013 photo of Charles on the left, my son who took his life, and my older son, Richard, on the right who is a filmmaker in LA. This was taken on Charles’s holiday break from therapeutic boarding school (TBS).
For years after my son’s return and after his death by suicide in 2015, part of my parental guilt was having sent my son away to a therapeutic boarding school.
His track was —> Wilderness –> Therapeutic Boarding School (TBS)—> Regular Boarding School to finish his degree (Wasatch Academy) —> Home in 2014. All together it was 22 months in total.
There has been a revived focus on therapeutic boarding schools of late with a Netflix special, “The Program: Cons, Cults and Kidnapping,” which is about another TBS during an earlier period.
Then there is a recent NYT article about a music teacher from the school Charles attended being charged with sexual assault of minors in his role as a music teacher. He worked at the school 15 years before Charles arrived in 2012 and had long since been dismissed.
But the recent spotlight has rekindled past guilt. I’m able to process and dismiss those regrets and not leave them sitting on my heart like they once did. But it has inspired some unexpected memories and feelings.
Sending my son to a TBS wasn’t plan A
And it’s not a choice I would have thought to make had it not been recommended by a therapist and an educational consultant as my only option after exhausting all local resources.
A therapist told me “I go to at least one funeral a year for a child and I don’t want it to be your son’s.”
Since I’ve spoken publicly about TBS for the New York Times and on my blog, I tend to get the occasional message from people who went there or siblings of loved ones who went there and are no longer alive–most of whom have died from drug overdose-related deaths and suicides.
The notes usually say, “No wonder your child killed himself, you should have known better.”
Although I no longer take these personally and have a much tougher exoskeleton, I do understand the pain and need to lash out and blame. At first, I certainly didn’t need anyone else punishing me for sending my son away to a place I hoped and thought would help–a place recommended by people I trusted and cost more than double my house payment and financed by a home equity loan.
Was it the right thing to do?
It was a place that ultimately did not help but I’m not sure he would have lived as long as he did without it. To this day I have no idea what my alternative would have been other than watching him head toward a mountain to crash at breakneck speed.
The special on Netflix would say “No, it was stupid to send him” although they are not depicting the same time frame or same school but rather the worst of the worst. And hindsight always makes it so much easier to assign blame.
His therapist at the TBS was the best he ever had and their relationship was very special. It was this therapist who called and said, “Get him out, it’s no longer an environment that is helping him and he is backsliding.” So we did.
With the new article and movie, I do feel triggered and taken back to a time when I didn’t know what to do to save my son’s life and it plays on my doubts at the time about the places we sent him to help. I have forgiven myself. It’s not what caused my son’s death.
Making decisions with little information
My point is that we as parents are caught in situations around which we have no expertise and precious few resources and answers. Being desperate also makes us vulnerable. We peer inward and blame ourselves, when there are so many more contributing factors out of our control and plenty of bad advice to go with it.
We punish ourselves and focus on the 5% of parenting we did imperfectly, ignoring the 95% of parenting we did right.
I spent so much time with that kind of self-torture and am done with it because it simply serves no purpose. I can’t pass judgment myself through the lens of a person with all the facts and outcomes. That’s not fair to myself.
Today I would recommend that parents look into Family Based Therapy (FBT) or Family Based Treatment which first started with disordered eating. (Here is one example for FBT for addiction.) With FBT, you are learning with your child and it’s not such a violent adjustment when they return. That’s not to say that TBS or outpatient has not worked for some kids. It has. but it’s worth weighing FBT as an option.
All I can do now is fight for better resources and help educate others. That has to be enough.
Learn more about AnneMoss’ incredible story of grief, hope, and healing through her award-winning memoir Diary of a Broken Mind: A Mother’s Story, a Son’s Suicide, and the Haunting Lyrics He Left Behind. This book includes Charles’s lyrics that help answer the “why” behind his suicide.
“Anne Moss writes an amazing book of her son Charles battle against SUD and depression, and ultimately a talented young man taking his life. After loosing my son to suicide her words of hope and healing helped me during a very difficult time.”
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
I always notice and appreciate that you close your posts with Hugs… now I’d like to give one back to you. Ironically, I often wonder if I will feel guilt for Not sending my son to a TBS. Hindsight is, as they say, 20/20. We all do what we think is best and what we are able to with the information and resources we have at the time. Thank you for bringing more of those resources and understanding to all of us who struggle with supporting and guiding a child who is struggling with mental health.. I am afraid to have my son away, and afraid that at home, he can’t get what he needs. I’ve always wanted my kids to stay kids as young as possible, but with him, I pray that his brain development will help his approach and actions as he ages. Again, all I/we can do is become informed and make the decisions we believe are best. Hopefully our children will understand… someday.
It’s been interesting hearing from parents who sent a kid away, ones who did not, ones who think they should have, those who think they shouldn’t have and everything in between. I even heard from a young lady who went to TBS with charles who told me a story of how they put him in a corner for a weekend for picking up a spatula. I had never heard that story and it made me simmer with anger. Like that is effective? I think once his counselor came on board he wasn’t exposed to as much of that kind of ineffective “discipline.” We all think what if don’t we. I really appreciate your comment!
Hello AnneMoss,
I had a very similar experience with not only my daughter (who ultimately died by suicide in 2012), but her daughter (my granddaughter) as well.
And I slip in and out of guilt and regret because my granddaughter resents me and blames me still at the age of 28, when she’s angry with me.
No one can understand the desperation of trying to keep your child safe from self harm, impulsive choice (jumping out of moving cars and cutting).
And the expenses!!…we sent over a million dollars on their care…only to have it less than successful and to haunt me possibly forever. I handle it ok, have done lots of work around it…but it still creeps in.
Thank you for your story. It was hard for me to read, took me 3 times to “be” with the whole of it…but it’s validating…relatable, and I offer you my gratitude.
I really had no idea how many others were struggling with this very specific thing until I wrote this post. I’m amazed at how many of us there are. I’m so sorry you are blamed when you were just plain desperate to save someone you love. I wonder if it would help to share this with her? Just a thought. I had no idea what the reaction would be.
Much love to you, Anne Moss. So very hard to go back and evaluate choices when you have so much more information now, versus at the time decisions were made. Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us.
Thank you Amy. Today I am hearing from so many who chose one way or another and regret their choice or wonder if they should have chosen differently.
Anne,
Your courageous sharing brings immense validation to those of us who are regularly visited by the mean voice on one shoulder and the guilt voice on the other. They push away the reminders that we did the best we could with what we had in the hopes of a better outcome.
I have to say I have heard from parents who didn’t take this step and feel guilty, others who took the TBS step and it saved their child’s life, others who didn’t choose to take this step, and their child died. All feel guilty that they didn’t make the right choice. All of which illustrates that there really isn’t a perfect answer. Darned if we do and darned if we don’t when there aren’t many alternatives.
Thank you for these insights You did the best for Charles and he had the best counselor he ever had. Your decision reflects that you did the best you knew how to do. You had to try everything.
Thank you Julie
A program like this was recommended for my son when he was in middle school. A group home was also recommended. I did not opt for either. Now my son is 29 years old and still struggling and I find myself constantly looking in the rear view mirror and feeling regret for decisions I made as well as for things I did not do. I couldn’t agree more with what you said in this post: “My point is that we as parents are caught in situations around which we have no expertise and precious few resources and answers. ” Sadly, this is still true. Our mental health support system is broken. I am thankful for voices like yours, fighting for better resources and educating others. xoxo
Darned if we do and darned if we don’t. Thank you for your perspective.
Well, I can’t get past the “5% I did imperfectly “. That 5% was maybe the difference for mortality.
How do we know that though? I mean there were alarm bells going off in my head during my son’s last phone call to me. Yet I had no idea where he was, that he was going through withdrawal or much of anything else. Up until then no one had mentioned suicide although I’d find out later their test results showed risk, they just never mentioned it to me, the person who was paying. We simply can’t control the actions of another. Nor can we have all the expertise required to make the most informed decision which usually ends up being less than perfect no matter what we choose. But I get it. I focused on taht 5% for a very long time.
Thank you for your compassionate reply.
You are welcome. Thank you for reading and commenting because the comments are read more often than the article!
Thanks for sharing. As you know my son Blake was at FFS with Charles and they were good friends. One thing that resonates with your communication is that we, as parents, had (and continue to have) limited options. We were also advised by one of the most reputable therapists in our area so I felt comfortable with the decision at the time and do not regret it. As you mentioned the financial part of the decision was enormous. Thanks for all you do to create awareness to hopefully improve options for families.
I remember Blake so well. That beautiful head of curly hair not unlike Charles’s head of hair. He was such a sweetheart. He reached out often after Charles died. I really appreciated that. I so regret that he died and I miss our communication. He was a great, empathic kid in so many ways. He was hard not to adore.
We also were at the point of no more options with our son. We obtained every source of help we knew for him with his mental health and addiction. I had no idea where to turn next. Five years later I still don’t know what else we could have done.
For me, this stresses the importance of FBT. We were so busy “fixing” our son, that no one was helping us “fix” ourselves and the way we reacted to his behavior and poor life choices.
One thing I have learned since losing our son is that what happened in our story was not even unusual. This knowledge in and of itself has helped make the guilt less pronounced and I can be more forgiving of myself.
Judging from today’s comments and emails it is indeed not unusual. It should be. Thank you for commenting, Karen and I am sorry we are in the same club.
Dear AnnMoss,
My son was at FFS with Charles. What you’ve said here resonates deeply. I felt wretched about sending Silas there. Still carrying lots of feelings from that time. He & I both.
Sending love, appreciation & compassion your way, & heartfelt condolences
Amy it’s good to hear from you. I think we were on the parent board together. Thank you for writing. I was feeling a bit naked putting this out there. You have made me feel less alone.
Silas & I attended the Geer detention hearing via cell phone from a student in the gallery. Holy Cow!
Outcome; Remanded to detention pending judge’s decision.
Yeah, Definitely having some feelings about sending Silas into that. And hating some things about it, but telling myself that he was better off than living with us. Your email was really helpful. Because yes, we did the best we could (and all of us vulnerable) with the information we had at the time. I too, hired an educational consultant to find us the best place….. didn’t trust myself, maybe an expensive expert could do better.
Plus, as a musician myself, I thought it was pretty cool Silas getting these experiences of singing at Carnegie Hall. Brilliant concerts, etc.
So this is the sentence he got? “Remanded to detention pending judge’s decision.” That’s it?
As always, your vulnerability to create awareness and change, shines through. I am saddened by what some people have said to you as you deserve far better. We who follow you love you and care for you. People need to take a moment to reflect before they say such hateful and disgusting words.
You are such a dear, Heath. Thank you for that.
AnneMoss, you are the bravest mother! Hugs, Tyler
Thank you Tyler!
Thank you for continuing to be so vulnerable in order to help others. ❤️
This one felt very vulnerable. Thank you for your unwavering support Leigh. It was hard to hit publish but like usually I am glad I did.