When my son was struggling with drugs and alcohol, long before he became addicted, I made up some spectacular scenarios to hover over and worry about. If he didn’t pick up the phone, my mind would weave a tale that he was dead in a ditch on the side of the road.
Once, an administrator called me unexpectedly from the boarding school where Charles was attending. Between the time the person calling me and when he got on the phone, in my mind, I had him hooked up to life support in the ICU, all manner of life-saving tech keeping him alive. Then he got on the phone, and the scenario vanished, and relief settled in. But I had worked myself up in a lather.
After any police incident, I would worry that Charles would rob a bank and end up in prison.
In my scenario, he wouldn’t be able to get into a good college due to a felony, and would have a hard time finding a job and a place to live. Since he was so thin and cute, he would end up someone’s b!tch in prison. What if he ended up a porn star?
I projected all kinds of b@tshi# crazy future scenarios, none of which ever happened. I’d think about something, and my imagination would put together a movie spectacular that would keep me anxious for hours.
How was all this projecting helping me? Was it making me more prepared? More educated? More compassionate?
The answer to all that is no.
It was just creating stomach pain, sore back muscles, and sleepless nights
It was in Families Anonymous, a support group for parents of those who misuse substances or are addicted, when I realized how utterly unproductive this was. It had become a habit, and I was making myself crazy with it.
The following passage, Helping, is from ©Families Anonymous, Inc
“…….Exhaustion is the result when I use my energy in mulling over the past with regret or in trying to figure ways to escape a future that has yet to arrive. Projecting an image of the future—and anxiously hovering over it for fear that it will or it won’t come true—uses all my energy and leaves me unable to live today. Yet living today is the only way to have a life….”
I had to work on this to stop myself, and over time, I got better at putting on the brakes and using smart self-talk, deep breathing, grounding techniques, or what I call my alter ego conversations. (Some of those skills are listed below)
Sometimes I even laughed at myself when I’d get carried away and say, “What are you going to worry about next? That he’ll be attacked by an alligator in Virginia?”
Projecting makes things worse
It’s imagination hijacked by anxiety.
It takes a moment that is already uncertain and fills it with fear, catastrophe, and certainty about an outcome that hasn’t happened.
Here’s the trap
The body doesn’t know the difference between a real crisis and a made-up one. The heart rate spikes. Shoulders tighten. Breath shortens. Face heats up like it’s on fire. Panic attacks can happen.
We suffer through the emergency we invented, and then, if nothing bad actually happened, we collapse in exhausted relief. Over and over again. Rehearsing tragedy does not prevent tragedy. It only multiplies suffering. Like, we need additional pain and things to cry about that we need to make things up?
Projection narrows our world to danger and drains the energy we need to handle what is actually happening right now. This shutdown is the result of being overwhelmed and unable to prioritize where to start. You want all of it to go away because there are too many layers to tackle, too many problems you can’t solve.
What does projection look like?
- For parents, it looks like imagining the worst when a child is late, silent, or struggling.
- For professionals, it looks like assuming the meeting will go badly, the email means something terrible, or the change will fail before it begins.
- For anyone carrying grief or trauma, it looks like bracing for loss before there is another loss. Because it spotlights what is possible, and it can send you into a spiral, thinking it will strike again at any moment.
- For a student, it looks like thinking you’ll fail a test and then fail at life.
First and most important, take a deep breath. Pause.
Strategies for halting the habit of projection
Instead of asking, What if the worst has happened? Learn to ask:
- What do I know for sure in this moment?
- What evidence do I have?
What helped me begin to loosen projection’s grip wasn’t “thinking positively.” It was thinking accurately. I learned to strip it down to just the facts.
Ground yourself in the present
If you’ve lived through loss or other trauma, projection can feel like protection. You think, if you anticipate pain, maybe it won’t surprise you again.
Think of it this way. Concern leads to action. Catastrophe leads to paralysis. Paralysis prevents you from making an informed decision.
When your mind begins to write a frightening story, try to notice it without believing it.
“That’s a projection, not a prediction. My mind is going wild again!”
Then return to what is real.
This breath.
This moment.
Say, “It’s not happening now.”
We cannot control every outcome. We can refuse to suffer from or hover over a future that hasn’t arrived.
And that, over time, is how we reclaim some peace from projection.
“Check the Facts” DBT Skill
The “Check the Facts” skill is a shift that moves us from imagination to information. These skills were developed by Marsha Linehan.
How do you employ the “check the facts skill?”
When your mind starts writing a dramatic story about something that hasn’t happened, pause and shift from projection to facts.
1. Separate facts from the story.
Ask: What do I actually know right now?
Facts are observable and verifiable. Everything else is interpretation.
Example:
My thought: “My friends are not calling me because I lost a child, and they feel awkward, and they will forever cut me out of their lives because it’s too awful to be near.”
The facts: “My friends have not called. I have not told them what I need from them.”
My solution: “I’ll have a get-together. I’m not up to cooking or buying beverages, so I’ll invite everyone, provide a space, and ask them to come over and bring the rest. From there, I will choose one friend and share what I want and need.”
2. Check if you’ve cast yourself in a drama that doesn’t exist.
Am I reacting to what’s happening — or to a movie my mind created? You don’t have to be the main character in a crisis that hasn’t occurred.
Example: “Why am I hovering over something that has never happened? Can I do something to make me feel more prepared so this thought doesn’t keep me awake? Perhaps I should ask people at group what rehabs their loved ones have attended. Maybe I’ll make a list of rehabs that take my insurance, so I have that information in case I need it. That way I can let this go of this recurring thought….”
3. Choose a grounded next step.
One action based on reality — not fear.
Send a text. Gather information. Take a breath. Wait.
Grounded next step examples
• He didn’t answer the phone.
Grounded step: Send one calm text — “Call me when you can.” Then set a 30-minute or one hour timer before checking again.• You receive an unexpected call from school/work.
Grounded step: Ask one factual question first — “Can you tell me what this call is about?” Then listen.• You’re spiraling about a worst-case outcome.
Grounded step: Write down three verifiable facts about the situation. Nothing else.• Your body is reacting like it’s an emergency.
Grounded step: Put both feet on the floor, take 5 slow breaths, and name five things you can see.• You feel the urge to fix everything immediately.
Grounded step: Identify one action that gathers information rather than fuels fear.
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
Hi Anne
There is a rawness and realness in your writing that connects with those of us, the survivors, who have experienced a death by suicide. I appreciate and value your honesty. In the 14 years since my son’s death I feel safest with those who not only listen but are open to sharing their own struggles.
Thank you
Thank you for saying that Gary. It’s most appreciated.
Thank you for this post. Projecting/catastrophizing can be such a challenging habit to break, especially because there’s something that tells me “preparing for the worst” can somehow help keep me safe. I have to remind myself that oftentimes, I am just negative storytelling, which helps interrupt the cycle and creates some space. A wise person once said to me, “Just the facts, ma’am.” I appreciate the different examples you provide of where and how projecting can show up, and the practical steps of 2 and 3, which offer a helpful, supportive place to go after fact-checking.
I learn so much from what you share. Thank you.
I use that phrase just the facts to myself all the time! And I kept thinking I was preparing myself too until someone said “how?” Thanks for commenting Amy.
I realize now i do this when I’m sad. I think of all the things that haven’t happened and build up this big story in my head and it makes me more sad. Thanks for sharing , so helpful.
I love “check the facts” skill. The DBT skills I use most are “opposite action,” “check the facts,” and “ride the wave.” It takes a bit to make it a habit and catch yourself doing it. But awareness is the first step. And you have taken that!
Such a great post! I still do this – I think the trauma of sibling and child loss, and recently my dad’s battle with and loss to Alzheimer’s both just exacerbated my anxiety problem.
Love this explanation.
My mother was notorious for this. I learned to tone it down because while I was working on it (guess where I got it?), my mother was in overdrive, and so I coached her, too. She learned to quiet it to a point in her 70s. And she would sometimes call me and sa,y “Talk me off the ledge,” knowing her mind was spiraling off into the stratosphere with all sorts of dramatic scenarios.
My mom did want to go to a therapist, but virtual wasn’t a good option for he,r and she didn’t like the one therapist in her small hometown. So I was it. And from that I learned a lot.
I think your self-awareness helps you keep it in check, Gray. You are so good at self care.
One more thing. I’m sorry you have had so much to balance! Good Lord that’s a lot.
Thanks for this great post as it will help me to support both other people and myself.
It can be hard to learn the skills to slow our mind down, more so if we have had a lot of trauma in the past, have lived a life that has caused our body, mind and emotions to live in a heightened state and if we have experienced a lot of loss in life. This can be any type of loss that has had an impact on us.
I would like to use some of this in the book that l have stated on my own journey of loss to suicide.
I will be sending you a few pictures of Martin’s paintings via your email and happy to share more about the book, if you like.
Yes, please do share the art and more about your book. You are a gifted writer, Heath. And definitely use the information.
Those who have had early childhood trauma do have more of a challenge slowing down their responses to catastrophe. Early childhood trauma triggers chronic stress that disrupts normal brain development by accelerating synaptic pruning. The “use-it-or-lose-it” result causes the brain to eliminate vital connections which affects executive function and emotional regulation. While not impossible it’s more challenging as a brain exposed to early trauma is always scanning the environment for threats.
William stays mostly in his room when he is not at work. Here and there he will go visit his childhood friends. He graduated during the Pandemic 2020. After that he still worked part time, I would surprise him with canvases and paints in bags on his door. He is an amazing artist. Years went by I was so into my job that I didn’t know he started using fentanyl….I didn’t even know what symptoms were with that drug. Anyway a lot happened and I won’t go into detail. He stopped after for quite some time then recently I notice how private he is ….I get paranoid and still check on him and unlock his door so if anything happens I can spray that stuff to save him, I have it in my closet in case. Forgot the name.
Plus dealing with my now 30 year old twin sons and their past reckless choices and too much, You name it. One is sober a year now and works two jobs and two daughters and is doing good, the other is not to live at my house anymore so he was unhoused for a time and now staying with a friend. He acts violent drinks heavily and acts like s victim when all I did was try to be there for him. I stopped enabling. Now zero phone calls from him, even my other twin son just doesn’t keep in touch but he is really busy. I am now OCD and anxious with mild PTSD…
I self diagnosed because I know my symptoms, and my uncle is a retired psychologist. I forgot how I linked up to your blog but I felt you may know how I can Live my life again
I will be 56 soon and want whatever years I have left to not be paranoid. I am like this because so many bad things happened and now I am punchy.
You are an amazing momma. And good lord you have been through it. A good PTSD treatment is EMDR. It’s a simple yet odd treatment that is not invasive. It’s hard to understand why it even works. That’s one route but of course you have to have a qualified therapist. If you live in the USA many court agencies have a treatment provider for it. It’s common among veterans so the county resources have it.
Another thought is to join a discussion group. They re in person and online through NAMI, national alliance of mental illness. Their peer support groups and family groups are a great resource. Usually the people there know the best or lowest cost treatment options and how to access them. I went to the family support group.
You were right to cut ties with someone who has violent or cruel behavior. I have a relative like that. And I had to cut ties with him.
If you let me know your city and state I can look up resources in the tea if you wanted to know what’s available. Your state and local NAMI also has a helpline that is free to call.
I am sorry you are having these symptoms. You do not deserve them. ❤️