My adorable boy, Charles, at age 2. For the first year after his death at age 20 in 2015, I couldn’t bear to look at old photos. When I finally did, I cried but I also saw that my son grew up in a house of love–that it wasn’t something I did or said that caused him to suicide.
Fun, outgoing, charming, popular, and a creative genius who was both fun, and funny, Charles was hardly what I would call “the type” to kill himself.
I wish I could tell you that those who have thoughts of suicide always wear green shirts and orange and white striped socks, choose shark costumes for Halloween, or have a particular hair color. While there are groups who are at greater risk, most who attempt or die by suicide are not in those groups.
We all want to know why
At first, it’s such a shock.
But often once we learn more, look back, read things they left behind, and talk to friends, we do see signs. While you won’t ever have all the answers, this helped me understand that his suicide was due to many factors and not that I was a “bad parent.”
What were the contributing factors to my son’s suicide?
It’s never just one but a constellation of issues that happen all at once and sometimes a “last straw” event that pushes someone toward suicide. And from his writing, and what I have learned since 2015, these are the reasons behind my son’s death by suicide.
1. Charles was going through withdrawal from heroin addiction
We already know that those who are addicted to drugs or alcohol have up to 14 times higher risk of suicide.1 People are particularly vulnerable when they are in pain such as withdrawal. That’s why they take things like shoestrings when people check into detox.
2. No sleep
Charles had had sleep problems since he was a toddler. He had delayed sleep phase syndrome (DSPS) and this played into all of his mental health issues. As a baby, he rarely napped and never fell asleep before 9 pm. By elementary school, he could not fall asleep until 11 pm or 11:30 pm. By middle school, it advanced to midnight and 1 pm. By high school, he was unable to fall asleep until 2 am.
3. He was experiencing a major depressive episode
Charles had been diagnosed officially with major depression at age 16 although he showed signs much earlier. I heard later from friends at the time of his death that Charles was very depressed and several tweets and social media posts indicated deep despair. Depression is a common risk factor for suicide.2
However, not everyone who lives with depression is suicidal and not everyone who dies by suicide has the illness of depression.
4. He had an upcoming court date
I read later in Facebook messages how terrified he was about his upcoming court date. He had been the victim of a sexual assault by a police officer. (see #10)
We know that criminal and legal trouble is a risk factor for suicide.2
5. He was alone and felt abandoned
I thought he was staying with friends but he was in a ratty apartment w/ a lot of those in active addiction. The group he’d been staying with left for a few days and didn’t return when expected. They had asked him to come along but he was so depressed he couldn’t find the energy.
Charles had always been afraid of being alone because he feared what he might do to himself.
6. Broke up with his girlfriend
She adored Charles and had been very loyal. But as someone who had found sobriety and wanted to stay in recovery, she couldn’t stay with him any longer.
7. He felt worthless
I know this from his rap lyrics. He was a prolific writer in his last years recording his feelings as rap songs.
“My demons up against me
I’m facing them now
I wear the face of a clown
I feel so unloved
Because of the monster
Created from drugs.”
—–Rap song, “Just to Hurt” by Charles Aubrey Rogers
8. Previous attempt
I didn’t think it was a “real” suicide attempt because it was the result of medication he had been prescribed for depression. I thought the attempt didn’t count because it had been related to medication. I did ask a psychiatrist and therapist directly who ignored my question.
A common, yet highly inaccurate belief, is that people who survive a suicide attempt are unlikely to try again. The truth is, if someone attempts, their chances of suicide are that much higher because a history of a previous attempt is the strongest predictor for future suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, and death by suicide.3
9. Previous exposure to suicide
While talking about suicide doesn’t “give them the idea“,4 being exposed to suicide in one’s family or at school does increase risk.5 Charles lost a friend, Cal Reilly, and was heartbroken. Charles was coincidentally at wilderness with Cal, the first time in history two kids from the same high school would be in the same group in Georgia. (Both kids lived in Virginia). They would become close friends, sharing their pain and helping each other in that program.
My son took his life the same way Cal did two years later.
10. Sexual Assault
A police officer sexually assaulted Charles a few months before his death. They conducted an internal investigation, absolved themselves of any wrongdoing, and sent us a cold, dismissive letter with that declaration—just three days after his death. They wasted no time professing clearing their officer of any wrongdoing once my son had died. The officer was dismissed years later for multiple similar conduct reasons. I would find out quite by coincidence.
I first learned about the firing from a police officer with whom I volunteered. When he asked what led me to suicide prevention work, I shared my story. As our conversation unfolded that day, he revealed that he had been the one to meticulously gather the evidence needed to fire him.
11. ADHD/Impulse Control Issues
Impulse control is a risk factor for both suicide and addiction (including substance use disorders and gambling.6,7 Charles was diagnosed with ADHD in third grade but it was brought up in first grade. A diagnosis does raise risk but ADHD could mean your child or loved one becomes an accomplished pianist or top downhill ski champion. Creative genius often comes with additional mental health challenges.
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Sources
1 Association of alcohol and drug use disorders and completed suicide: an empirical review of cohort studies. Wilcox HC, Conner KR, Caine ED. Association of alcohol and drug use disorders and completed suicide: an empirical review of cohort studies. Drug Alcohol Depend. 2004 Dec 7;76 Suppl:S11-9. doi: 10.1016/j.drugalcdep.2004.08.003. PMID: 15555812.
2 Protective Factors and Risk Factors for Suicide, CDC
3 Suicide Attempt as a Risk Factor for Completed Suicide: Even More Lethal Than We Knew. Bostwick JM, Pabbati C, Geske JR, McKean AJ. Suicide Attempt as a Risk Factor for Completed Suicide: Even More Lethal Than We Knew. Am J Psychiatry. 2016 Nov 1;173(11):1094-1100. doi: 10.1176/appi.ajp.2016.15070854. Epub 2016 Aug 13. PMID: 27523496; PMCID: PMC5510596.
4 Does asking about suicide and related behaviours induce suicidal ideation? What is the evidence? Dazzi T, Gribble R, Wessely S, Fear NT. Does asking about suicide and related behaviours induce suicidal ideation? What is the evidence? Psychol Med. 2014 Dec;44(16):3361-3. doi: 10.1017/S0033291714001299. Epub 2014 Jul 7. PMID: 24998511.
5 Association between exposure to suicide and suicidality outcomes in youth. Swanson SA, Colman I. Association between exposure to suicide and suicidality outcomes in youth. CMAJ. 2013 Jul 9;185(10):870-7. doi: 10.1503/cmaj.121377. Epub 2013 May 21. PMID: 23695600; PMCID: PMC3707992.
6 The neurobiology of impulsivity and substance use disorders: implications for treatment. Kozak K, Lucatch AM, Lowe DJE, Balodis IM, MacKillop J, George TP. The neurobiology of impulsivity and substance use disorders: implications for treatment. Ann N Y Acad Sci. 2019 Sep;1451(1):71-91. doi: 10.1111/nyas.13977. Epub 2018 Oct 5. PMID: 30291624; PMCID: PMC6450787.
7 The association of trait impulsivity and suicidal ideation and its fluctuation in the context of the Interpersonal Theory of Suicide. Asim Hadzic, Lena Spangenberg, Nina Hallensleben, Thomas Forkmann, Dajana Rath, Maria Strauß, Anette Kersting, Heide Glaesmer,
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
My son was withdrawing from heroin having seen medi it so many times with what feigned grave by using other ways to cope and I never let him see the ugly side. He didn’t know what lied ahead. I also KNOW a certain personale manipulated my family especially him built a wedge that made him more alone. I ALSO know WHO THE OTHERS WERE. TRUST ME. Warning
I am so sorry this got ugly. Addiction, mental illness and suicide tend to make people react differently and not usually in a good way.
Anne,
I haven’t written in comments before. You continue to provide food for thought showing that suicide is universal over time, the reasons basically unchanging. Certainly ALL suicides share some basic core triggers for choosing to end the pain of living. All survivors of suicide loss benefit from sharing them, to know and internalize that we are not unique and not alone.
Our Andrew wrote a very succinct suicide note on April 9, 2009 on the three reasons he had to leave us, knowing it would make living for us more difficult.
“In order for me to survive, I need at least one of three things:
1. Love (as in me loving someone), can conquer all, and would be sufficient without 2 or 3. But I am unable to respectfully love others and so can’t live with myself.
or
2. A good life situation, a fulfilling and relevant job, where I am surrounded by peers interested in the same things as I, doing something that’s very stimulating, filled with the will to live, even if I’ve no one around to love at all. But our society doesn’t allow a person to pursue their vocational dreams without checking off an endless string of mindless prerequisites that prevent progress. I have grown tired of playing the game.
or
3. A sense of absolute truth (as engendered by a belief in God and similar things). I long ago killed in myself any belief that there is any such thing as non-human-defined truth, and I won’t delude myself anymore (not like I haven’t tried, though).
I have put all of my effort into trying to give myself these things. I don’t blame anyone for this unfortunate end to my life, so don’t blame yourselves.”
The key for all of us is to share these similarities, “truths,” and help others watch for signs of depression, recognizing when loved ones are making similar statements, then stay present with them, listen, and walk with them in their search for love, fulfillment, and hope/faith. When we look back on our situation, we realize Andrew was lamenting all these things for the past 10 years of his life (first evidence of suicide attempt, in retrospect, was at 10 years old). But we simply weren’t listening, in subconscious denial. We also, unfortunately, didn’t act to remove lethal means from his environment, resulting in a self-inflicted gunshot wound. I am still writing his story, almost 16 years later, and what we can all learn from it.
Wow. This is so powerful, George. Thank you for sharing your son’s reasons because I honestly think it will help other parents and loved ones.
I know it helped you when you read it and it’s so generous to share it although I know it still hurts and had to hurt to share it.
I can’t even express how grateful I am. And it’s through my tears that I am replying to your comment.
Thank you for being so brave and generous relaying your personal, painful story. Know that, as you hope, it WILL make a difference, your son’s passing having some impact to prevent it from happening again.
Know that, at the very least, you sharing this story made someone’s life less-difficult. At the most, certainly, in doing so, you’ve saved lives.
Thank you Daniel. Sometimes I think I’m oversharing. Your validation helps me take another look.
I was recently asked why is it that we seem to think that a loss to suicide is different to other losses.
WHY DID THEY DO IT? is the very question that makes the Grief to Suicide so poignant. And when such is asked, we are then unwillingly forced to defend the person and when we do, we can feel so alone in our grief as we search for a way to find the Love required to defend whilst often feeling angry at the person. And so we too can ask ourselves – WHY DID YOU DO IT? And the question itself entails the conviction that they had a Choice – and this notion of Choice can isolate us from others as we internalize the belief that YOU DID NOT CARE, YOU DID NOT LOVE ME ENOUGH TO STAY.
The WHY is important for those most affected;as we seek for reasons. For others it is often merely an exercise akin to an archaeological dig to uncover reasons to satisfy one’s curiosity.
If one dies to the other deaths of old age, illness, accident or homicide, we may become angry as we try to come to terms with our loss, we may experience guilt, regret, lack of trust, a questioning of the purpose to Life – but they tend to be short lived in comparison to a Suicide Loss. I believe this is because we do not ask WHY DID THEY DO IT? And we do not think, YOU DID NOT CARE, YOU DID NOT LOVE ME ENOUGH TO STAY.
Having re-read your post, I can see that what you have written is very supportive for other folk. We survivors find our own narratives as we learn more about the person we lost. Even finding those things out that were once hidden from view, such can be extremely challenging to become aware of and then process. Learning that my partner contacted a Suicide Help Line months before (I found a business card) was very challenging for me as I felt cheated that he did not speak to me. Of course, I now appreciate why this didn’t occur.
I see real value in pondering on the reasons as they give us clues to the person’s state of mind as we learn of their pain and disharmony in life.
The difference is, as you pointed out, intent. It feels like they made a choice not to be with us. We ponder, struggle, suffer under the weight of the “whys.”
We don’t think about their mindset–how they fell into a dark hole and their ill brains told them they were worthless and everyone would be better if they were dead. Ten minutes later, most would likely be appalled they ever thought about suicide.
But no matter how much we know, that intention piece eats at us until we get to a place where we let it go. At least mostly if not entirely. It is honestly a unique part of the suicide loss process.
Cancer is a vignette around a photo. Suicide loss is a harsh stab to our hearts and our love. We question our own worthiness as a result.
What you said reminded me of a paragraphs I wrote in the introduction of my first book, Diary of a Broken Mind. I pasted it below.
“…suicide is a special brand of grief that comes with the baggage of additional guilt. I was sure my son’s suicide was glaring evidence of my failure as a mother.
Why did my child choose to leave me? Why wasn’t my love enough? What did I do wrong? Why didn’t I see the signs?
I yearn to make that last five years of our family life rosier and more romantic, and the horrific ending less sharp and jagged. I wish I could smooth out the roughness of the phrase, “He killed himself.”
There’d be a different visceral response to “He died of cancer.” I imagine it would be softer, like a vignette around a picture. Suicide is heavier because it carries with it complex emotions, with confusion leading the way. Others struggle to understand it, there is often blame, and everyone has an opinion, whether it’s an educated one or not. It is the cause of death that gets whispered only…..”
Thank you again for sharing so honestly as it will help others who may be struggling with guilt, shame, ruminating on the eternal “what ifs.” Your story shows us the complexity of issues that some people face and the nature of illness as it manifests as too that of how things can overlap.
Suicide is never down to an issue in isolation. It contains many elements which can compound each other.
When Martin died there was a huge amount of speculation and people posted without even checking things out with me. Some of what I read caused me to experience a heightened Suicidal ideation as l struggled with what were invariably untruths. Eventually l addressed the more public writings and some people had the grace to take them down from online.
Wow. I hope this comment helps people take a deep breath and think before posting online and who it might hurt and how. Thank you Heath.
WOW, thanks for sharing your story, AnneMoss. Almost all the points apply to my son Alex who died by suicide just a month ago on 1/21/25 — except he never took drugs, wasn’t sexually assaulted, and didn’t have a court date — but the day he died I had called the police because he had brought a gun to our house after a long marriage and job struggle and he was sure the girl he loved was leaving him.
He was bipolar, OCD, had ADHD, huge anxiety, and possibly on the higher end of the autism spectrum. Sadly, he was always a difficult and not very happy child, but he had many happy moments and times, including the first 6 years or so of his 7.5 year marriage. I go over and over the fight my husband and I had with him just before he killed himself — over spending $$ on a weekend trip to Boston his wife wanted (but she had become very demanding for quite a long time, and we basically supported them — had even bought a house in PA for them to live in a year ago).
I know Alex could be very impulsive, and he was scared of going to a psychiatric hospital (or he thought prison for having brought his gun to NJ where he wouldn’t have been allowed to have it). Ironically, if he had ever been hospitalized (he was terrified of being “trapped” and away from us, he would not have been able to get the gun 3 years ago in VT. FAR too easy to get guns in so many states. I am so sorry for your loss as well — what a cute picture.
I look at many pictures now, and they somehow comfort me as well as make me cry for “the old days” and the hopes we always had that he would get better and have an OK future. He didn’t see it.
Amy I’m so sorry. But wow I really appreciate you sharing your story and the firearm information. It helps to understand the loss in the perspective that there are so many reasons.
We tend to focus on ourselves and what we did wrong. But who on earth would have all the tools to manage a child with so many challenges? Who has a family and has never had a fight? People have fights all the time and it doesn’t result in a death by suicide. It’s a normal, human part of life. We can do everything right and our child who struggles can still die by suicide. All we can do is the best we can do and that doesn’t include controlling another person because that doesn’t work.
Much love to you in memory of Alex.
Dear Amy, I am sorry to read about your ow loss. I just wanted to say that your last paragraph where you speak about the HOPES that you always had that he would get better and have an OK future, is so true. This is certainly a take-away message for I think losing our people is also about losing our HOPES (whatever these be) to which you allude and this losing just adds to an already overflowing cornucopia of grief. Thank you for sharing as I feel like I learn so much from others’ posts.