Immediately after the UHC CEO was murdered, my thoughts turned to his family—his wife, and his children.

When they caught the alleged shooter at a McDonald’s, my focus shifted to another family: the accused shooter’s parents.

Fortunately, the media hasn’t demonized the accused shooter’s family yet, as so often happens before a trial even begins. Trial by media can be its own form of trauma.

Perhaps the alleged shooter is just outside the age range where people instinctively blame parents. Or maybe it’s because this family decided to lay low and refuse interviews. Other families have tried that and it didn’t go well.

I remember the Virginia Tech shooter’s family being stalked by reporters, shamed by the public, and blamed for the massacre. When a child does something shocking or violent, it’s almost reflexive for society to point fingers at the parents. We all feel compelled to scrutinize the family and render our verdict.

“They must have been too neglectful. Or too indulgent. Or too something.”

Nature or nurture?

While the public points fingers, those parents are often grappling inwardly with their own guilt, horror, shame, grief, trauma, disbelief, and pain.

In my line of work as a mental health and suicide prevention speaker, I’ve met many baffled, loving, grieving parents whose children have struggled in ways they never could have imagined. They didn’t raise their kids that way and there was plenty of love.

Some have dealt with the heartbreak of their child committing homicide, dying by suicide, or having done both. Others have lost children to overdose, or faced estrangement without ever understanding why. They’ve lost family ties, friends, jobs, homes, and loved ones over it. In these cases of grief, families are left isolated and alone instead of supported as with other kinds of grief.

The reason my mind went to the alleged shooter’s family is that I, too, have been in a place of judgment because of my own son.

My personal pain

Before my son Charles’s death by suicide, there was his drug use and the crimes he committed to support his addiction, one which at the time, brought me to my lowest point. (At least until my son died by suicide.) The shock, shame, and horror of the crimes ground me to a nub, left me battered and wanting to give up, curl up in a ball, and crawl under a rock until all the ugliness was over and life was shiny again.

We don’t have control over our children—or anyone else, for that matter

The only person we can truly control is ourselves, and even that is can be a struggle at times.

I often tell parents that punitive parenting doesn’t work with this generation of kids. Acting as a wisdom guide—asking questions, allowing children to make mistakes, and empowering them to take ownership of their choices—is far more effective. Kids are more committed when they believe the idea is their own.

No matter how well we parent, our children are exposed to forces beyond our control. They’re radicalized, tempted, and triggered by transitions, addictions, relationship disruptions, friends, the internet, trauma, mental or physical health struggles, and emotional or chronic physical pain.

When in a vulnerable state, anyone can make dangerous decisions—especially young people whose brains are still developing.

Avoid passing judgment, especially quickly

If I’ve learned one thing, it’s this. And I try to remind myself that I don’t know the full story and likely never will.

I’m not perfect—I relapse into old habits of blame and assumptions. But it’s important to always take a pause and tell myself not to rest my emotions in the comfort of blame. It’s too easy and too simplistic. Pointing fingers to elevate myself is a false and weak foundation for self-worth.

My focus in this crisis which has drawn so much attention, isn’t on the broken healthcare system or the surrounding mayhem although as a brain tumor survivor, I’ve had my fights with insurance companies.

Instead, as a survivor of tragedy, my thoughts go to two families

• The family of Brian Thompson, mourning an unimaginable loss
• The family of the alleged shooter, whose lives have been forever upended

Even if the accused didn’t commit the crime, his family’s world has shifted irreparably. Like me, his parents likely still love their child—but that love is now clouded by anger, confusion, horror, frustration, trauma, and sadness–all at the same time. They may hope this is all some horrible mistake. If they do think it possible, they are questioning everything starting with, “Where did we go wrong?” They wake up daily to this nightmare with the realization that the horror is real and not just a dream.

Regardless of the outcome, two families are grieving different, devastating losses: one mourning a death, and the other mourning the loss of a life they thought was secure and normal.

9 Ways to Help Your Kids Build Resilience

• Change your relationship with your child
• Teach coping strategies to your kids
• Help them find confidence through problem-solving

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AnneMoss Rogers

AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives.  She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.