Try not to do the following:

Do not weaponize or withdraw your love to achieve a goal

The first and most important—never withdraw love for the sake of trying to force your loved one into recovery, because it does the opposite. It makes your loved one feel worse, isolated, and can increase the risk of suicide.

They already hate themselves, and making them feel worse serves no purpose.

Your loved one needs to know, “As much as I want you to get well, I love you even if you don’t.”

There will be exceptions to this, like in the case of abuse and domestic violence, but for the most part, your family member or friend needs your love, and you don’t have to give money to give that. You can still love and have boundaries, too.

• As Much As I Want You to Get Well, I Love You Even if You Don’t

Get support for you

Addiction runs in families, and it is a disease that affects the whole family. Attending meetings of Al-Anon or Nar-Anon and open meetings of AA or NA will help you understand from another point of view.

You can learn a great deal about your family situation when hearing the experiences of other family members. And you can learn a great deal about alcoholism and other drug addiction from hearing from those with substance use disorder talking honestly about their slide into addiction and their recoveries.

How can you expect your loved one to go into recovery and go to meetings if you are not willing to?

Modeling the behavior of getting help even if they seem nowhere close is crucial. People are more likely to do what you do and not what you say.

• Looking at the Other Side of Addiction (my visits to NA and AA open meetings)
• It’s Not Just Their Recovery, It’s Yours, Too
• SMART Family and Friends Handbook
• CRAFT-focused groups, trainings, and books.
• Families Anonymous Meeting Finder
• Al Anon Meeting Finder
• Smart Recovery for Families Meeting Finder
• Nar Anon Meeting Finder
• NAMI Family Support Group Finder (for those who have a family member with mental illness e.g., bipolar disorder)

Get the PDF of helpful resources for Families of the Addicted

Never argue with an intoxicated or high person

Nothing can be gained from fighting with an intoxicated person, and you may be placing yourself in danger.

If you wish to make some points with the person in your orbit with substance use disorder (addiction), wait until they are sober and present it with empathy and compassion. Or if it’s come to that point where you’ve been walked over like a doormat, you can be firm once they are no longer under the influence.

A person under the influence and even those coming down after a high are not stable and do not have control over their emotions, and it will just be a pointless explosion and result in an unproductive vortex of screaming and yelling. Remember that those with SUD sometimes like to provoke a fight because it distracts everybody from their drinking and drugging. Reminding yourself to stay calm is hard, but far more productive once you master it.

Don’t feel guilty if you have to call the police to restore order in your home

You are not a bad person for wanting to place your family out of harm’s way by calling 911 or the police. Moreover, you may be stopping the person who is high from doing something dangerous to themselves.

Remember that it is the addict’s behavior that has resulted in a call for help and not your behavior. Safety is your top priority.

It’s also OK to call the police if you suspect there are illegal drugs in the home because handling certain drugs like fentanyl can be deadly for family members. And if you’ve made a rule “no drugs in the home” then you might need to show you are serious about that rule.

Remember that they often start drinking or using drugs because of low self-esteem and unbearable guilt. Then they use it because the substance use has taken their brain hostage.

By arousing these emotions, you may be contributing to their risks of drinking and taking drugs, not reducing them. They tend to use to forget, feel numb, and manage difficult emotions.

If a fight makes them feel ‘less than,’ it will likely push them to use more.

Don’t rely on “tough love,” but do set boundaries

You don’t have to be a”doormat.” Make up your mind about what you will accept and what you will not. Set realistic limits, and keep it simple!

You can set firm, loving boundaries based on the reality of the situation. For example, maybe you have a rule that you do not give your loved one with addiction any cash, and you don’t pay their bills.

Don’t threaten consequences you don’t intend to carry out. This will succeed only in reducing your credibility and in weakening the limits that you do intend to enforce.

Having rules is important as long as you keep it short and simple. But you can’t threaten someone out of addiction.

• Should You Kick Your Addicted Child Out of the House?
• Is Tough Love the Right Way to Treat an Addict?

Don’t cover up for the alcoholic/addict

Let them experience the consequences for their actions.

If you try to make things right for them, they won’t learn the lessons they need to learn or ever grasp the serious nature of their illness. So don’t call bosses, employers, or acquaintances to make excuses. Don’t pay their bills.

Don’t try to talk the addicted person into getting sober for you

Use of such ploys as “if you loved me, you would stop drinking” won’t work. Moreover, those who are addicted have to get clean and sober for themselves and not for other people.

Successful recovery starts with that individual. They have to want it or have suffered enough consequences. If you want to create an environment that helps this, look for CRAFT-focused groups, trainings, and books.

You can’t send them off to rehab to be ‘fixed’

Addiction is a family issue. You have to shift, learn, get educated, be empathic, and learn how to support someone’s recovery without trying to do it for them.

So if your loved one does go to inpatient treatment, make sure you get educated, too.

Lean into your group, read books, and don’t expect everything to be a seamless recovery.

If you can access FBT, Family-Based Treatment, I would recommend that course of therapy. It’s usually done online and they are learning as you are at the same time. If your loved one is in recovery, I would also recommend an addiction specialist, usually an MD trained in addiction medicine.

If your loved one goes into detox or recovery, make sure they get a suicide risk assessment

This can happen right before or at the facility, although many rehabs and detox facilities do not do suicide risk assessments.

• ASQ Suicide Screening Tool
• Does Addiction Raise Risk for Suicide?

Have a rough plan in case your loved one says they are ready for recovery

This is where your education is important.

Let’s say your loved one is in active addiction, not even entertaining recovery, and you are struggling with watching your loved one self-destruct.

Have an educated plan of action. Learn all you can.

Consider making an appointment with a recovery specialist to understand what a recovery plan is and map out a draft of your first moves.

You can’t map out a whole recovery plan because it’s not your recovery. You simply want to find out the options. A discussion with an addiction professional will give you a starting point.

So where are the long-term rehabs? Where are the short-term detox and rehabs? Is your loved one on a drug that has medication options after? Which ones will take insurance Medicaid? Is your loved one on Medicaid? This will help you feel less lost. Learn what helps and then find a group for you so you are modeling getting help while also finding your peeps.

I would recommend reading Complete Freedom from Opioid Addiction by Peter Coleman, MD, even if your loved one is addicted to a different drug. Definitely read the whole book, but especially the chapters below, to make a rough plan to start–>detox –> rehab –> Next step? Where are the recovery houses in your area? Will you pay for month one?

• Chapter 26—A Substance Abuse Evaluation
• Chapter 37 The Next Steps-The First 90 Days
• Chapter 54: Thoughts for Loved Ones and Families

Find out what a recovery plan is

Not that you will be the boss of it or even guide your loved one. But you will be supporting their choices. You can’t put more effort into recovery than they are willing to. It won’t work.

I learned so much from this book about what I wish I had done for my 20-year-old son, Charles, who was addicted to heroin and died by suicide in 2015.

If your loved one is in early recovery or has struggled with relapse, be willing to help them find an addiction specialist 

With their consent, go with them to the initial evaluation appointment. You can provide helpful support and learn what the specialist is recommending if you are allowed in the room, which you may not be.

The recovery plan should be comprehensive, individualized, and written down. And it’s their plan. It might be all you hoped for, and it might not be all you want, but it’s a start in the right direction.

Try not to be impatient for recovery to take place, or progress

It probably took a long time for your family to get into this situation, and it will likely take some time for really significant improvements to occur. Rejoice in small victories and give everybody time to learn and grow in sobriety.

Look for progress in all matters and not perfection.

Do the following:

• Try to learn the facts about alcoholism and other drug addiction. Keep an open mind.
• Recognize addiction for what it is— a disorder of the body, mind, behavior, and spirit from which people can and do recover.
• Try to remember that the person with addiction in your family isn’t doing this to you. This is a disease beyond willpower.
• Do not allow yourself to become obsessed with your family member. It’s hard not to let it become the center of your universe. Groups can help alleviate that urge.
• Set realistic limits and expectations, but don’t think that you can exercise complete control over the person with SUD. Change has to come from within them. They need to get sober and clean for themselves if their recoveries are to be maintained.

It is impossible to predict what will happen with an addicted person in the family. Many do an abrupt about-face and get clean and sober just when everybody was ready to give up on them.

Some, not most, will die, making it very hard not to make them the center of your universe. Do work on rebalancing that dynamic because it doesn’t serve you or your family or improve outcomes.

Education and learning how to support without controlling does improve outcomes.

If you find yourself feeling anxious, depressed, helpless, and hopeless, seek out a group, a friend who is also going through this, or a mental health professional who, in addition to expertise in mental health, has some understanding of addiction in the family. You must take care of yourself so you have a cup from which to pour.

Most family members started their own emotional growth because of their loved one with an addiction. We also learn better coping and communication skills, the ability to be grateful for small victories, and to love without trying to control the outcome.

Most importantly. Recovery is not only possible, it’s probable.

AnneMoss Rogers

AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives.  She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.