This grief pledge started as a personal list, written not long after I lost my son Charles to suicide in 2015. I created it to remind myself not to spend all my emotional energy feeling misunderstood or consumed by anger—places that, while valid, weren’t helpful to wallow in long-term.
This pledge was a way to ground myself, to move forward while still honoring the depth of my grief. I limited it to eleven, but honestly, it could go on and on, so please feel free to add your own in the comments.
The image here is from a long-ago initiative called the #griefheart project. This one is called Shredded Heart—because that’s exactly how it feels sometimes.
1. I will survive, even though I’m not sure how yet.
Because, as bad as it is now, it will never be as bad as getting the news. If I can survive that, I can survive anything.
2. I will help my friends and family understand how to support me.
They want to help, but they can’t read my mind. I won’t deny them the profound privilege of supporting me. I’ll confide in one good friend and ask them to share with others how I’d like to be supported. And as my needs change, I’ll update them.
3. I know that friends are afraid of saying the wrong thing.
But I’m going to understand that what others say, even if it’s not perfect, comes from a place of love. If the situation were reversed, I might not know the right thing to say either. I will give them credit for speaking up because that takes courage.
4. When someone says something hurtful or unthoughtful, I’ll pause before reacting.
I’ll take a deep breath and wonder what might be happening in their life that makes them so unaware. Then I’ll redirect my energy toward people who offer genuine support.
5. I will recognize that my friends have limitations.
They don’t understand, and their capacity to sit with me in my pain will vary, which is why I will seek additional support from a close friend, group, or counselor, because I am not meant to grieve alone.
6. I will respect where others in my family are in their grief process.
I won’t hide my grief to protect them, and I hope they won’t conceal theirs to protect me. We need to grieve together and talk about the person we lost.
7. I understand that my pain has a purpose.
Those agonizing moments are building blocks to emotional healing. It’s OK to let it in because pushing it away only makes things worse.
8. I will not allow someone else to “grief shame” me because I’m not bouncing back fast enough for them.
This process takes as long as it takes.
9. If I am feeling suicidal or struggling, as many do when grieving, I will reach out and ask for help.
Right now, I will think of two friends I would reach out to and two phone numbers to call.
10. I will lean into the healthy coping tools that help me carry my grief.
Whether it’s writing, walking, creating, connecting, or simply breathing—whatever helps, I will turn to it.
11. I will give myself grace.
I don’t have to get it right every day. I can wallow some days, move forward, lapse, scream, cry, laugh, be angry, and still be on a healing path. Two steps back does not mean I’m not making “progress.” Because this path is never smooth and straight, but a tangled mess of love, pain and hardship.
If you’ve been through loss, I hope you’ll share your own pledges in the comments or save this for a moment you need it most.
Coping Strategies for Grief & Loss
This is a practical guide by AnneMoss Rogers and Karla Helbert LPC with examples and handholding for those who are grieving
- Choose from over 17 coping strategies to help you manage the pain of loss
- Learn how to lessen your suffering
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
Anne, these pledges are brilliant.
We can feel as if we’re making a mess of grief, especially when it comes to our relationships with others, many of whom simply DON’T GET IT.
I think it’s important to recognie that they’re probably bringing their best game to the table! And to sprinkle GRACE around everyone, including ourselves.
Beautiful. And but often hard to see in early grief when everything makes us mad or sad. Thanks for commenting Esther.
Your grief will never end, but one day, if we allow ourselves the opportunity, we can transform that pain into something powerful that will change lives.
When we experience traumatic loss, it changes us. We can’t get back to that person because that person is gone. When we embrace the new person we have become, it allows us to move forward again.
This is so beautiful, Chris. Thank you for sharing. I encourage members here to check out Chris’s program, The Mentor Well https://www.thementorwell.com/
I remember these well and could use a refresher. How easily I fall into bad “wallowing” habits. Thanks AM. ❤️
I have to revisit them too, Gray. It’s easy to lapse into a well worn path.
This set of reminders is so well timed for me! Tomorrow is my son Alex’s second heavenly birthday and I am raw and trying to recall all the things I do when I feel like this to muddle through. Thank you for your thoughts!
Oh man. Year two. For me, year three was a profound year of healing. I started to come up for air more often. I began to find some laughter again. Much love my friend in memory of Alex.
For us also: I will remember how much we tried to help our son with severe
mental illness for a very long time, and try to not keep blaming ourselves for the “woulda coulda shoulda” thoughts and for not being even close-to-perfect parents.
We do tend to focus on the 5% of parenting we did imperfectly ignoring the 95% we do right. I get it Amy. Thanks for commenting.