Experiencing post-traumatic growth involves a transformative process, a personal emotional evolution, that can result in personal development and positive change following a traumatic event.
The popular narrative of post-traumatic growth goes something like this–someone weathers great tragedy and years later, ta-da, emerges a new person, stronger and wiser than before.
Almost all of our superhero stories have that tragedy-to-triumph theme.
Yes, you can experience post-traumatic growth
But this isn’t something that simply happens automatically because you have weathered tragedy.
You have to work at it.
You have to want it and be willing and open to taking steps to make it happen.
In other words, you need to be intentional about wanting to heal and taking that experience to help others in ways large or small.
“Post Traumatic Growth is not about shying away from pain or blocking things out, but about using it as fuel.“
It was a shock when I learned that vulnerability was seen as a strength, not a weakness
After my son’s death, my journey to finding my voice, my strength, and healing emotionally was ugly, tangled, painful, and beautiful, with multiple self-discoveries, setbacks, errors, and inflated expectations.
I had to build a toolbox of healthy coping strategies, be open to feeling my feelings, confront the imposter syndrome that often stalked me, and find support. Most of all, I had to be patient and accept that grief would be part of my existence for the rest of my life.
Mine was the loss of my younger child to suicide. Earlier trauma included a broken neck, a brain tumor, and being attacked at knifepoint to which I barely escaped rape and murder. These earlier experiences provided a foundation for dealing with the loss of my son.
Here are factors that contribute to post-traumatic growth:
1. Feeling your Feelings:
Pushing your feelings away because they are uncomfortable, denying or “numbing” them, will only keep you stuck in that ugly, raw, place for longer than you want. So you need to let those feelings in. Using a substance won’t get you where you want to go but will prolong your pain and make things worse.
Intense feelings will last about 60-90 seconds and will lift because all emotions are temporary. Once they do, get involved with another task or distraction. There will be pain in the process and set the expectation you will get through it. The secret is to not jump to distraction before feeling and reflecting on the emotion first.
2. Acceptance and Resilience
Accepting the reality of what has happened, understanding you can’t change it, and developing healthy coping strategies in the aftermath are crucial. This involves acknowledging the trauma without being overwhelmed by it.
3. Self-Reflection and Finding Meaning
This involves reflection to find a way forward by giving back. This does not have to be grandiose but can be something as simple as volunteering for a cause. You start by reevaluating priorities, relationships, beliefs, and values.
For me to find this, I had to write a lot and have faith that I would find joy in my life again. I also needed to be open to new strategies and allow myself to move forward even though that sometimes made me feel as if I was leaving my loved one behind. Sometimes I thought I didn’t deserve to move forward since my son suffered so much and his life was so short. I had to allow myself to acknowledge these feelings and permit myself to move forward into my new life of embracing mental health and suicide prevention.
4. Seek Support
There is no badge of honor for going it alone. And denying yourself connection to others who have been through the same kind of tragedy is a sign of stubbornness, not strength.
Your close relationships, and reaching out to others for support, whether through therapy or discussion groups, can help you process emotions and gain new perspectives. Finding others who have had your experience is a rich and rewarding process that helps you feel less alone and validates your feelings and experiences.
Turning Pain into Purpose: The Power of Post-Traumatic Growth
5. Find New Perspectives
Viewing the traumatic experience as an opportunity for growth rather than solely as a setback involves reframing the experience and recognizing opportunities for personal development. This is part of the evolution and might not be the way you will see your situation right away.
Suffering is part of life and there are tragedies every day all around us. A crucial step in the process of growth after tragedy is to learn to accept that you weren’t singled out when things go wrong.
6. Take Action
Actively engaging in behaviors or activities that promote growth, such as adopting healthy coping strategies (exercising instead of drinking, for example), pursuing new interests, or helping others who have faced similar challenges.
For me, this included many new experiences which included writing. Writing helped me process what was happening to me and taught me to be vulnerable and not cringe every time I was.
7. Cultivate Humility, Hope, and Gratitude
Looking for a hopeful outlook and believing in the potential for positive change despite adversity and even naming that which you are grateful for in the face of great loss is another important step in the process. Often this involves some blind faith which does pave the way to it happening.
I’m not saying to embrace toxic positivity but rather try to look at things through a different lens for your own sake, the sake of your relationships and future.
8. Integration and Adaptation
Integrating the experience into the unique tapestry of your life story and adapting to the changes it brings involves adjusting to the new circumstances and incorporating the lessons learned into daily life.
9. Patience and Self-Compassion
It’s important to recognize that growth is a process that takes time and for this, you need to be compassionate toward yourself in that journey.
Post-traumatic growth is a highly individualized process, and not everyone who experiences trauma will necessarily undergo this kind of transformation. However, these steps can contribute to facilitating personal growth and positive change after a traumatic event.
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AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
I had no idea there were actually steps you could take for post traumatic growth. I llooked it up and here I am. I’m going to try this. Why not?
Let me know how it goes and thanks for commenting.
I lost a son and am struggling to find life again. i’m trying
My heart goes out to you Rachel.
Thank you so much for your work and for sharing. You are an amazing person and are making a huge difference.
As a fellow griever of our teen son, I truly appreciate you.
I am so touched by your comment, Debbie. Thank you.
Hello again AnneMoss, thank you again for your comments and for sharing your insights. Out of most of what I read, I think (no, I know) that you are the real deal and that is why I do not mind sharing my real thoughts
In the past, when I have shared, challenged or asked questions, I often find most writers do not respond. But you always seem to find the time to respond back and to help and support your readers.
Thank you so very much for this as it is refreshing, encouraging and supportive. And I feel that I am on solid ground when I say that I believe that others will agree.
Wow, I didn’t expect that, Heath. Thank you for noticing. I didn’t know anyone did. You made my day. :)
I want you to know the comments on the blog are one of the top read items. These alone help people feel less alone and more connected. Hearing from others and from multiple perspectives is how we learn, connect, and grow. I love to hear what others think and how they resolve issues. I have often used these examples in presentations and workshops and this is what makes mine stand out and be more useful. Because they are real comments, solutions, and coping strategies from real people. And isn’t that what real people want to hear?
thank you Heath
Thank you, AnneMoss, for your comments to my own. I can see what you mean when you say that you are Grateful that Charles was not killed and then cut up by a serial killer – it is a really useful analogy. I suppose that I am just still hurting from my loss (and all the various aspects of Grief in relation to suicide) and I have read other things that just get to me with their simplicity, such as the Buddhist quote of “Grief is inevitable and Suffering is a Choice.” Such a dismissive platitude and one that I have commented on elsewhere whenever I see it. My response is “Grief is Inevitable and Suffering is Inevitable for Suffering is the price we pay when we love someone.”
I am very happy to have come across your site and for you graciously allowing folk to comment on what you write.
I neglected to say that I’m sorry you lost a partner. I think that kind of loss is so intensely lonely. Because you can’t share with the one person you’d normally share with.
You are engaging in ways to heal. At first it’s too raw to be able to sort out emotions. I felt completely underwater and cared about nothing. Everything seemed so trivial.
You are looking up things and even if they sound trite (and they are!) and they make you mad, you are making an effort to try and find your way through something that has no map. Anger is a normal part of grief. My son, Charles’s brother, was furious for a long time before he ever cried about his brother. I just accepted that this was part of his grief and listened to him. He did the same for me. It’s a tangled journey. And you’ll do what works for you when you are ready to do it. And if laughing at trite, simplistic sayings helps, then go for it. Some of that sh*t is ridiculous. The stages of grief are ridiculous. Like it’s that linear?
I really appreciate your trusting me enough to share your real thoughts.
This is a great piece and the methods suggested are useful but I do find that I have a different perspective on Gratitude.
I feel that to be Grateful, especially when a life-changing loss has occurred, such is too simplistic an antidote, same as a lot of expectations go. The concept can also be more about the other person not wanting to share the pain of the one who is in DEEP PAIN by directing them to the concept of Gratitude. When I look at the things to be grateful for, such is tinged with regret and hurt in the knowledge that such will never be a part of my life again. Gratitude should be the individual’s aspiration and not something that ONE SHOULD PRACTICE as some modern day prescription which will solve our loneliness and allied problems. Loneliness is not necessarily of the mind; it is a deep part of the loss of one’s self. When my partner died by suicide, literally a Part of the Inner me was taken. I feel liker I too died the night that I found them. Healing takes time and not a one-word Healing experience.
People tell me that I should find Gratitude but I find myself asking – WHY? For when I reflect on the loss of my love one to suicide, I think of all that we shared and then I realize that none of this will ever be shared again (even if I were only sharing with my now absent partner) nor will our life together ever be replicated.
The trouble with a lot of Grief Work is that it is often based on suggestions that have not been road tested by the one suggesting. Of course, I know that this is not the case with you given that you lost your son to suicide so please do not read this as a reflection on yourself. Apart from this, I thank you for this article as I do suffer from both Complicated Grief and PTSD issues; your article offers me some hope and window of opportunity to be eventually able to move forward in this unsought for journey
I should have said (and will probably edit to reflect) that it’s not necessarily all of these steps. I sucked at gratitude at first. I think it was a month of thinking of one thing I was grateful for before I got in a rhythm. Even then I was inconsistent, and eventually I launched my griefheart project which worked better for me. I kept at the “one thing” but every day wasn’t perfect and it was no antidote. It did open up a crack of light in my brain and allowed me to see other good things happening in my life. But I will admit I struggled mightily with this step. And my first “I am grateful for”was this. “I am grateful charles was not killed by a serial killer and cut up into pieces.” As you can see, mine were tinged with bitterness. And why would that be worse? I have not ever published this because I am embarrassed by it. It went this way for a bit. So I don’t think it’s THE formula.
Early in the process it takes a lot to find grateful so I agree that we should be gentle with ourselves. I didn’t give myself grief for doing it so poorly. I just kept trying. Thanks so much for your comment.
Gratitude has been my key.
Thank you for sharing that Joyce. It will be helpful to others.
Amazing topic! We are more resilient than we imagine <3
We think we can’t do it because it’s so overwhelming. But you are right. We can.