Toxic positivity is defined as the belief you should be happy, even if you are struggling.
Picture a person skipping through a lollipop land of shiny faces and perfect families with a basket of daisies and muffins singing show tunes. This is a beautiful world in which there are no struggles and everyone is happy all the time.
It’s a place where bacon is health food and you can eat ice cream for dinner and still look magnificent in a bathing suit.
Thanks for imagining that with me but I hate to say, this eutopia of happiness is not real.
Joy and happiness are moments you capture and savor. They aren’t permanent no matter how rich, famous, and well-connected you are.
Creating some fantasy island “happiness “don’t worry, be happy” culture in your school, home or workplace isn’t going to force people into the light but instead make them clam up and feel guilty for not being happy 24/7. We can’t cheerlead someone out of adverse circumstances but toxic positivity can certainly add to the stress and make things worse for that person and the group as a whole.
Examples of toxic positivity phrases include:
- “You can do this!”
- “Look for the silver lining.”
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “Don’t be sad!”
- “You are depressed because you choose to be depressed.”
- “It could be worse.”
- “Think happy thoughts!”
- “Look at all the things you can be grateful for.”
- Any phrase that starts with “At least…”
Toxic positivity is positive thinking on steroids.
In short, toxic positivity is fake while positive thinking is more of a personal choice.
A workplace, home, or school environment where no one is allowed to express anything but joy can lead to pushing away feelings that need to be felt.
However, if one is encouraged to stuff all the difficult emotions into a closet, they pile up and come out in ugly and unattractive ways like irritability for not being appreciated, lots of conflict, burnout, resentment, retention, and productivity issues.
Students might start cutting. Employees experience burnout and leave.
Toxic Positivity ruins how we listen
People don’t feel heard nor do they feel their input is valued. That leads to diminishing connections between peers and colleagues.
What’s more, if you don’t foster a culture of connection and belonging, people feel isolated.
The big secret is this. Employees, leaders, family members, and students perform better in environments where they feel valued, and heard. That’s an environment where people can find emotional stability and appreciation.
When a person expresses sadness and the response is “happiness is a choice,” most of us want to punch that person in the face.
What toxic positivity can do to your school or work culture
- It’s shaming. This fosters an environment where people don’t feel connected or accepted. (What does that do to retention?).
- It can exacerbate mental health problems such as anxiety or depression. This can prevent individuals from seeking the help they need.
- It prevents growth. Because toxic positivity promotes avoiding painful emotions and denies people the ability to heal emotionally.
- It discourages problem-solving. Overemphasis on positivity can hinder discussions about potential problems. When these conversations are deemed unacceptable, people don’t address challenges proactively and you lose the opportunity to find effective solutions.
- Results in drops in performance and productivity. Stress resulting from the pressure to stay positive can lead to decreased performance. Because individuals who don’t feel like you care cease to care much about the company or school they attend or work for.
- Leads to poor retention and more absenteeism. A lack of trust and loyalty leads to more absenteeism and dissatisfaction.
- It discourages authenticity. Suppression of authenticity can hinder genuine communication and connection among team members.
Let’s not perpetuate impossible standards like toxic positivity that make people feel like failures and instead create a culture that embraces and acknowledges a range of emotions. That includes encouraging open communication and valuing what others have to say.
In summary, Toxic Positivity fosters these problems in a school or work culture.
- Hiding true feelings
- Brushing off problems
- Minimizing other people’s feelings
- Shaming others for not having a positive attitude
See Mental Health Workplace Wellness Programs from Mental Health Awareness Education.
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
I am so tired of people saying, “maybe you should…..” I’m printing this out and putting it in the break room. Thank you
Send a photo! Thank you Inez
I hate that people try to cheer me up when I just need to talk.
I agree
Thank you for writing this. our work culture is constant pressure, cheerleading and pushing us to do more, more more. I’m tired of it and see the toll its taking on my mental health
I’m sorry it’s so toxic Derek. Thank you for your comment.
I can’t stand the pjrase ‘look on the bright side’!!!
I think I used to say that. But I no longer do.
Having lost my partner to suicide, I am not a big fan (if a fan at all) of the Positive Movement. A friend of my from a spiritual tradition told me that I should not be grieving as my partner was now in a better place. I responded by saying, ” Well maybe he is but I sure as Hell aren’t!”
There is apparently a Buddhist saying that goes “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” This Buddhist quote is so naïve. Unfortunately a lot is pontificated to us as somehow wise words (and many religions are full of them, no offense intended) but I personally think it is foolishness. Indeed I detest platitudes for this very reason. If I were to live by one, I would say that “Grief is inevitable and its attendant suffering is inevitable for suffering is born out of love for the one we have lost.” That is my platitude if I had to live by one.
Recently I heard a quote from a UK TV crime series (Wire in the Blood) where a priest tells his congregation that he himself once heard someone say, “When you are suffering, it is God letting you know that you are still alive.” Though I detest most platitudes and one-liners, I found his words to be somewhat comforting even if I do find myself cursing God at times. This is different as it does not deny suffering as contrarily taught in the Buddhist adage cited above. It is an example of trying to support people in their moment of need. It is not Toxic Positivity – It is Supportive Positivity, for it accepts reality without recourse to some nebulous Utopia that many people speak of. May I also add that most of the people (of the positivity camp) are speaking from a point in their life where things are evidently OK for them; they are not listening out for and hearing the pain, anger, fear, or uncertainty of the one who is speaking with them.
First, I’m so sorry you lost your partner to suicide, Heath. And I love what you’ve said here. All of it. And for someone else to dictate youor grief journey? Nonsense. Anger, blame, bitterness, joy, panic, and more emotions are all normal and all part of the process of integrating grief into your life. Thank you for sharing.
I HATE “everything happens for a reason,” but I believe its root is fear of their not being a supreme being. A majority of us are taught that God is all-knowing and all-powerful and that he works all things for good. So, where do we put an all-loving and all-knowing God into the suicide equation? Where does He fit in cancer, sexual assault, and murder of innocent people? Well, to comfort our fear that life isn’t totally under God’s control, we have to come up with a reason. Truth? Some things suck! In my mind, to point to God as the reason is to call him a sadist. I think it makes Him look just like “an abuser.” As an abuse survivor, my lens is terribly triggered by this type of “toxic positivity.” It essentially says I was chosen to bring suffrage upon because it will make me stronger or benefit someone else. Trust me when I tell you that on really hard days that doesn’t bring comfort. It feels very burdensome. It feels like: “What if I’m not strong enough? What if I don’t make a difference? Why me?” So, I like to take toxic positivity and reframe it!
“What happened to you sucked! It’s not fair. No one “picked” you to bear a cross. BUT, I believe tragedy can bring about beauty and create great purpose.”
Just how I cope. ❤️
Thank you for this perspective. It really illustrates why it’s such a toxic culture
There are cases of people who commit suicide because of problems at work and it is important to reach out to them and let them know they are not alone and there are other options.
In my case I am more of a technical specialist rather than a manager and people use me to learn all they can from me and therefore further their own technical ability. They have got no intention of working with be but want to replace me – they want my job. You really do have to keep your guard up in your career as there are wolves. It is also a good idea to keep moving job and therefore build up a long list of varied work experience so if things are bad then look for something else. Hope this helps someone who might be reading this.
Very interesting Adrianne. Thank you for your perspective. So in your industry you don’t run the risk of looking bad because you moved around a lot?
Thank you for recognizing those at risk and helping them find resources and support.
Hi Adrian
So true what you write. There are many wolves about and if we say something that is even slightly perceived as negative, these people will jump on us. Where I work I have the ability to point out negative things but I do it in a way that it doesn’t appear negative. Normally I will say something like, “It’s a pity that the floor in the canteen couldn’t be replaced as it looks pretty old now.” The Facilities Manager then says, “You are right now that this has been pointed out.I will see what I can do about replacing it” But if I said to him, “Management really needs to get the canteen floor replaced as its looking pretty old and shabby,” then I think he would respond by saying that such decisions are up to management. He would walk away with a little bit of annoyance at my words and a little less respect (if that is the right word). So we do not have to practice or buy into Toxic Positivity, rather, we just need to think carefully about how we may say things.
I would add that some workplaces have got a toxic working working environment and it is important to recognise that it is not your fault if people around you are being nasty. The higher you get up the career ladder, the more toxic it gets and people are willing to say or do whatever it takes to get themselves higher up that ladder. They do not care if they hurt you. Other people within the close vicinity of them will just follow them like sheep! Just find another job if this is the case. I have had to walk out of jobs because of this and how horrible it is – you are not alone.
Adrian- Thank you so much for your perspective and your story. I’m impressed you recognized it wasn’t your fault. The climb up does get more intense and there are few supports in place for mental health and not for upper management who might need it even more.