My son Charles is in the sound studio recording his song, Silver Lining in this photo. I do not have that recording. I only have the one he sang using an instrument microphone, unfortunately.
- Here are all the lyrics
- Rap Songs and lyrics by Charles
- Other unpublished lyrics shared in my first book, Diary of a Broken Mind
“Let go, emotions flow,
let it show and dissipate.
This world is crushing me but I lift the weight
Look at star with a different face you’ll see tomorrow
The world will be a better place.”
—Rap Son Lyrics, Silver Lining, by Charles Aubrey Rogers
We Cannot Push Someone Into The Light
Our first instinct, whether it’s with our children, relatives, friends, or co-workers is to cheerlead someone out of a bad mood, sadness, or depression and try to push them into the light with toxic positivity.
Phrases like “It will get better,” “Look at the silver lining,” “You have so much to live for!” and absolutely anything that starts with the phrase, “You should…..” merely invalidates someone’s feelings.
About a year before my son died by suicide, Charles and I were sitting on the deck outside of our home in Virginia where he and his older brother grew up. A rap video he wrote and performed had been posted online. He had shown none of his writing (lyrics) to me, although he did share some song titles. All of them were deeply personal expressions of his soul.
Maybe I would have been alarmed by the lyrics and my instinct would have been to insist on professional help. He didn’t want help, at least not the traditional kind. A tortured creative soul, he was never able to follow a path he didn’t carve himself.
What my son wanted was to feel heard
That day, I asked Charles, “Why are all your raps so depressing? (I had only seen two.) Can’t you write something more lighthearted?”
As if I could wash away his darkness and push him into the light.
That question shamed him for his pain, demonstrating a complete lack of understanding of the rap genre and what it meant to him.
I had essentially told him the darkness in his soul was too ugly to put on display. I thought my words could inject happiness and cajole him out of all this unnecessary depression. I realized immediately I’d said the wrong thing and deeply regretted it. I still do although I have forgiven myself for it. Maybe this post is repentance for that.
No wonder people are so distrusting about whom they share their thoughts of suicide with if they share them at all. Many times, when they do, they get pat responses about how they can “cheer up.”
Final Thoughts
- So be curious instead of judgmental.
- Listen more and lecture less which means asking more questions.
- Meet people where they are. You might be afraid to sit with someone in their darkness or tragedy, afraid it will rub off on you and drag you down into a cellar. But quite the opposite happens really. You feel empowered and more connected when you allow someone to feel heard without interrupting or invalidating someone’s feelings.
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
To this day, I feel I let Charles down. I often talk about spending the last moments of his life with him and all the warning signs I missed .
I even was nervous to go to celebration of life because of my guilt and how others made me feel responsible . To this day , I haven’t figured out why. I often wonder if you blame me and it’s kept me from contacting you, but I wanted to say that I am sorry.
It feels like the hurt and guilt won’t leave.
I’m so sorry you feel that guilt. I don’t know who you are but I don’t blame you. Promise. Given how you were feeling, I am honored you came to the celebration of life anyway. I would love to get together. It would be nice to know those who spent time with him near the end.
We have a 24 Hour Line where you can phone in if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or thoughts which are allied. What I personally would ideally like to see organized is maybe a buddy system where one can phone at least one other buddy / person between a given time frame which covers the early hours. These would ideally be fellow Survivors to a suicide loss who have received some form of peer training so that they learn basic person-centered skills and have been assessed for their emotional suitability (we do not want a peer person becoming too overawed by other people’s loss). It wold even be better, I think, if the two people were Buddies and had a connection together, beyond the mere “Speaking with a stranger.” Not sure if this could be done, but I personally think that there are many “Night Owls” out there who would possibly welcome the opportunity to volunteer their time with such a scheme.
At one stage, we did have a man in our support group who was experiencing dark thoughts at night and just felt that he needed to talk to someone that he knew (his wife had become too distant from his style of grieving and he to her style). As I do not go to bed before 4 am, I offered him the opportunity to call me if he felt the need. He never took it up but he did share with me that it helped him to know that there was at someone he could call if he wanted to (maybe just the knowing can help a person in such moments of pain or angst).
It is certainly tough at night as we have no distractions and if no one to call, then we begin to feel isolated. Depending where one lives and how safe they feel, I find a walk around the block can sometimes be a good distraction as I “Feel” a sense of connection to the world as opposed to the loneliness and silence of my flat. And though I phone no one, I do bend down to pat and speak with any cats that I come across or the possums in the trees. Sometimes I walk to the all-night store to buy a coffee and a doughnut. By the time that I arrive back home, I am away from the darkest of my thoughts and feel a bit more able to watch TV or play a game of Mahjong. .
This has been on my mind because one of our support group members is still struggling with the loss of his daughter and also has trouble sleeping. He offered his number and no one has taken him up on it either. I wish we had a 24/7 warmline in the state. Virginia doesn’t have a 24/7 warmline but North Carolina does. Those late hours are difficult ones and sometimes you just want to talk. I wish we had that resource, too. I’m keeping my ears open. I bet it does exist. I have not found it yet.
Thank you AnneMoss, for your comments. I have learned that very few people (very few) understand how people who survive a suicide loss, really feel. They can tell us all that they think we should know or how we should feel, but if they went through this experience, they might find themselves responding in a different way. For then they too would experience similar thoughts and feelings that seem to be felt by most survivors, such as Guilt, Shame,. Responsibility, Abandonment etc. You can describe the taste of coffee to another person, but only when they taste it themselves, will they be able to relate to your description of it being a drink that can taste akin to a burnt caramel taste (even this doesn’t do it justice). Some people may find the taste one way; others another, but they will at least be in the coffee club, as it were.
Our losses are different and our responses will vary, but in the main we will most likely share similar feelings that, when shared, will be the very thing to unite us as we seek for healing as a community of survivors. If our experiences were too dissimilar (in terms of feelings and thoughts), then Support Groups would likely fail. But they work because we hear others whilst nodding our heads in empathy and agreement.
I like your article as it highlights the need for people to try and just sit with a person’s pain – do not try to fix it, rationalize it, or downplay it. Just be with the person in the moment of where they are and not from where you sit. Another side to this is to avoid seeking explanations for these take a person from the feelings of their grief and into the mind as they “Think” how best to answer – with the Why? questions being often the worse. These comments are applicable to those struggling with their own suicidal ideation (who may not have had a loss themselves) and to the survivors of a loss as they begin to struggle with their own issues.
You asked about having anyone to talk to. The answer is No, for I feel that people will not get it. Of course, I do have the people who attend our group on suicide loss but, let’s be honest, you cannot expect these people to be there in the middle of the night when such thoughts and feelings often come visiting. That is why we need to find other things to get us through. For one thing, if I begin to think too many negative thoughts, I play Mahjong on the internet for when I do so, I often look up and half a hour has gone by. This will support me in keeping safe from a build-up of dark thoughts.
You have healthy coping strategies to try and keep yourself safe from suicide. I do worry about one of my group members who also feels lonely at night. Our crisis line is too much but wish there was a phone number that would just allot him to get it all out. I always appreciate your comments heath. They are so in target
You said, “I know that I have no control but that doesn’t alter how I feel at times.” I felt that way for a very long time. And there are still times, many years later now, when I feel that bite of regret.
There is not one person in the last 5 years of running a suicide loss support group that has come to the meeting without carrying that “coulda woulda shoulda” survivor guilt with them. And with each person, there are at least 5 loved ones/friends who have said how illogical it was to think the way we think. Which helps no one!
It’s part of the process of grief, sure. But those of us who have lost someone to suicide struggle with that “choice” part. It seems more “preventable” and we have a lot of people saying it is when in fact, it can be preventable but not always.
I am sorry your brother doesn’t understand and uses his clinician status as a shield to protect himself from difficult emotions. He simply doesn’t know how to sit with you in your tragedy. His response is maddening and we can’t change him. Treating someone this way feels so dismissive. That’s how I felt anyway. Dismissed. Like I was just some weakling woman who couldn’t let things go. I even had one person tell a friend, “She’d get over all this if she just quit talking about it.” I think it’s so sad that there are people who skate on the surface of life afraid to go too deep because they feel exposed. But that’s where true connection is made.
I am glad to hear you have a good therapist and you are supporting yourself with that resource. Do you have other people to talk to? (And you can count me.:)
I was explaining to my brother (a psychiatric nurse) how I often just didn’t want to be here anymore and that I felt it difficult to share with anyone about these thoughts and emotions. Part of the problem being that I felt I should have done more to prevent the suicide of my npartner.
He then said that people need to accept that they have no control over whether or not a person takes their life. My response was that this was not helpful and goes to show why I and others can find it difficult to share with others. He said that this was because we tend to see our loss as different to other types of loss. I explained that this is because we can often live with the thought that the person left us and we ask why. He explained his reasoning was from a clinical (and therapy based perspective). He then said that is why we have professionals as they are able to see the reality and not merely the emotional response.
I just said, “Let’s forget ever having had this discussion,” as I shook my head in disbelief.
I suppose my point is that if you are going to be clinical then that has to be coupled with wisdom in relation to the timing of its delivery. Far better to be ready and authentically person centered for then we meet the person where they are and not where we think they should be. I know that I have no control but that doesn’t alter how I feel at times.
The main discussion was about how it is difficult to share with others. His response proved my point as to why I do not (indeed feel that it is impossible to do so) share with others. On the other hand, I do find my therapist most helpful. She often says that she understands why I feel as l do for many people (clinicians included) do try to move people along in the mistaken belief that that is best for the client.
As an outsider, I cannot control a person’s life (and I would add that I think the word CONTROL is not even the correct word) but as an Insider I wonder why what we had was not strong enough to control his death. And then again, I can appreciate that he died due to a mental illness condition and yet I still have that gnawing doubt. So confusing are all these issues, thoughts and emotions.