When someone you love dies, everyone focuses on the loss of that person. That’s the Primary Loss.
When you lose your home to a flood or fire, everyone focuses on the loss of the house. Also a Primary Loss.
But what about all the losses that accompany it?
Secondary losses are the ripple effects that follow a primary loss
“Secondary” means losses that happen as a result of the primary loss, death, or trauma and it doesn’t mean they are any less impactful or difficult. In this article, we’ll be focusing mainly on secondary losses as it relates to the grieving process.
The death of a loved one—or any other major trauma—isn’t just one single, earth-shattering event. It’s a profound loss followed by numerous smaller, yet often more immediate, secondary losses.
These can include:
- financial losses
- loss of identity
- loss of emotional stability
- loss of the ability to concentrate
- loss of friends and loved ones (support system)
- loss of the future one had envisioned
- the loss of faith, dreams, or even one’s health
- and so much more
For example, if someone loses their house, they also lose the neighbors and friendships tied to that community, assets and wealth, a sense of security, and a feeling of safety.
If someone loses a child, they lose the hope of future grandchildren and the privilege of a future relationship.
Secondary losses often go unacknowledged
Even the grievers themselves might not recognize their secondary losses at first.
In my suicide loss support group, new members—like a widow, for example—often share not just the loss of their spouse but also the loss of a parent figure for their children or the loss of income, which can lead to housing or food instability.
I have an acquaintance who had to make an unfortunate rule for her spousal loss grief group. She had to be adamant that discussion of a lack of life insurance or other financial burden be excluded because it was so all-consuming, other members were not getting a chance to share and explore other aspects of their grief. (I feel given the myriad of issues with such a loss, there should be a group dedicated to the lack of finances after the loss of a spouse or partner.)
It is posited that secondary losses contribute to the loss survivor’s increased risk of suicide and the high rate of divorce post-suicide for parents who have lost a child.
After my son died, I lost something I never expected: my sense of humor
Charles loved to laugh and make me laugh, but his death took that from me. And it took years for my laugh to gradually return. Losing my laugh wasn’t a crisis, but it added to my pain and made managing adverse events more difficult since it had been a coping strategy.
Recovery from grief and trauma takes time because there are so many losses that go with it. It’s not just about rebuilding life without someone integral to your being—it’s also about addressing the secondary losses that can, in some cases, can reach crisis levels. For example, the loss of income that forces the selling of a home.
Acknowledging these secondary losses is essential for the healing process. They deserve recognition, compassion, and support—just like the primary loss.
Additional Resources:
Thank you to Olga Montgomery, LCSW for suggesting some of these resources.
Coping Strategies for Grief & Loss
This is a practical guide by AnneMoss Rogers and Karla Helbert LPC with examples and handholding for those who are grieving
- Choose from over 17 coping strategies to help you manage the pain of loss
- Learn how to lessen your suffering
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
I always learn something new from your articles. Since losing my son to suicide, I have suffered many secondary losses. The biggest one is my identity – who am I? I don’t recognize myself anymore.
Hugs to Anne!
Thank you Chano! Thank you for being a grief champion.
A loss can also develope when a person comes out as LGBT. A parent can experience the loss of their own future dreams as a grandparent and the potential loss of having grandchildren (especially years ago). And a gay person can loss their own dreams of being a parent, of getting married as it can be difficult for a person to easily declare their love for their LGBT+partner. This is one of the readons that those of the Rainbow Family mix with their own people and the Community. I would never have publicly married my partner but we were definitely committed, after a 30 relationship.
When l lost my partner, my mom had died some 2 months previously. If she had been alive at the time of his suicide, she would have lost a man that she looked upon as a son.
So loss can come in many different forms, it isn’t just limited to a death or a financial loss.
Thank you for adding that perspective, Heath.
A great article to share with people who focus on the primary loss.
When l lost my partner, l lost my home and the garden that we loved. I lost my book collection of 3000 books as l had to downsize to under 500 books be able to move into a flat. When l moved (as advised by my doctor and a psychiatrist), l lost my connection to the neighbours and local shop keepers. I experienced a huge financial burden and hence a financial loss. My identity as part of a couple was now lost. Many friends that l knew through my partner now moved on from my life. And the life that l once took blissfully for granted was now lost. And moving meant losing things that my partner and me had bought together, such now had to be discarded from my life. ALL HUGE LOSSES INDEED. And yet people said that these were just “things” and had no real importance.
An understanding of Secondary Losses is very important for people to take on board. A lack of such an understanding can add to our loss.
Lastly, a loss to suicide can impact us greatly as we loss our sense of peace with the world that we once knew.
This is a wonderful example. I am presenting on this, and I will read this so people understand. Because I need to share other examples, not just my own. Thank you so much Heath. I know your comments get read, and it provides some sense of validation and peace for others who have survived a major loss.