My son Charles is on the left in the photo above. His friend Rowan is on the right. My younger son, Charles died by suicide at age 20 in 2015 and Rowan died by suicide at 24 in 2021.

Rowan was at my house many times after Charles died providing warm hugs. His mother and I are friends. And I was the first phone call she made after she found him.

Prior to My son’s death, Charles had lost a friend to suicide two years before and was devastated. His name was Cal. He wrote many songs about this death to work through the grief. But Charles rarely talked about it openly.

There is a thing called cohort suicide

Contagion or cluster is a group of suicides that happen around the same time in the same geographical location. Cohort suicide is the risk of suicide and related adverse outcomes after exposure to suicide. Cohort suicide is more about exposure and how it affects that person going forward. It can happen years and even decades after the exposure.

Friends and even kids who barely knew the person their age who took their own life are at greater risk of suicide.

We are talking about that outer layer of empathic kids, close friends, and just those in a particular grade who have been struggling, sometimes in silence for years, and are activated by the event.

Why does a suicide of a friend raise the risk for others in that environment?

We don’t know for sure but many experts posit that after exposure, it becomes another tool for coping. Unfortunately, people who struggle are afraid to say anything because they might be ridiculed as “weak.”

Talking about suicide doesn’t “give someone the idea” but offers those who struggle an invitation to ask for support.

However, being exposed to suicide in a school, community, or family appears to raise risk according to those who manage the aftermath of school or community suicides.

All that translates to having more conversation, giving those who struggle more opportunities to tell. Because they WANT TO TELL. And for those in the community, we need you to recognize signs others might otherwise overlook. Because 86% of those who struggle will tell a regular person, someone with no mental health training. And I want you to know that if you can listen, you are qualified.

Do I think my son’s suicide was a contributing factor to Rowan’s?

I do. By the time Rowan died, he had been to more funerals in his short life of 24 years than I’d been to in my life. The funerals Rowan attended were mostly for friends with whom he went to therapeutic boarding school, most of whom died from a drug-related death or by suicide.

I’m not blaming myself. There is certainly not anything I can do about how my son died. Hiding it would not have helped but merely perpetuated stigma. However, we need to have heightened awareness if our child is exposed to suicide in a school community especially since they are more vulnerable when it comes to the actions of their peers.

And we need more people, friends, parents, teachers, employers, aware of the signs. Because afterward is a difficult time to realize all the signs you missed.

And if someone you know is struggling?

Listen! Because the greatest gift you can offer another human is to allow them to feel heard. Without judging. If you don’t know the next steps, call a crisis line TOGETHER or alone if together is not possible, to help guide you. 988 in the US or 741-741 crisis text line in USA and Canada.

Listening and connection are the foundation of suicide prevention. Intervention, asking if someone is thinking of suicide, and having a conversation lowers the risk. Ignoring your gut and moving away for fear that you are “not qualified” raises risk.

Your job is not to fix all their woes but just be there with them in their darkness. So work through your own fears and help someone save their own life.

AnneMoss Rogers

AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives.  She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.