The following could also be applied to a situation of self-harm, another serious issue, or a crisis.
If your son or daughter is getting a daily earful from a struggling friend, hats off to your child for listening. Let’s assume your child is distraught, doesn’t know what to do, and they share this information with you. Your child can’t solve this, and neither can you, and it might be that it’s gone on for a while.
You are not helpless. You can do something, and you should.
By now, you can assume that something is gravely wrong in this child’s life. As an adult, you need to act and tell someone. It’s best to do that with your child or young adult present if possible.
You can also call 988 together with your child and ask them for the next steps to take in your area. Calling 911 is usually not the way to go unless the threat is imminent, and that child shared a plan, and it is soon.
You might call the school counselor and alert them of what you know, together with your child. You want them to learn from the process, no matter how difficult and awkward it is. Below is a script for calling and talking to a parent. I know this is the last thing you want to do.
A Conversation with the school counselor might go like this
This is simplified but gives you an idea of what to say. If your school doesn’t have a school counselor, you may need to contact the school nurse.
The Mom: “Mrs. Caleb, my daughter tells me you are the school counselor. She has shared concerning news about a student and has something she needs to share with you about Adam Jones, a Junior.”
The Daughter: “Adam told me he has been wanting to use his father’s gun to kill himself. He asked me not to tell, but I am worried. He’s been talking to me for a week now and I should have come sooner but I’m coming now. I know this was something I needed to tell.”
If that option is not available because, for example, it’s the middle of the summer, you don’t have a late-night number for a school counselor, in which case, you might need to reach out to the parent. If you have any doubts, let me ask you this–If your loved one was talking to someone about their thoughts of suicide, would you want to know before a suicide attempt, or after an attempt, or death?
Here’s how that conversation might go.
“Mrs. Jones, your son Adam told my daughter something I think you would want to know. He admitted he has been struggling with thoughts of suicide. He asked her not to tell but this is life or death. We both struggled with sharing this difficult news, and I feel awkward, but I knew this was something I’d want to know.”
If your child is also on the call, she can explain what he said and express how worried she is. This legitimizes the conversation.
It’s also crucial that there is discussion about securing the weapon if there has been talk about that. If it’s a firearm for example, that parent can lock it up or see if another licensed firearm owner would hold onto it for a while until things settle. Research has shown that removing access to lethal means (firearms and certain substances) does reduce the risk of suicide.
Next steps?
You can let the adult you are talking to what next steps might be since they will likely be overwhelmed.
You aren’t an expert, and neither is this parent.
But you can suggest they reach out to the school counselor, call 988, and text that number together with that parent, so they are not alone. No one needs to be an expert. You simply want to be a bridge to help that person get the help they need.
The likely next step for the child struggling might be a trip to the ER, an over-the-phone or telehealth suicide screening, and suicide risk assessment (C-SSRS) to figure out the risk, and then a safety plan. A later step might involve a psych evaluation to determine if there is depression or some other mental health condition.
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
Hello. My daughter and her BFF are 14. They are both homeschooled, so a school counselor is not a possibility. The young lady’s family is seriously dysfunctional, and said child has already expressed her desire to end her life. She was shamed, and called selfish and spiteful. I dont know that talking to her parents wouldnt actually make the entire situation worse. Are there any other ways you might suggest to go about helping this young lady?
You are right. I don’t think this child’s parents would be helpful. I am going to trust your instincts on this.
First, thank you for wanting to help. You didn’t say who was homeschooling the two young ladies. But I can say that you can do a couple of things even though you are not a professional. Because to be honest more tell normal people than a therapist anyway. You can’t save her but you and your daughter can help her save her own life.
So I would suggest asking her outright about her thoughts of suicide. Start by asking her what’s going on with her and say you are willing to listen without passing judgment, without giving unsolicited advice. The most important part is the listening. Allowing her to feel heard and seen. Most but not all the time that is what helps someone.
Then ask the question something like “oftentimes when someone is being put down all the time they think about suicide. Are you having thoughts about killing yourself?” That’s just an example because you would base it off what she has told you. If she hesitates or says yes that’s a yes.
Next ask her if she would put some numbers in her phone. The warm line in your area if you have one (look it up at warmline.org) and the 988 the crisis line and 741-741 which can be a crisis but also can be when she is feeling anxious.
Then finally ask if she will do a safety plan with you. I will post a link and you pick one and do the best you can. She may not say something for each one but record what she is willing to share and revisit it later once she has thought about it more. The “reasons for living” are the most important.
On this page (link below), I have a lot of safety plans. Scroll to the picture of the one for Jean. Use the one that is an example on the page “safety plan for Jean.” Just copy the headings. You can write it on an index card or paper. But this one has reasons for living which I think is critical. You can say you haven’t done this before but you know it’s important. She is important you and your daughter. Would she trust you to help her with this? Let me know if that’s clear. Ot if there are other circumstances. Thank you for caring.
https://mentalhealthawarenesseducation.com/suicide-safety-plan-templates-and-examples/
This is SO good! Thank you.
Thank you. I figured I need to start sharing some of my scripts!