Isolation can be a sign of depression, a relapse into addiction, or even suicidal thoughts. When someone suddenly “disappears” or stops responding, it’s easy to assume it’s something you did—but more often, it’s about what they’re going through.

They may not have the energy to engage, may fear judgment, or simply be sinking into despair. Ghosting is often their way of coping—not rejecting you, but retreating from the world.

This is my first cousin holding his son. (I blurred the child for privacy.) Would you guess he was depressed? He was starting around this time.

Some 2-3 years after this photo, he missed our annual holiday gathering and made an excuse.

Then, six months later, he didn’t show up to the family picnic at my house—and this time, he didn’t even reach out. That wasn’t like him.

So I reached out

Not in an angry or accusatory way, but in an empathetic way.

The last time I saw him, he had lost a significant amount of weight, and not the good kind of weight loss. He said he’d been running, but he was a heavy smoker, so my husband and I doubted that. He climbed the short stairs to my house, and he was panting—not exactly the breathing I’d expect from a runner.

After he missed the picnic at my house, the second family gathering, I called him on the phone. I said how unusual it was not to see his fun self at family events. He NEVER skipped them. Something was going on. This, after all, was the guy who was the first to show up after my own son’s suicide in 2015. He always attended family events.

He admitted he had been depressed

Before I asked him if he had been depressed, we talked for a while. Well, I listened and asked questions.

He had gone through a divorce, and he had demonized the ex-wife, leaving out a lot of details we’d find out about later that would have certainly had me thinking about ending a marriage. But I loved him and just listened without challenging him at that point, understanding he was still hurting. And despite their being apart, they still loved each other.

Once he admitted to being depressed and having remembered from conversations with other family members that his alcohol consumption had increased, I asked the question of whether he was thinking of suicide.

He waited too long to answer.

Even though he said “no,” I now know to take that long hesitation as a “yes.” He would suicide 6 months later in January of 2020.

At first, I went through those coulda woulda shouldas. But today I understand I can’t do it for another human. All I can do is help someone save their own life.

My point? All people wear a mask

But men, especially. Not all men who have depression are suicidal, and not all those who are suicidal have depression.

To illustrate a “mask,” here is a photo of my son where the camera captured the group smiling–my older son (far left), Charles, and the two roommates. I took a camera “burst,” and the second photo shows how his mask slipped.

Maintaining a mask to hide one’s real feelings is exhausting. Many who’ve lived with depression have told me so. And Charles’s song lyrics he wrote as something of a journal, revealed that when I read them after his death.

What should you say or do if your loved one is isolating? One, don’t take it personally. It’s not about you. Next think about what they might be going through.

Don’t let your head talk you out of what you know in your gut

You can say something like, “I feel like you might be withdrawing. I know it’s been hard for you with the divorce and I’m here to listen. I’m not going anywhere. Please share what’s going on. I promise I won’t try to fix, but I want to hear you.”

If necessary, make a coffee or lunch meeting. (Beer meetings are not great if you suspect they might be depressed.)

Eventually, you can simply ask, “Sometimes, when people isolate and go through a divorce, they are struggling with suicide. Are you thinking of suicide?”

If you live in the USA and get a “yes,” call or text 988 together, if possible. Explain the situation, and ask about next steps. Usually, the next step is a suicide risk assessment to see how imminent the threat is at that time. It’s hard to fathom that someone would be thinking about killing themselves. And the only way to find out is to ask directly.

This post is in memory of my funny, fun, first cousin with whom I hand-cranked homemade peach ice cream as a child.

How to Recognize Symptoms of Depression

• For those who are curious about their own symptoms 
• For those who love someone they suspect may be living with depression
• Signs you’ve read about and signs that are less talked about w/ examples
• What loved ones can say/do to be supportive plus resources

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AnneMoss Rogers

AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives.  She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.