Some relationships are good for your mental health. And some relationships erode your mental health.
All abusive relationships are toxic and abuse can manifest in different ways, including emotional, verbal, economic, sexual, and physical. When we keep trying and trying and the other person responds with manipulation, malice, and repeated bad behavior and fails to meet us halfway, it may be time to disengage.
Notice I said disengage. You don’t want to make a vengeful move but to simply extract yourself as best you can. Sometimes that’s not easy if it’s a domestic violence situation or the person feeds off your despair or their power over you. And of course if there is financial dependence, it can make it very difficult and frightening.
Signs that a relationship is toxic include
- feeling drained instead of fulfilled
- frequent put-downs
- physical or verbal abuse
- a persistent situation where your needs are deemed less important
Ask yourself does this relationship make me feel bad instead of good? Do you feel unsupported, misunderstood, demeaned, or attacked? Are you being emotionally, psychologically, and even physically threatened or attacked? Will the person attend therapy with you to try to work things out?
Severing a relationship can a painful and difficult process even if it was terrible
It might be your mom who abused you yet you want to hang onto the relationship hoping she will see the light, change, and give you the love you deserve. The relationship could be with a sibling who is a covert narcissist and responds only by lashing out at you, or with a spouse who has beaten you either physically or psychologically. It’s hard to break away sometimes for any number of reasons from financial to emotional.
One acquaintance of mine said her therapist would not treat her anymore if she didn’t sever ties with her family which had been the source of extensive trauma, neglect, manipulation, and cruelty over decades.
Daria (not her real name) wasn’t progressing in therapy and what the therapist kept bumping up against was some outings with her family and the abusing uncle who was always invited despite Daria telling her mom of the sexual abuse decades ago. Every outing sent Daria into suicidal mode and weeks of agony. It was not an easy move and it took nearly a year to separate herself.
On the other hand, I wouldn’t advise cutting off your family because they were imperfect
Families are usually bumpy, lumpy, imperfect, and quirky. I’ve seen people blame parents as a way of escaping their own issues. Some moms, dads, or siblings had a mental health issue and little support and had little control over their behavior but are being treated now and better able to manage a relationship. Estranged children are likely to lose access to financial and emotional resources. Such cutoffs can also harm family members left behind, like siblings, grandchildren, and aging parents.
The key is to determine if the relationship is unhealthy or healthy. Are there ways to work towards a change? Perhaps it’s a case of more distance and less time spent instead of a complete breakoff?
How Do you Move Away from a Toxic Relationship?
- Expect a grief process. You may still have love for the person despite being mistreated.
- Seek help when needed (therapist, attorney, law enforcement, friends, groups)
- Build a support system
- Accept there are some things you cannot change
Other resources and articles
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
Letting go of a toxic relationship is one of the hardest things to do. You keep replaying moments in your head – wondering what went wrong. But healing starts when you stop blaming yourself and start focusing on your own peace.
I have just had to be really strong and take myself out of a relationship with my niece who is extremely toxic. I offered her part time work but two weeks in, she started arriving from between 2 to 4 hours late. On Monday last week I explained that she needed to arrive as per her usual hours. She lost it and became really angry and told me to F…Off and not hassle her. Then she walked off so I had to work 6 pm to 5.30 am to complete the required work.
The following day she was given a week’s notice and finished up on the Friday.
I am not going to overlook this, yet again arrogant attitude and aggressiveness, and pretend it didn’t happen. Eventually she will contact me and make her insincere and lame apology but this time I will be breaking the relationship with her as I really do not see it changing. She does this with most people and then blames them for not mixing with her. Maybe by doing this, she will begin to see that her behaviour is causing problems.
Great article and one that we should all read with care and attention
Thank you for that example Heath. I have a relative I have had to end a relationship with. At some point I just can’t be a doormat.
You laid out your expectations and you are right. Perhaps one day she will make a sincere change and it sounds like if you see that you will cautiously entertain a possible reconciliation. But until then….
This is a really good post Anne as many people do not always realise how vulnerable they are to the evils of other people. People naturally think of relationships as just being between two partners but the scope actually extends to,
– parents
– siblings
– friends
– work colleagues
– neighbours
– managers at work
Every day can be a fight and if someone is feeling vulnerable then I suggest trying to imagine drawing an impenetrable force-field around you and only you can decide who you let close to you or not. You need to protect yourselves from the sharks that will always be circling until you have the strength to fight them off.
That’s an interesting metaphor and way to think about it. Thank you for sharing it.
Generally I think most people are good. But I do have a sixth sense and I have learned to listen to it when it comes to people siphoning my energy for their own gain.
I am sure you will agree Anne that one very important key to maintaining good relationships is ‘clear communication’. We all have to do our bit to maintaining the right relationships in this life. People should be 100% clear with other people and not expect them to read between the lines etc. If they feel like they are in a bad relationship then they should tell the other person that they are not happy and clearly ask them to go away rather than leave them guessing and assuming. If somebody was off with me that I would give them the benefit of the doubt but if they clearly asked me to go then I would go.
Clear communication is very important. But in my case, I was unable to communicate with my toxic relative. It was simply a constant barrage of being cussed out, yelled at and no salient conversation. I did try multiple times. But it digressed into the other party namecalling. So whenever possible, the attempt needs to be made.
Your relative sounds just like how my sister was with me. It does hurt when you are the kind of person who always tries your best to get on with everybody but then you have this horrible person close to you. When I read about the rift between prices William and Harry, it reassures me that such difficulties exist everywhere and even for those at the top.