If someone is drowning and you have the necessary training, you can dive in and rescue them, saving their life. If you run into a burning building and carry someone out, you have saved their life.
Suicide is different.
When it comes to a suicidal crisis, it isn’t a traditional rescue mission. We can’t simply talk someone out of suicide or remove the thoughts that are causing intense brain pain. It’s far more complicated than that.
Yes—sometimes there are moments of immediate danger. You might grab someone who is about to leap from a bridge. You can help make an environment safer by temporarily removing access to lethal means, such as keeping firearms away from a vulnerable individual until the crisis passes.
But most of the time, we can’t save someone from suicide.
What we can do is help someone in suicidal crisis save their own life.
Suicide Is Sometimes Preventable—But Not Always
Suicide can be preventable, but not in every situation.
We cannot control the actions of another human being. We also cannot control the intrusive thoughts that cause overwhelming psychological pain—pain that can lead to death by suicide.
We have zero control over that.
If people experiencing suicidal thoughts could simply stop them, they would. No one asks for these thoughts. No one wants them. And some brains are more biologically or psychologically predisposed to them than others.
All we can do is the best we can.
And that is all you can ask of yourself.
What Helping Actually Looks Like
Helping someone save their own life is not about fixing them; it’s about empowering them. It’s about:
- Listening
- Providing steady support
- Seeking to understand rather than judge
Most of the time, these efforts work. Far more people attempt suicide than die by suicide. Listening matters. Support matters—often more than we realize.
Finding what helps means figuring it out together. For some people, suicidal thoughts are a one-time event. For others, they surface intermittently. More rarely, they are chronic.
Listening means leaning in and allowing another human to feel truly heard. It means resisting the urge to lecture, minimize, or offer unsolicited advice.
Someone in crisis does not need to hear:
“You know, I gave up sugar and feel great. You should try that too.”
They need presence. Validation. Connection.
“Tell me what’s going on. I’m listening…..”
For Suicide Loss Survivors: About the Guilt
Suicide loss survivors often struggle deeply with guilt. That’s a normal part of the grieving process. We replay moments and convince ourselves we should have saved the person who died.
The truth is this: we cannot control another human being—their thoughts, their feelings, or their actions.
You can do everything right and still lose someone to suicide.
But here’s the part we rarely acknowledge.
How many times in the past might something you said or did help someone save their own life—without you ever knowing it?
When we focus only on the one moment that slipped through the cracks, we deny ourselves grace. We fail to give ourselves credit for the unseen moments when our presence, care, or listening may have made a difference.
Walking with someone through a suicidal crisis is not a guarantee.
But it is powerful.
And sometimes, it is enough.
Recovery is not only possible, it’s probable.
See AnneMoss’s Keynote Topics and Suicide Prevention and Postvention Topics
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
On October 14, I dreamed a lot about suicide as a problem within society.
In my dream, a doctor who advocated for many years against suicide and called for less condemnation and more prevention…..he eventually took his own life. People who were Survivors to a loss, then condemned him as being a hypocrite for advocating against the taking of one’s own life. As I heard this, I reflected on my own loss and so I cautioned them about being so judgmental.
“We don’t know if he struggled for years and thus his advocating against suicide may have been the very thing that brought him up to this point in his life. His advocating may have kept him alive so that he lived and the people who cared for him were spared the pain that his loss will now invariably cause. We know that pain…so let’s not judge him as a hypocrite but as one whose message may have saved others.”
These were the words that I used within the dream.
Like you say, how many times has what we have said become a strength for others?
We can only support a person and hope that it is enough. But sometimes it isn’t enough and though we may feel guilt. If we can sit back and reflect a little, then maybe we will begin to appreciate that we did the best that we could with the knowledge and skills that we had at that moment in time,
This is my one wish for those who struggle with such guilt.
This is so lovely, Heath. And think about the woman who started the semi colon movement. That nonprofit was what kept her alive. Until it didn’t. No one who hasn’t had those persistent thoughts can really understand how hard it is to fight them especially for years if it’s chronic. I haven’t experienced them. But I know that’s how others have described them and I believe it. Because I have listened to lots of stories. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you Anne for the resources and your experience with this subject.
I carry an implicit experience of the pull to end my life. It came at a time when I felt the overwhelm of hopelessness. Interesting because as a therapist I did know the signs however didn’t really know the ‘pull’ to complete ..how strong that was.
What changed for me was a ‘mind flip’, I recall thinking, ‘I would destroy my life because my perception was that no-one cared enough to see me, and what I was experiencing’ I felt so alone, so isolated withing myself. (The reality was a layering of differing perceptions/experiences…I was expecting other to make me feel acceptable/approved of). This needed to come from me! I needed to know how to value the unique person I was.
However, I had set this up from a very young age when my experience as a child was being humiliated, feeling disgarded. I vowed from the age of 4 years old never to trust anyone. I would do life myself. Well as you know, at 4 years old you don’t have enough lived experience to know that there ‘is’ more than the limited experiences of family of origin.
I am so grateful for the faith and the ongoing dedication I gave to myself, despite the judgements from others. My years of intra-personal work allowed over time, an appreciation of self and the human condition when minimized and thrown into survival mode.
Thank you again for you time and wisdom in what you give.
This is insanely valuable because you tell us the hardship, the help, healing and hope here in just these few paragraphs. This is how I learned more. From those with lived experience. And most describe the intense pull like you do. Surprisingly strong and convincing. Your self awareness is incredible and I credit that that for helping you out of the darkness. Thank you so much for sharing.
This post arrived right when it was needed. After the Reiner tragedy, I feel the weight of shared grief.
With the holidays nearing and so much pain around, may I share your article on my website? I believe it would gently and honestly resonate with those who are hurting.
As always, thank you for your meaningful work❤️
Thank you for saying by that. And of course do share!