After my son’s death by suicide, I had all this love with nowhere to land. Where do I put it all?
There are still days when I feel my former self is on a shelf in another life. My new life, the one I never wanted, started after my son’s death in 2015.
While it’s not as often as it once was, there are times I sit with an undercurrent of loss that zaps my energy and motivation. I am writing about it to process and work through one of those episodes. You all are my victims in that exercise.
I know another day it will all be different. That I will feel differently.
But there are days when everything takes so much and I don’t have the bandwidth.
That’s the thing about emotions.
They are temporary and always changing and that reminder to myself has helped me feel the feelings and then distract– which usually means I go outside, make a phone call, or read a book. Or the ultimate–a dance party with my dancing music playlist.
At our suicide loss support group for which I am a co-facilitator, one of our members said, “I can’t believe this is my life.” He had lost his daughter. I lost my son.
It’s like this group member was reading my mind the second I was thinking the very thing he said. It was a remarkable moment of connection.
It’s nice to have a safe place to go where it’s OK to be sad
A safe space is where no one avoids you or gives you some sideways advice to “talk about it less,” or “don’t worry, be happy.” This is a place where people don’t try to cheer you up but instead know to sit with you in your pain as you work through it–others who understand. And yeah it’s OK to laugh, too. That happens a lot.
Other bereaved people have also talked about how hard it is to put on the game face because when we talk about our loss, it sucks the energy out of the room and people avoid us and that makes it even harder.
It’s exhausting to consistently monitor oneself, “Am I sharing too much?”
A brief conversation about our loved one is so appreciated and doesn’t bring everyone down but instead deepens connections. Those conversations are often short, they lead to other conversations about other things. If we are talking about it too much it’s usually because we don’t feel heard. That happens when someone consistently steers the conversation away from the topic due to being uncomfortable. I’ll often think of the line below and laugh to myself in those circumstances.
“Sorry to interrupt your beautiful life with my tragedy.”
Just know that one moment in time when someone else mentions our loved one, tells a story, or says, “You know that time Charles did such and such,” leaves us feeling our loved one existed and mattered. It makes us feel our loved one’s connection to family and friends is still valid and remembered. Otherwise, it feels like our loved one is being erased. That’s all it takes but we find ourselves hoping for that and rarely getting it.
That lethargic undercurrent does become a distant memory as our life moves forward
Not that we are done with it because we have learned to live with grief in our lives.
For those of you living the traumatic loss, it’s OK to feel resentment that you won’t get those life moments you had always thought you would.
Some days the grief makes me feel that connection with my son, Charles. I can look at pictures, cry, and feel his presence because I have learned to love him even though he is a spirit now and not physically with us. Over time my relationship with my beloved dead has evolved. Because my love never ends until my own heart stops beating.
I shot the video below a few years ago when I went to a wedding. I was unprepared for how it would hit me.
AnneMoss Rogers is a leading wellness and suicide education expert and one of the top mental health speakers and suicide prevention speakers. Known for her powerful, motivational keynotes, AnneMoss combines her personal story of loss with proven strategies to help organizations build a wellness culture that drives results and saves lives. She speaks at conferences, workplaces, K-12 schools, and universities, delivering impactful presentations that inspire change and promote mental health awareness.
AnneMoss does this work in memory of her son, Charles, who struggled with anxiety, depression, and addiction, and died by suicide at age 20 in 2015.
Anne, thank you so much for your article. Everything you said in the article I have gone through. I lost my daughter and my unborn granddaughter almost 2 1/2 years ago. Sometimes when I talk to someone about them, they have a look like oh no here she goes again. And like you said, sometimes I wonder am I talking too much about them but also wanting to be heard. Thank you for taking the time to let us know that we are not alone. I am truly sorry for your loss.
Oh Diane, two losses at once. So devastating. I’m so sorry. I ended up going to a grief group where no one gave me the side eye for “saying too much.” You find out the people to whom you can talk and those who have a limited bandwidth. By now I’m sure you have identified the right people. But it is frustrating we even have to monitor our conversation and hide under it sometimes. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I just had my son’s birthday on the 13th of March. The day just made my heart ache. I know he’s at peace but will I ever get there? I’m so conflicted and sad. I put in for the Focus Group. Maybe I’ll find a new path.
I’m so sorry, Darlene. This is so hard. It won’t be this sharp and painful forever, especially since you are looking for ways to heal and move forward. Thank you for applying to the focus group.
100% agree. People are hurting and they can say the wrong thing, shut down their emotions, pull away from us, not mention the person who was lost and so on. Sometimes in our own grief we can forget that others grieve too, and in their own unique way, just as we do. To keep our relationships strong, we somehow need to find the strength to step aside and respect their grief (but boy is it hard to do so). How difficult this is. I have found that the best way is to be honest and tell people how I am feeling, and then to invite them to share back with me. But sometimes the wrong things are heard by me and so I do find myself becoming hurt or angry and I push these people aside – but I am learning better how to navigate my loss in relation to others. And I have learnt to not always share as some folk lack the emotional inteeligence to relate to what I may say.
It’s a shame we have to teach others what to do and say. I created a worksheet to help highlight what should be discussed between friends. Not that two friends would necessarily pull out a worksheet. But it does help you focus on where those needs might be. Because the friends and family aren’t sure what to do.
It’s a pity we have to be the ones to educate them in our state of mind at the worst moment of our lives.
For those relationships that are important to us, we have to figure something out. And Heath, you’ve taken that step by being honest which is not easy to do. And you are right, things are misheard.
This is the worksheet in case in helps someone. https://annemoss.com/wp-content/uploads/friends-and-family-worksheet-general-grief-fillable.pdf
In situations like this it is important to acknowledge that it is tough for ALL involved and not to push anyone away who you should be bringing closer. When life goes terribly wrong then sometime the only thing that you can do is ‘pick up the pieces and start all over again’. The pieces that you decide to pick up and start again with are completely your choice however. If you could go back in time but were only given two options, which would you pick from,
a) a time before your child was born
b) a time before you met your husband
The choice you picked above will answer your question – where should you be focusing your love now? Do you still love your husband enough to rebuild your lives together or do you need to completely reset your life now with a new husband. Your husbands would have been somewhat pushed out of scene when the kids come along and he is no doubt desperate to get more involved with you again. If that is OK by you then give him your love and if not then be honest with him and let him go and give him a chance to rebuild his life with someone else.
I am speaking from experience as someone who has unsuccessfully been battling to hold together a broken marriage and the truth is it was just wasted time for all. Whilst you are crying at night for your lost child he is also crying, not just for his lost child but also his lost wife. If you still have some spare love and want to share it with him then use it to learn to love him again.
Thank you for your perspective. I think it’s important to understand our loved ones are hurting and they, too, are afraid to break down and cry in front of us, in front of anyone. They are often in shock and also catatonic.
I really appreciate your comment.
Once again, I enjoy your honesty. Zachary did exist. He did matter and any such chance I get to say that is a good day. It’s so frustrating when everyone avoids talking about him when it’s all I have left. Past memories. Good times. His laugh. His hugs. So painful. But every day I feel the grip of depression loosen. That’s what I’m working for. Not letting depression rule my life.
I’m using this soon! I want others to understand.
“It’s so frustrating when everyone avoids talking about him when it’s all I have left. Past memories. Good times. His laugh. His hugs.”
Anne Moss – thanks for this one. Having a very hard time caring for two parents – one with Alzheimers and the other with physical disabilities and depression. I am losing hope fast and feeling like there’s nothing happy left to come. This was a good pep talk. I, also, can’t believe this is my life. So many weddings and babies. My friends are consumed with their children and grandchildren.
Love you.
Gray- We need to schedule a lunch date.
This is such a poignant article that needs to be read and absorbed and more so by those who do not appreciate, let alone understand, our loss.
Some days are good but then other days not so. This week is my 60th birthday and whilst family and friends want to celebrate it, I am hurting inside as I sit here with my partner now gone. I really thought we would be together for a lot longer time than this.
Birthdays are so hard. At first for me, they were harder than the anniversaries. Now it’s a toss-up and I know I just have to go with the flow but planning something is good even if you don’t do it last minute. Which is your right.
If you can, get with one person to talk about the event. Maybe you want your partner mentioned, for example, to swap some stories for a few minutes at least. Or for everyone to write on an index card one memory about your partner. If you talk to one person, they can communicate with the others. Because they don’t know what to do. And sometimes, we the grieving have to share with them what to do.
I do agree with all the ideas you have talked about here. I feel the same way.
Sigh. Thanks for commenting Joanie.
Anne, your post came today when I needed it. Your expressed feelings captured mine, especially the comment, ‘Sorry to interrupt your beautiful life with my tragedy.’ I feel that way with friends now, and have distanced myself for self preservation. I feel so not heard when I mention my son, Jason’s, name and share an experience. They nod their heads and continue their happy talk. I’ve gotten up at times and just left. I’m so sorry, Anne. Our boys are at peace. They are. Finding ours is a long, hard journey. They are with us in spirit. But it’s not enough! Thanks for what you do. ❤️☮️
It’s so frustrating isn’t it? Share the post on social. That’s what I would do after I wrote it. And then some of my friends started to get it.
Dear Susan, sorry for the loss of your son, Jason. It is so true and sometimes it can be really awkward. My sister lost her firstborn son in a freak and tragic car accident about 12 years ago. When I try to share something about my partner who died by suicide two years back, she will then share something about her son, then my partner is cast aside.
As my partner died by suicide and her son by a car accident, people tend to involve themselves with her loss and carefully move away from my loss. I have a couple of friends that do not know her but they knew my partner and so I share stories with them.
People fall to appreciate just how lonely our loss can be and the strong need that we have to be able to talk about things as a means of healing and to keep our love ones alive and not forgotten. And so, like you, I get up and walk away, still with pain in my heart and a profound sense of isolation.
I agree.