I have asked myself this question so many times since selling my digital marketing business in 2017 and going full-time into mental health speaking, training, education, and consulting. I know now that this is just one of those statements that indicate frustration.
It means I need to take a break.
But why do I feel this way every other week about something I’m so passionate about?
This is a high-rejection subject which can take its toll
I did know that going in.
Fortunately, there is more demand now and I’m definitely booked and busy but there are still so many roadblocks and work to get past those roadblocks like school and university politics, lawyers who think that doing nothing is “safer,” myths, stigma, and the belief that talking about self-harm, substance misuse, or suicide “teaches” students these habits.
News Flash– It’s already part of their culture. They are already talking about it. And if they are, so should we. Many times, one administrator will be all in and then other higher-ups block the effort or put it on hold.
That means it’s hard to get the satisfaction of accomplishment.
Then there’s the telling and retelling of my story over and over
I change it up. I insert new stories that make me smile. Let’s face it, the outcome is still the same. My child is still dead and I miss him.
The consulting and training have helped alleviate that. But nothing has helped more than the audience’s willingness to share themselves.
Yeah, I’m talking about the now-famous index cards. Because after, when I experience that emotional crash that is inevitable, I pull out the cards. I recognize the signals and that’s the time to savor the words of the audience. It’s my way of taking just a little piece of everyone with me on the journey. This does fill me back up and I’m so grateful for how thoughtful and earnest people are when I’m honest about why I want, or rather need, that index card from them.
I just ask, “Share one thing you learned today.”
It’s one of the best self-care steps I’ve ever taken. And soon I’ll need a warehouse for all of them because none of them will ever be thrown away.
An example of rejection from a few years ago
Someone recommended me as a motivational speaker for an event in Texas. I had spoken at her event and they raised the most funds they ever had in the history of the 50-year organization so they were thrilled. I was still glowing from the success and the client introduced me by email to someone who had reached out to her about a keynote motivational speaker for their event. I replied and offered this person from Texas the topics on which I speak.
The woman wrote back she wasn’t interested. She said, and I quote…..
“I hardly think we want or need a speaker who talks about suicide and mental health at a wine-tasting and steak fundraiser!”
And yes she added the handly little exclamation point. You might think that made me mad. What it did is made me laugh. It’s so unbelievably rude I wondered under what rock she was raised. It had a “how dare you?” attitude.
Instead of writing her back right away, I decided to take a power walk around the block and give my mind a moment to cool. Because after I laughed I did get mad.
When is the right time to talk about mental health, suicide, or any of these difficult topics? On vacation? In your morning meeting? At lunch break? And bingo I had my response. Everyone thinks no time is the right time when in reality every time is the right time. There is no wrong time.
I emailed her back and said,
“Madeline, you are so right. This subject doesn’t go well at a wine tasting and steak dinner, it’s clearly a brunch topic. It goes far better with omelets and hash browns.”
That was so satisfying to send.
Speaking on Mental Health Can be Harsh. Suicide Prevention Can be Even Harsher
While it’s one of the hottest subjects in conferences, schools, and workplaces where I speak, pushback is still strong and most schools think all they have to do is hire more clinicians.
And workplaces think they just need more benefits in their EAP (employee assistance programs.)
But for any of these additional resources to work or be effective, the culture has to allow for them to work. And that’s where the pushback comes in. No one wants to do that work even though it’s little shifts to do it. No one needs to make some wholesale change or major curriculum overhaul.
The check-the-box approach isn’t going to cut it. It’s just tough knowing the shifts that need to happen and the effort to make it happen is so excruciatingly slow.
I’m not quitting even though there are times the uphill climb is so wrought with lions and tigers I’m likely to get ripped apart before reaching a destination. I’ll be honest. My subscribers do keep me engaged and my eye on the ball. If you are one of them, thank you for that.
Dear AnneMoss,
I am in awe of you and the work you do. Charles’ life was priceless. You are priceless in how you honor him. Thank you for being a voice for the forgtten, the kids and families struggling. Your work is a beacon of light in most profound darkness.
Carmen thank you. I do t even know what to say. This is my fuel for today.
I’m so glad you don’t quit. You make a difference for many but I know it has to be so hard for all the reasons you mentioned. Good for you on your reply to Madeline! Your son would be proud of you.
I appreciate that you didn’t downplay the harshness but just emphasized. Thank you for that.
Ann. You are so right. Any time is the right time. Someone there needs to hear it: maybe not at the moment but they will remember.
Thank you for what you do. May God continue to give you the strength and joy to do what you do.
Thank you Mary Ellen. I appreciate your validation.
AM, I remember when you first shared the wine story. It made me angry but your response was absolutely perfect. I can understand your having compassion fatigue. You have been a tireless warrior for people struggling, all the while facing your own grief. Much love to you as you fight the better fight.
Thank you for highlighting some important insights. What a memory you have. Age hasn’t affected your noggin! It is compassion fatigue. But all the responses here, wow. I just didn’t expect it.
If you quit, then I and all of Johnson County Mental Health/Suicide Prevention Coalation will also quit, the VA Suicide Prevention Outreach and Hospital here in Kansas City will quit, if you quit SASS – Suicide Awareness Survivor Support will stop holding Rememberance Walks, Monthly Gatherings for Hurting and Broken families, if you quit KU Universiety will remove there Mental Health and Wellness Recovery Centers for treatment of individuals, if you quit you establish the agena for all and anyone who feel the same way you do, hurt the same way you hurt, get frustrated the same you get frustrated, loose sleep the same way you loose sleep, and I could go on and on. Just remember this one simple and profone truth, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Adam’s Story and our family are on this journey with you and all your followers and listeners. You no longer belong to just your family, you are part of all the many families listening to your words of hurt, hope, health, healing…”Sharing is Caring! With God’s mercy and help, you will continue to break down the stigma of Mental Illness and all the disorders that accompany it. We all have been put on this journey for a reason far greater than we will ever know in this life. Keeping the Faith!
I totally needed all of that, Andy. You know how hard this is, too. That’s what I needed to hear. Someone else is experiencing all this. Thank you.
Thank you for your tireless efforts for suicide prevention and to raise awareness and empathic response to mental disorders, Anne. There are countless harsh realities in our lives that many prefer to sweep under the rug, but the courageous keep on keeping on. All the best to you.
This was hard to write. Hard to admit to so many people but I felt I needed to be honest. I didn’t expect all this support. It’s really…nice. Unexpected but very much appreciated. Thank you Lee.
Hi AnneMoss! Thank you for this message. It came at a time when I was feeling this way too! I appreciate your work and your message. Thank you for all your efforts in using your story to bring awareness, support and saving lives! You are such a blessing to those of us who have worked with you or heard your story. Adelante Sra. Rogers!!!
Wow. On the same wave length! As Amy commented it’s compassion fatigue. We just reach a bandwidth. Fortunately one of my events was rescheduled giving me the breathing space I needed.
Anne Moss, I continue to follow you on the path you’ve excelled at. I remind you the business you left was competitive and often our product was harshly judged both by the clients we worked for and those colleagues internally having their tiny fiefdoms they felt the need to protect.
Early on we shared the addiction stories of our children. Your gift was your honesty and your tenacity to understand Charles. There is no quitting in your DNA. I’ve seen you soldier through serious medical challenges and not miss a deadline. Ever. So how does this stuff apply to you today? I believe your prior professional life formed a shield in order for you to prosper figuring out the twists and turns addiction, suicide and mental illness present to our children and their families.
I remain your biggest fan, and without hesitation over the past few years have recommended you, and your books to friends who are struggling with the loss of an addicted child, or in some cases the isolation they experience as their children decide death because they can’t see an alternative.
Keep walking around the block when pressed, continue to do the work no matter what ninny may present themselves.
Be well my friend. As you may remember I’m pretty picky and I don’t throw accolades willy nilly. For you we all need a few heroes these days. Willing or unwillingly so.
You are such a compelling writer, Steve. Hard to believe you were are still are an art director. Few do both well but you always did. Thank you for that. I know we’ve known each other for ages and you were the first person I opened up to. And you were so generous in offering your ears when no one else would. Thank you for this.
It does not matter what other people say, deep down you instinctively know what is the right path for you and what you MUST do to fulfil the objectives of your life. Jesus knew what he must do and what it would mean if he persisted but he knew it was right for him. I hope I am making sense. Also remember that only a person with first hand experience of depression or suicide can understand these challenges, others can not – what you see is a burden is actually a gift.
I will send you a linkedin invite, I will not be offended if you do not accept it but it will give you an idea of the very road of spectrum of people you have reached over the years.
Thank you Adrian. I can only understand suicide from the perspective of someone who has spoken to others. I know that is NOT the same as experiencing those thoughts. It is from people with lived experience who so generously shared their stories that I was able to understand as best as one who is outside of that can. I did a lot of listening. I’ll look for your LI invite.
Anne, you have a cause. I attempted suicide as a teenager, and I’m now 64. I recently experienced identity theft and lost all my money. Yup, suicide very briefly crossed my mind. But I realized I also now have a cause, and you are an inspiration!
Anne- Thank you for being so vulnerable. I really appreciate the comment and support.
Anne, you have the incredible gift of presenting it as it is, of being vulnerable yet not soliciting for sympathy votes, and above all for being authentic of who you are. Being in this suicide prevention and mental wellness advocacy for close to two decades, I can resonate with what you pointed out – to me it’s being one long long and constant uphill climb. Sometimes it just feels so pointless when it seems we are back at the same spot we started from. When I feel that, I tell myself “keep going”. You would probably never know the number of people who are alive, and thriving, today because of your words to them, Anne. Keep going!
John- This is how I feel, “I can resonate with what you pointed out – to me it’s being one long long and constant uphill climb.” It’s exhausting sometimes. But thank you for making me feel validated and not alone. This was hard to write and admit.
AnneMoss, so much to unpack. You hit a nerve in so many ways. I admire what you do yet I feel very similar at times. Hypocrisy, roadblocks, wrong incentives I could go on and on. Too late in the evening tonight. Keep living Undeterred and keep Brightn lives 🤗
Thanks for letting me know you go through this, too. That really helps, Jeff.